On War and Words

As I was writing this post I couldn't help but think of the little boy who was obsessed with little plastic army men. He would lay out elaborate battles. Sound effects would roar from him as the battle played out. That obsession never really went away. It morphed into drawing battles, reading about batttles, an obsession with eras of weapons and armor and types of warfare.

All this from possibly the most tender hearted little boy on Earth. I asked our psychiatrist about it once. I was having a hard time reconciling the huge difference between his character and this obsession. Our doctor explained in a way that I had never considered. He said that for our son his ADHD, his anxiety, his OCD were all things he batttled everyday. Like the wars he orchestrated he was fighting his own battle with his mind.

One of those struggles was writing. In fact, I have written about it before on here many times. We were in the middle of that struggle when I started blogging about ADHD. He couldn't organize his thoughts enough to write. It was painful to watch him struggle through a sentence. Paragraphs were laughable and an essay was impossible. His handwritng was part of that problem. Too many thoughts racing through his mind certainly didn't help.

After years of work he wants to be a writer. He already has three book series planned. If you would have told me when he was seven or that he would be in Honors English in high school I would have laughed. But here we are and here he is. Tonight he shared this poem he wrote as an assignment on war. This is what he turned in. It has no title yet

War

Dark and Light, a tale of woe

Off to war, to battle we go

To bitter ends we march away

We fight to live another day

They’ve gone and slain the peaceful dove

Now we must fight for those we love

And though they plead and beg and cry

To protect our own we’ll gladly die

It is not grand to end a life

For all that brings is grief and strife

It stays with you both day and night

A horrid endless guilty blight

Dark and Light, I say adieu

But know my words, this song is true

For war is hell and blood is shed

Now off I go to join the dead

Stop "Sharing" Ignorance about ADHD, Depression & Bipolar: One Mother's Plea

I made a mistake this morning. I woke up early, too early, and thought I would check out Facebook while I waited to drift back off to sleep. Instead of sleep I ended up with my blood boiling. My mother bear was awakened. My heart was pounding as my fingers madly typed. I tried, politely, to let a longtime friend of mine know that a meme she was sharing was shortsighted and diminished the experience of those that really do have ADHD, Bipolar, and depression. 

While normally I just let memes and comments like this go, pass them quickly, ignoring them. Every once in a while one just hits the wrong nerve and I can't help but slap it down. Today this was the culprit. I considered putting the image in here so you could see it but to be honest - I don't want to give it any air time. But I will describe it to you. T the top it says in bold print: CHILDHOOD IS NOT A DISEASE. Followed by a split screen showing the 1980 and 2014 with the same set of pictures for three scenarios. It indicated that what was called daydreaming in the 80's is now called ADHD. What was called moodiness in the 80s is called Bipolar and what was a loner in the 80s is now called depression. That was pretty much it.

My attempt at a kind rebuke as answered. Really, she said, she does believe in these disorders, it's just the evil drug companies are to blame and over diagnosis and bad parenting that she's worried about and that's why she shared this particular meme. I went back and looked it again. Was there any mention of drug companies? No. Parenting addressed? No. Over diagnosis? Just in asking the question in subtext: "Do you think they over diagnose our children?" 

What I held back in my first response came flying out in my second. Why? Because I am tired of holding my tongue and watching ignorance passed around and perpetuated! I fight that same ignorance, those same stereotypes, and myths at the forefront of the battle here on this blog and on my EverydayHealth.com blog shoulder to shoulder with other parents, teachers, friends, and family that know and understand.

I said to her...

"A young lady in our church committed suicide a couple months ago - while this meme would say there is no depression in youth - they're just loners. She battled depression every day for years. As for being a loner, she had many friends, truly everybody loved her, and was constantly surrounded by them. She was a student athlete, a straight A student, an active beautiful girl with a huge giving heart. She was about as far away from being a loner as you could possibly be. She didn't share her battle with depression with anyone but her parents. Her friends had no idea - why? Because of stupid stereotypes like this one. 

You may feel that pharmaceutical companies are behind the increased diagnosis of ADHD, bipolar, and depression but those numbers are negligible compared to those that aren't. This meme does not address what you say is the issue at all. Maybe you would like to talk to this young girl’s mother, post this on her wall so she can see it or come spend a day with my kids - I'll hide the meds and you can see what their life is like without them. Maybe you would like to spend an hour or two talking to Rachel (our oldest daughter) about her feelings of inadequacy and failure from the years she went through school without a diagnosis or medication. Memes like this don't help - they don't correct wrongful diagnosis. They do, however, keep people from seeking help by perpetuating stereotypes and myths that these very real disorders are nothing. 

As for these kids needing parenting not meds - I am a bad ass when it comes to parenting and guess what all the bad ass moves I have made, all the coping mechanisms I have taught and teach every day, all the nights I have sat up with a child that couldn't sleep because of insomnia or was fighting depression or anxiety have not once changed how their brains are wired and function. I can guarantee that I am not the exception to the rule in parenting - there are thousands of parents just like me that go way above and beyond to help their children with disabilities succeed. I know, I talk to them from all corners of the world, every day. 

You can reason it however you want - this kind of crap that is passed around without any forethought perpetuates ignorance. Maybe you are fortunate enough to not have children with these issues in your life or maybe your're in denial - I don't know but regardless this meme is ignorant and shortsighted, it perpetuates outdated stereotypes and myths and it is harmful whether you believe in ADHD or not."

Here is the deal. While I am positive that there are kids that are diagnosed incorrectly I am also positive there are kids that aren't diagnosed at all that do have these disorders. I also believe that much of what we see as over diagnosis because of large increase in the numbers over the last several decades has to do with our increased understanding of the disorders and better diagnostic tools. For example, my husband wasn't diagnosed until he was an adult. He and many like him had ADHD but were never diagnosed. In that era only very extreme cases were. As for over medicating. I am sure it happens as well, but, there are also many kids that could benefit from medication but don't have it because of the stigma associated with it. Their parents are afraid to have them diagnosed, to medicate them, to get them help because of the stigma associated with these disorders.

We parents of kids with these disorders and others like them fight a daily battle of decision. We work hard to do the best for our kids often, like in our home, by combining as many therapies and treatments as we can find that will work. We fight that stigma, those stereotypes, that ignorance, every day and so do our kids. Why? Because other people, adults, and kids, are influenced by these kinds of ignorant memes that gets passed around the internet.

I am a strong willed person and heaven knows my kids are the same. They have an understanding far above their peers about these disorders, their disorders. They know what's entailed in them, how their brain functions differently. They understand not just from living it but they understand the biology of it. They stand up for themselves when peers or adults make ignorant statements like, "ADHD isn't real." As my son told one such naysayer, "Just because youdon't believe in the Sun doesn't mean it doesn't shine."

As his parent I really wish such ignorance would go away. I wish it wouldn't be "shared," "liked," or "retweeted." Enough already. Think before you post, STOP sharing ignorance.

Don't Give Up: Hope and Work Will Pay Off For Your ADHD Child

My husband and three of our six children had already been diagnosed with ADHD when my son's First Grade teacher chased me down after school. She was quick to point out that he would surely need to be held back. He couldn't write legibly at all, couldn't remember his alphabet, much less read. I told her to just give it a little more time. We were positive he had ADHD and were just waiting for our doctors appointment to confirm it and start him on medication.

He had the appointment, he started medication and he was reading at a sixth grade level by the end of the first grade. But, there were still lots of inexplicable academic behaviors. While his ideas were grand he couldn't put them on paper. His writing was completely illegible. He would write half way across the page with his left hand then switch to his right to finish off a line. He often started writing a word in the middle and added to both ends. He worked all math problems in his head and wrote them out on the math sheet left to right. At one point his Third Grade teacher told me he does his best writing when he has two sheets of paper and is writing the same thing with both hands at the same time. The very thought ties my brain in knots.

Time went on and his writing was still painfully minimalistic. Anytime an assignment required writing we'd both fall apart from the anxiety and frustration. It would take hours and in the end he might have a sentence or two. He was nowhere near writing a paragraph at the appropriate age and an essay was completely out of the question.

It all sounds pretty dismal doesn't it? It certainly felt that way.

One thing I've learned and wish I could instill in every parent with a child that struggles is a solid belief that the efforts that you put into today will pay off in the long run.


When my son stopped me in the middle of the hall and frantically demanded I listen to something he'd just written I listened in awe. What he once struggled with he is well on his way to mastering. As he read me what he had just written all the different remediation we tried over the years, all the frustrations, all the pushing, even tears, came flying back to my memory.

I couldn't help but remember all the uncertainty that I felt wondering if I was doing the right thing for him. Whether it's dealing with learning disabilities or ADHD or anxiety and depression, OCD or any of the many other disorders out there we parents wonder and worry that we are making the right choices for our kids.

What I've realized, having finally gotten farther down the parenting road, is that all that worry and work pays off. That first grader that couldn't remember his alphabet, the second grader whose writing was illegible, that third grader writing with both hands at the same time, as a 15 year old wrote this.

"Fire, an element of nature that can be seen on two spectrums. When controlled fire is a provider of warmth, light, and comfort. To a weary traveler fire can signify a warm meal and a comfy bed. Although fire is beautiful it is also deadly. When uncontrolled fire becomes a source of fear and despair. He becomes the almighty devourer consuming and destroying all things within his path. All fire does is hate and kill. He feigns the sense of comfort and the feeling of a warm embrace. He pretends to care and once close enough he strikes out his hand savoring the sound of every scream, the smell of every burn. He feeds off the pain and suffering that his fiery hatred causes all humanity."

Now he writes stories, this is for a new story he's working on. Back then he could barely get out a sentence or two. What made the difference? Hard persistent work over a long period of time. As well as some unconventional tactics to help him unwind what was already in his head.

We started by getting him on the computer using a writing program instead of having to hand write out assignments. The more he was on the computer the faster he typed the better tool it became.

He was still having a hard time organizing thoughts into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. With lots of older siblings Power Points had become a huge thing in our house. One day out of sheer desperation I told him to use Power Point to write a paragraph he needed written for school. One complete sentence per slide, five to six slides.

It worked.

It gave him the structure he needed to get his thoughts out. Pretty soon we moved up to a couple sentences a slide forming several paragraphs. He would write it in Power Point then copy and paste it into a regular document. Next came a paragraph per slide translating easily to a five paragraph essay.  Finally, he started writing by hand more and more and left behind the need for the Power Point altogether. Every once in awhile he'll come to me overwhelmed and frustrated by an assignment in Honors English and I'll direct him back to the computer, back to Power Point. It's a structure that works for him.

Bottom line, don't get discouraged. Regardless of the obstacles, trust yourself, keep working, and try different approaches until you find what works for you and your child. Never let a diagnosis create limits in your mind. Think of it more as a jumping off point because it is certainly not the end. Really it's just the beginning.

The Difference Between "Normal" Teenage Behavior and a Teen with ADHD

For those of you who have been wondering why there haven't been any new post put up here in awhile let me tell you, life has been a little crazy. I guess that's normal, but, somewhere in the middle of all the craziness a wonderful thing happened. I was asked to blog about ADHD for EverydayHealth.com. I will still be writing here, I promise, it has just taken me a few months to readjust the juggle. I hope you will keep checking here for updates and that you'll follow me on EverdayHealth also. My blog there is called Living A Distracted Life .

In the meantime, I received the best inquiry from a friend of mine today. Jase made me laugh so hard I had to share it. I know those of you that parent ADHD kids will find it as absolutely 100% accurate and as funny as I have.  Thank you, Jase, for guest blogging for me today!

It cracks me up when I tell someone about something Jacob has done related to his ADHD and their response is "Well, that's all teenagers..." No, no... See, if that explanation might fly with someone who has one kid or has never had much experience with kids, but for those of us who have parented multiple children and worked with kids in various settings..trust me, we know the difference. Allow me to illustrate...

Parent: You need to clean your room.

Typical teenage boy: Says "Let me get to where I can save this game." Never gets there. You tell him again with threat of losing game privileges, he whines that you are ruining his life. He goes to his room, shoves everything under the bed and in the closet, returns to video game. He wears dirty clothes to school because he can't find any clean ones. It's your fault.

ADHD/ODD teenage boy: "I can't save here. Hang on." Never gets there. You repeat yourself, trying to be understanding that his attention span is short. Still doesn't get there. You repeat yourself again more forcefully with threat. He looks at you as though he has never been told to do anything in his life. You repeat it, again. He insists he can't save, you insist he cleans. He gets mad and stomps into bedroom, leaving the game running. He picks up 2 articles of clothing, finds item he hasn't seen in 6 months, decides to tinker with it, forgets to clean room, and walks through the house. Sees video game still on, sets down found item on table, returns to game. You walk in, ask "Did you get your room clean?" He looks at you as though its the first time he's ever heard those words. You threaten again, tired of being understanding, he insists he can't save, you say you don't care, he argues with you for 20 minutes about why he can't clean his room all the while the character on the screen is spinning in circles, he stomps into the bedroom angry and mouthing, and starts shoving things into drawers. Finds skateboard. Decides to go skating. Comes back with skateboard. "You need your helmet if you are going to ride that." He looks at you as though he has never heard those words before and complains that he doesn't know where the helmet is. "Did you clean up your room?" He looks at you like you are speaking Swahili. "Did...you...clean...your...room?" He says, "I think so. Maybe." You say, "You don't know if you cleaned your room?" He says, "I'll go check." He leaves skateboard by the front door and returns to room, shoves more clothes into containers, finds helmet, and returns to living room. He sees video game still on, puts helmet on the floor by the skateboard, starts playing again. You walk through, "did you find your helmet?" "What helmet?" "I thought you were going to ride your skateboard? Did you get your room clean?" "I think so." You say, "I'm going to go check. You'd better hope that room is clean." He says, "Wait, I'll go look." Whines, stomps, and complains that you are ruining his life. He finally manages to get the room clean enough that you decide the battle is no longer worth it and that one day you will just set fire to the house. He comes back in, finds previous toy on the counter, picks it up. You say, "Are you finished with your video game?" He says, "Oh yeah, just turn it off." You ask, "Do you need to save?" He says, "No, it has an autosave." You die a little inside, sigh, push the vein in your forehead back into place so you don't have an aneurysm, and turn it off. "If you aren't going to ride your skateboard, you need to put it away." Looks at you as though you have lost your mind and says, "I didn't get it out." You start to believe that you are going crazy, lose your temper, and threaten his life. He realizes your 2 twitches away from serial killer and decides to comply. He takes previous toy, skateboard, and helmet to room. Three hours later he is still in the room. You breathe a sigh of relief and think for a moment that you've broken through and he is actually cleaning. You go check on him and find that he has hot glued the toy to his skateboard for a hood ornament, drawn designs on his helmet, and is using your good sewing scissors to cut decals from aluminum fol. You notice that all the clothes are now back on the floor. "Why are all these clothes on the floor?" He says, "I couldn't find any glue sticks." You say, "Pick this shit up. Put your clothes where they go. Put my scissors back. Right now." You sit down in the kitchen to gather your thoughts, because you can't remember what you were doing. You begin to circle the house looking for your brain. You return to the living room. Skateboard is in the kitchen, scissors are in the fridge, half a glass of milk is on the table, glue gun (still on) is dripping on the floor, and he's...cleaning his room. "Why is the skateboard in the kitchen, and are you planning on drinking this milk?" He says, "I was going to put it all up, but you told me to clean my room. I can't do everything." It's still your fault.

Lisa, am I right?

So, what do you think? Leave a comment, let me know.

Helping Your ADHD Family Memeber Dealing with Crisis

Today it's Arapahoe High School. Last year it was Sandyhook. Before that it was Aurora. No matter where we live tragedy is a part of life. Learning how to deal with it and helping our children get through it are survival skills for our day and age. My heart goes out to all those affected by the shooting at Arapahoe High School.

 

originally published July 21, 2012

1156 Miles to Aurora - Dealing with Crisis and ADHD

If I got in my car today I would have to drive 1,156 miles to get to Aurora, Colorado and yet today it feels like Aurora is right here.  The tragedy and hurt is tangible in my house not because we have family or friends that have been directly effected by it but because we identify with what has happened in this community.  We all feel apart of Aurora, of their horror, of their pain, of their loss.

There is no doubt that everyone is affected, sorrowed, unsettled by any event like this that occurs and then reoccurs over and over again as it is passed back and forth, turned upside down, torn apart, and put back together again hour after hour, day after day in news media in an attempt to understand it.

While my heart goes out to the family and friends who are suffering during any crisis like the one in Aurora, my concern has been the people that live in my house and the way I see tragedy intersect with the symptoms of their ADHD.  We walk a fine line of balance in our house to begin with - always battling the tendency to obsess, hyper focus, over identify with a circumstance that is not really ours.  A mind that can so vividly imagine wondrous worlds can also vividly imagine other people's pain and anguish.  I see a  great deal of compassion in my ADHDers and a heightened level of perception towards other people's emotions.  We also battle anxiety and depression.

Combine this with a disaster and our carefully balanced scales tip rather quickly.  The question then is what do we do to find balance when tragedy strikes and the world shrinks.

Resist the urge to immerse yourself in the tragedy.  With news feeds running round the clock replaying over and over 911 tapes and footage of disasters we have to learn to turn it off.  I am not saying that we remove ourselves from the world or ignore what is happening in it.  I am saying learn to control how and when we take in information about disasters.  We really don't need to watch the same information presented over and over again.

Today I told my children, especially the older ones.  Step away from it.  You can check on updated information but don't obsessively listen and watch the same feeds over and over.  Set a limit to check several times during the day and stick to it. 

I also told them to control how they get the information.  Television media is designed to be captivating, to make us want to sit for hours with the sights and sounds pounding us.  In a disaster I personally don't feel that is healthy.  It lends itself to a sense of panic, making the world seem particularly dangerous.  It feeds anxiety, dread, fear, depression, hopelessness, it tips the scales.  Instead of watching for hours visit an internet news site for the latest information, they will have video clips and sound bites if you have to have them, get the information and get off.

As a parent it is our responsibility to regulate the media for our younger children.  We have to resist the urge to keep trauma running in our living rooms over and over.  That is hard to do, but they are depending on us to protect them and help them process situations like these.  Having the events play over and over is like living them over and over.  It is too much reality.

There is a natural tendency when these things happen to try and make sense of it.  To find a tangible reason for a senseless tragedy, something to hang on to.  We need understand that there is never a good reason for such acts of violence and trying to find one  leads in never ending circles of unanswerable questions.  Sometimes we need to be satisfied with the fact that there will never be a good answer to the question why.

Because our children will be asking themselves the same questions and wondering how they find that sense of safety and security that are momentarily lost in an event like this we need to help them process those feelings and questions.  We have to be available to talk about the situation and work through the feelings that come up because of it.

For example, my oldest daughter read an account online that one of the victims had just texted her friend encouraging her to come to the theater for the show.  Not long after that she was gone. I knew what my daughter was thinking, she was thinking that she had been talking to her best friend while her friend waited for the midnight showing.  She was thinking about how she would feel if that was their last conversation.  She needed to be able to talk about that connection she had made that turned this into a very real, very scary scenerio for her.  A "it could have been me" moment.  She needed to process it, talk about,work through it.

Every person as an individual will react differently to a crisis, don't judge your child's reaction.  Look beyond it to see what is really troubling them so you can address it.

Reassure our children that measures will be taken to try and prevent this sort of thing from happening again.  My family went to see a movie tonight.  We are a family in love with movies, we love watching them, we love making them.  For our family this was sucker punch to the core of what makes us, us.  Even though more than one of children were hesitant to go to a theater we made a point of going.  We talked about how there would be added security and other measures to insure their safety.  Because we talked about it they were very aware of the added security measures.  They saw the changes and seeing those changes helped make the theater a safe place to be again.

Help your child feel like they can be a part of the solution.  We live in an unpredictable world and while we cannot prevent tragedy from happening we can always figure out a way to help.  Whether that is through the silent support of thoughts and prayers, sending get well or condolence cards, or helping to raise or donate money to a memorial fund.  Taking action gives back a sense of control.

Life is fragile, sometimes it seems so fragile that we should stop living, we have to remind ourselves and our family members that we cannot stop living.  That we need to push past that fear, not let it control us, drive us from participating in our world.  In the face of disaster we can teach our children that courage is not the absence of fear, courage is the strength to keep going in the face of fear.

This is an important lesson to learn, our kids show courage everyday in battling their disorders, in facing the challenge that is their amazingly unique brains.  That same courage can help them face down many challenges in life.

Aurora is not 1,156 miles away tonight - it is in my heart, in my family's heart.  My husband has a great saying, love is what we have been through together.  We will regain our equilibrium faster when we make a conscious effort to go through the events that shake out world together.

Self Medicating in a Positive Way

I was talking to the friend the other day who had a terrible day. One of those when life comes out of no where and sucker punches you leaving you a little breathless and reeling trying to find your footing. We talked for awhile but truth being what it was talking wouldn't change much. It was one of those, "it is what it is," situations that doesn't bend no matter how much we want it too. A struggle that takes long term coping mechanisms. In parting she said she was off to, "self-medicate." Normally this would have freaked me out a bit because when I hear or see or use the term self-medicate it has always had the negative connotation of using drugs or alcohol to escape or cope. But that's not what she said, not what she meant, because she didn't stop there. What she said basically was, "I'm going to go self-medicate by diving into to some creative writing."

roller blading

Self-medicating as a positive way to cope, I had never thought about it that way.

But it tickled my brain and as it settled I started to shift my own paradigm. Suddenly, I saw self-medicating in a whole new light. My own son came to mind. We have always made a point of making sure our kids knew they had ADHD and whatever co-occurring conditions that each of them have individually, no secrets here. In addition we have made a point of making sure they understood their conditions and how their brain works. So it wasn't a surprise one night when I overheard my son talking to his dad, "I am having a panic attack," he was vibrating with neurotic energy, "can I go roller blade? I need some dopamine right now!" A personal awareness victory for sure. A triumph for self-advocacy, he knew what he needed to pull his world back into balance and asked for it. Exercise would be the no-brainer on the list of things you can do to lift your mood, re-balance your life, release some dopamine, and feel better. Exercise is a quick way to get those happy chemicals coursing through the brain and body but certainly not the only way.

Engaging in a creative activity results in the same flood of chemicals. For my friend it's writing, we have some writers in our house. Writers, artists, musicians, filmmakers, actors the rush that they get from engaging in these activities is a powerful way to self-medicate. In addition to the chemical release in the brain that reenforces that these activities are good and bring happiness, these more creative outlets allow the individual to express what they're feeling. They're a form of release.

I remember a meeting with one of my daughters and our family psychiatrist. He was explaining to her the importance of having a pressure release. He compared it to air in a balloon. Life is crazy, demanding, hard and as we move through it we collect air in our balloons. If we don't let some of that air out on a regular basis eventually there is just too much air and our balloon pops.

Nai Da Zip

When we use creative releases we have a way of expressing our joys, fears, frustrations, pains, hurt, love, happiness, rage. It can be a beautiful and profound way of expressing, releasing, self-medicating. Sitting in the middle of my creative house I can see it manifest in many different mediums. My one non-ADHDer most recently created 2 new cartoon characters, Nai and Zip. A little creature, Zip, is full of energy and mischief. Zip's hair changes color with his mood. Zip is here and there and pretty much everywhere. When I asked her about it she told me flat out Zip was the manifestation of all her ADHD siblings in one little character. She is Nai. Nai Da Zip gives her an outlet. As I came to realize, by my friends comment in passing, it gives her a healthy way to self-medicate through the chaos of our lives.

With this new perspective I see

running lines for The Mighty Kubar

more clearly their thoughts, emotions, feelings woven into their pieces of art, echoed in the lyrics of their music, poured out in the emotion of their acting, recorded in the scenes of film, typed out in the words and thoughts of characters on the page. This new revelation didn't bring any earth shaking changes to our house, we were doing these things before and we will continue to do them. But I feel like I have a new tool in my tool box to help my family through the rocky, bumpy roads of life. A new positive release to encourage them to use when everything is overwhelming and troublesome, when they feel off kilter.

And one that works for me too, I can disappear for while into another world, work out my feelings, express myself, get some positive brain chemicals flowing, and emerge feeling better about the world.

What I came to realize, after I gave it some thought, was creative endeavors are a great way to self-medicate, maybe one of the best because they fulfill so many wonderful purposes at once.  As I am writing, right now, there are several kids singing, guitar being practiced, drawing, a set being dressed to start filming on The Mighty Kubar tomorrow, and acting all at this very moment. And I think of my friend and her writing and the great coping mechanism it is to her. I'll never think of self-medicating in the same one-sided negative way again. In fact, now I think I can only think of all the great and positive ways we can find balance and happiness by self-medicating through positive ways.


** The Mighty Kubar and all the artwork, music, lyrics posted here are the property of Hannah Aro, Rachel Aro, Mark Aro, Lisa Aro respectively

Successful IEPs: Plan Your Work & Work Your Plan

My fearless blue caped superhero

I swear to you that our youngest daughter was born with absolutely no fear whatsoever. More than once the only thing that saved her was that little voice that whispers to me, her mother, "something's very wrong." I remember once taking her and her siblings to a wonderful park in our community that had the tallest slide I think I have ever seen. Scared me to death. I made it completely clear that none of my kids were supposed to get near it. To my fearless toddler my warning meant nothing and before I could grab her she was on her way up the staggered open sided platforms that led to the top of the slide.

I remember the first SST meeting I sat in for that same daughter. I felt just about the same way as I did watching her on those slide platforms. Intimidated, scared to death, fearful would be all be understatements to describe my feelings in those first meetings with the school. I had realized probably 2 years earlier that our daughter had learning disabilities far beyond the scope of her ADHD. For 2 years we'd been trying to get the school to listen and test her for disabilities. We didn't know how to make that happen and the school was not volunteering any help. Finally frustration led to my own research, friendships, information, the beginnings of understanding about student and parent rights and services. I stopped waiting for the school to help and started pushing for the school to help.

To be honest that first IEP was just a bare bones beginning but it was a beginning. It led to more decisions, more testing, more accommodations, and services. It opened the door to getting her help with multiple issues. For example, no one could understand a word our daughter said but for some strange twisted red-tape reason she didn't qualify for speech therapy until that initial IEP was in place for her Auditory Phonemic Processing Disorder. Then she suddenly qualified for speech and it was officially added to her services and goals.

A switch in schools to a charter home school program, more testing ended in a better understanding of

the extent of her disabilities, new IEP meetings, a revision of services, new goals, more work, research, more understanding. We were in the thick of it. Climbing platforms, adjusting our position, pulling ourselves up one level at a time.

ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, Central Auditory Processing Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, not crossing the mid-line, problems with visual tracking the list got longer and longer. All led to speech, reading, writing, math services, occupational therapy. Hours and hours of therapy. Hours and hours of meetings about testing and services.  Hours and hours of work, for her, for me, for the whole family. We kept climbing, it was like we were almost to the top of those platforms and the slide back down to solid ground. That was the hardest and scariest time. Complicated to juggle goals and therapies, hard to do the work needed to make a difference for her, and to be honest difficult feeling like we were never going to get on top of things. Marking progress was arduous and painful. it often seemed like we were discussing the same goals and making no progress on them at all.

We just had our most recent IEP meeting last Friday with the intervention teacher that we've worked closely with since she returned to public school as a Freshman in High School.  He asked us if we wanted a copy of our parents rights. He was about to print them out for us when my husband and I both shouted, "NO!" we joked about how we might singularly be responsible for the death of a rain forest from all the copies of parental rights we already had tucked away in our files at home.

I realized something in that meeting as we were going through goals and checking things off that had been accomplished the largest of which was her passing both the English and Math sections of the California High School Exit Exam on her first try this last year. I realized that several years ago we started seeing real progress in her skills and began the process of eliminating goals and services as needed. More goals met and services dropped each year. Somewhere in the middle of the process we had hit the top platform and started down the slide and I hadn't even realized it. It was an exhilarating feeling this year as we dropped her one period intervention class and replaced it with a once a week meeting with the intervention teacher to make sure she was doing well in all her classes.

on a HS drama trip

She graduates next year, the more I thought about it the more I realized that our experience with her IEP is exactly how it should be. It is a testament of how the system should work. We started with the simple recognition that there was a problem, as we progressed we better and better defined that problem and set up goals and services to meet her needs. We planned our work and worked our plan until those services, coping mechanisms, therapies started to pay off, things started clicking into place. As she progressed, we met annually, more frequently when needed, we adjusted to meet her needs. For a longtime it seemed we only added and then slowly but surely goals were met and services started falling off. First to go was OT, then speech and most recently the last of her pull out services for Math and English.

She went from terribly behind to caught up to flourishing. This last year she score advanced in English/Language Art on state testing. My daughter diagnosed first with Auditory Phonemic Processing Disorder, then Dyslexia, Dypraxia, Central Language Processing Disorder scored advanced in English.

Interventions, modifications, accommodations,  pull out services, therapies, all seemed so intimidating and overwhelming when I first started this process. I didn't see how, couldn't see how, all this was going to come together for her benefit but I became a mother bear about it. I researched it, the disorders, the tests, the therapies, the modifications and services that would benefit her. I pushed, pushed the school, pushed the process, pushed myself, pushed her. And now, now we are enjoying the excitement, the feeling of freedom and thrill of conquering the slide.

I'm not going to lie, when my then toddler daughter got down the slide safely she wanted to do it again. I was still waiting for my heart to start beating again while I thanked those that helped her get safely down. I feel a little the same about this IEP meeting - we left feeling triumphant, I was wanting to thank the long list of people that have helped her get safely up to the top so she could enjoy the ride back down.

When I meet and talk to parents that are just starting on this journey the first thing I tell them is learn, learn everything you can and don't be afraid to dig until you really know and understand what is going on with your child. I tell them get your services in place as soon as possible, whether that is a 504 or IEP. Plan you work and work your plan. I tell them keep at it even when you are tired and discouraged and it seems like you aren't making any progress because I know from experience that if you do those things the pay off is big. It's big and wonderful and exhilarating.

Some things in life look overwhelming and intimidating the first time you look at them. That slide, the tallest slide that I'd ever seen was one of those things. I wonder what I would think about it if I saw it again today. Experience has a way of changing how we look at things. I wonder, if like the IEP/504 process, I would look at that slide with different eyes, knowing eyes.  I think I would.

Finding Patience in the ADHD House - Just Keep Swimming

My husband, the Distracted King, thought I should entitle this post Just Keep Swimming, after Dory in
Finding Nemo. At first I wasn't sure about that, though, the more I thought about the patience it takes to raise a house full of ADHDers I did think I can completely relate to Dory. Sometimes, most times, life in my house is overwhelming and the answer really is, "just keep swimming."

I was recently asked how I have the patience to deal with so many ADHDers under one roof. The answer is complicated. It was certainly too complicated for the 140 characters at a time that twitter provides. The answer is, I am not always patient, ask my husband and kids. They will
certainly attest to it, but, I am mostly patient because I have learned the value of it. How did I learn, by being impatient and figuring out it made things worse for both them and me. I look at the goal of parenting as a very long term far reaching goal.

I want my kids to be healthy, to love who they are and embrace it, to be good-hearted people who want to make a positive change in the world.  I want them to have to skills to do that. I don't want to crush who they are, their spirit, I want to empower them to live up to their strengths and conquer their weaknesses. Conquering doesn't mean getting rid of, by the way, I believe it means learning to work with, around, over whatever it takes to deal with them so that their weaknesses don't keep them from using their strengths. Yes, do I want to them to learn social skills, maybe not so many that they completely repress everything that pops into their mind to say or do, but enough to be able to choose when to filter their thoughts and actions to best serve the needs of the situation.

I believe that the daily goal of parenting should be to keep the end goal in mind - do what will help them not just today but down the road. Keeping the goal in mind is what changed the way I parent day to day. So, these are the things that I try to keep in mind day to day to make that work.

Unconditional Love 

People define love in so many ways but when I  parent I have to start with unconditional love - I love regardless. Regardless of inabilities, weaknesses, frailties. I love when they are successful and when they are not. I love them just as much when they make us proud as when they embarrass us. And most importantly I make sure that THEY know that I love them regardless. That I love them, love them absolutely, completely separate and independent of their actions.

Accept your child for where they are at now, today. 

It is easy to get caught up in what we think that our kids should be able to do at certain ages. Our expectation of where they should be can't and shouldn't cloud our acceptance and acknowledgement of where they are now. To help our children make progress in any area of life I have found I have to know and accept where they really are right now. Being honest with where that is changes perspective and makes progress really possible.

For example, our daughter with dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyspraxia, and ADHD got advanced on her state testing this last year in English/Language Arts. A far cry from when she was in the 5th grade reading at a first/second grade level. Her progress started when we were able to be honest about where she really was, then we could help her. She still has all the same disorders but she has learned, is still learning, how to overcome them. It goes the same for any habit, any social skill, any weakness. Be honest and accept where they are today so that you can work on changing tomorrow.

Redefine normal as normal for us

This goes hand in hand with being honest about where things really are.  Abandon "normal" and embrace who they are. It is easy to get caught up in what society says is normal and expect that for our own lives. What follows are feeling of frustration and failure because we aren't experiencing "normal."

Here is our normal. It is normal for us to take at least 2 hours to get ready to leave the house to go somewhere. It is normal for us to get over stimulated in crowds and need a break. It is normal for our house to be driven by creativity which spills out in everything we do and are. It is normal for us to get easily frustrated and meltdown. It is normal for us to be on or off, completely engaged and passionate or totally uninterested. It is normal for us to forget, even seconds after being reminded. It is normal for change, even the slightest change, even a good change to rock the world and make it momentarily unmanageable. It is normal for us to be captured by an idea and need to record it so we don't lose its brilliance forever. It is normal to be distracted by anything and everything that is more appealing to think about or do. It is normal for the impulse to act to be way stronger than the impulse to think about the consequences of that action.

My advice, find and respect each individual's normals. We have redefined normal to suit what normal is for us as individuals and our family.

Accepting what normal is for us had not meant that we just excuse away bad behavior. What it means is teaching our kids how to act appropriately in different situations. It means that we can acknowledge our own normal and set it aside when the circumstances demand.

Adjust your expectation



Once we accept where our child is, we have accepted our new normal, then we start adjusting our expectations. I start with the reality of where they are at. If it takes several hours for them to get ready in the morning I am not going to get that down to 10 minutes over night. I can, and have, slowly adjusted behavior. So maybe now the same child can work the coping mechanisms we have put in place together and get ready in an hour not three. If you start every days homework thinking this should only take a half an hour and 3 hours later you are still doing homework you are going to be frustrated and mad all the time. If you start saying this is going to take 3 hours and it only takes two you are going to be happy and excited. There are inherent traits of ADHD, ASD, learning disabilities, anxiety, SPD, depression, that will quite frankly be long arduous battles to gain the coping skills that will last and be used the rest of your child's life.

Pick your battles

Some things aren't as important as we think they are - we all have standards that need to be kept and reenforced but there are a lot of things that we can compromise on and work out to the benefit of ourselves and our kids. Home shouldn't be a minefield of expectations. Home should be a place to learn, understand, grow, and explore. It should be a place where you feel safe and understood. A place where it is okay to make mistakes, a place where we are given the opportunity to learn from them. As parents we have had to pick our battles keeping the long range goals in mind. If we take up every battle and nit pick the little things we will lose both the battle and the war.

Respect the way their brain works and create coping mechanism to meet your needs and theirs

writing homework in planner - not enough

I truly believe one of the greatest thing we can do for our children is figure out what their experience is, understand it, empathize with it, learn about it. Then help them learn to recognize and understand their experience so that they can communicate with you and others what that is. When we figure that out that we can begin to develop coping mechanisms, tricks, reminders, stopgaps that help manage the long list of traits and struggles that they are having. They will need those coping mechanisms and use them all their lives. The trick is they have to work for them, with them and their personality. It's easy as a parent to try and fix something by throwing what would work for us at our kids. Sometimes that may work but when it doesn't we need to look to our kids to voice possible solutions. Any system that we create as a coping mechanism is more effective with their buy in. It also trains them to problem solve for themselves, to recognize when they are struggling with something and seek effective solutions (long range parenting mixed with the here and now). Ultimately, it has to work for them, they have to use it, and we want them to be able to use it on their own when we aren't there to make it happen.

This is a long process of hits and misses. I have to remind myself to be patient as we always seem to figure out more systems that don't work than systems that do.

Discipline with learning in mind

In our home, sometimes, in fact I would say most of the time, our discipline doesn't look like discipline at all. It looks like teaching and learning. That is on purpose. We learned long ago that traditional method of discipline don't work at all. I remember more than one frustrating conversation after another (before I understood this principle) where I would lay out a punishment, "no TV." Countered by, "well, that's okay I have been meaning to watch less TV." I would add to the punishment no this, no that. Countered by mental adjustments making whatever punishment was given a good thing. Frustrating at best.

Then at some point I realized my goal was not, should not be to to punish. The goal, the thing I wanted was for them to learn. A long time ago our punishments changed. We don't do timeouts for set times, they are dependent on the kid and how long it takes them to pull things back under control. We use them as a reset button. As soon as they are calm and ready to talk and listen then we are done with punishment and ready to learn. Learning is the goal. We talk about why something was wrong, how to handle a situation differently, what to do, how to communicate. Whatever the situation requires so that next time we can achieve a different outcome.

Accept progress as progress even if it's a tiny bit - celebrate it!

Progress can be so slow that sometimes it doesn't feel like we're making it at all. Be watchful for progress, find it where ever you can and point it out, celebrate it. Especially when you are in the middle of disciplining and teaching because something went wrong find the ways in which your child has improved and point those out. Eventually you will look around and realize you are much farther up the mountain than you realized. They will see it too. One of that hardest battles our kids face is self esteem. The sense that they are less than others because of their struggles is evident to them all the time, even when no one is specifically pointing it out. It often leaves them feeling like they are broken. Who can effect change in their life when they feel broken? I don't believe anyone can. We need our kids to feel empowered, to know that they are brilliant, and that whatever problem that lies in front of them is not bigger than their ability to meet it head on and conquer it.

Encourage your child to engage in what they are passionate about in a healthy way

Pursuing the things that they are passionate about, sports, music, art, drama, science, literature, whatever it is, creates balance in our children and that translates into balance in our lives and home. It is important enough that despite pressing schedules we carve out time for them to engage in whatever their passion is. It feeds them the best things in life, confidence, creativity, empowerment, teaches them to set goals, to endure hardship and opposition, conquer failure and in the end find success. It gives them joy. It gives me joy as I watch them.

Enjoy your children

Don't allow yourself to be so tired or worn out by the day to day battle that you can't enjoy your children. Find ways to stop and enjoy the wonderful spark that makes them an individual. Laugh with them, celebrate them. Approach life with a healthy dose of humor. Our sense of humor is a lifeline. It is an anchor in our home and often the vehicle by which we use to teach most effectively.

In fact, as my husband is quick to point out there is nothing like humor in its ability to turn around a tense situation or meltdown.

We have a motto: Aro family making simple things hard. And when we have really made life more difficult than it has to be we drag out the motto and laugh at ourselves. We enjoy our impulsiveness, our creativity, our whims, our diversions. We laugh together, sing together, get frustrated together, make up parody lyrics together. Those are our things, your things will be specific to your family, maybe its have Nerf wars together or playing sports together, whatever it is do it and have fun doing it.

Make time to take care of yourself

Admittedly I am horrible at this, so my advice would have to be either do what I say not what I do or enlist friends and family to make you stop and get some time to yourself to retreat and regroup. I have great family and friends who drag me out of it all so I can keep perspective. I remember sometimes when my kids were all younger and life seemed very overwhelming I would put myself in a time out. That's right, realizing that my kids were just being kids not doing anything wrong, I would say to them, "Mommy is overwhelmed I need a time out." I would go take a few minutes where I had some space but could still be aware and hit my own reset button. I have found hobbies and diversions that help me cope, find more patience, more enjoyment, more love, more fun.

And as Dory says, "Just keep swimming!"

Just keep at it. I have hard days, I have times that I think we're not making any progress at all, I lose my temper. However,  I know that if I can just "keep swimming" I will be surprised how far we've come, how much progress we've made and how much fun we've had getting there. Our family is older now, I can look back and see with ease the things that have worked and the things that were disastrous failures. In the end, it is the guiding principles that have made the difference in our home, that have helped us find our own normal and embrace it. I have to say we've covered a whole lot of ocean by just following Dory's advice in Finding Nemo and we've had some great adventures. No doubt we have lots more ocean to cover, certainly some uncharted territory yet to explore, and undoubtedly more amazing adventures as we just keep swimming.

From Making the Grade to Making the Adjustment to Summer

NO books ~ ALL papers

Summer time ~ In so many ways the end of school is a huge relief. No more racing, pushing, begging, pleading, bargaining to get kids out the door and to school. No more stressing over homework to be done, doing it, or the last and oh so critical step of turning it in which seems to be the hardest sometimes. No more worrying about missed days and make up work or late assignments, social issues with friends or lack of friends to have social issues with. No more banging your head on the nearest hard surface when the school's number pops up on your phone because you know that your over dramatic, anxiety ridden child is once again in the nurses office.

But summer isn't always the get out of jail free card that we would hope it would be.  Summer can bring its own set of issues - change in routines, change in social situations, change in mental stimulus all can lead to their own kind of stress and trouble taking some of the joy and relaxation out of this much awaited vacation time.

We by no means have mastered the ADHD summer but over the years we have come up with some great
ways to cope and counter a lot of the draw backs to summer - I thought I would share some here.


Routine - I have found that my ADHD kids have a strange sort of love hate relationship with routine. I used to think that they hated it altogether. As my continued push towards staying on a routine met their innate ability to forget that we had one at all I was sure that they were routine resistant. I took as evidence their looks of utter surprise when I would remind them what they were doing and what came next, as if we didn't do the same thing everyday.  I used to think that until I changed the morning routine and everyone fell apart, they got mad at me. They were correcting me, telling me what was supposed to be next, and then fell apart at the thought that I had changed it.  I was stunned.


We start our morning the same regardless of where we are, what time of year it is, whether its a holiday, school day or vacation day.  It has added a lot of stability to our house. Your routine may be different - I don't think it is what you do or the order you do it that matters, rather it is the fact that you consistently do the same things in the same order. The fact that it never changes acts like an anchor emotionally giving each day common ground to start off on.  In our house the kids, of all ages, get up, take meds, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, and ready to start the day. 

Structure - we add in some structure to our days not necessarily the same as routine because they aren't as scheduled. But my kids know that during the summer days they are most likely going to do chores in the morning, they will have some time on the computer, they will have time to be creative, to play, to read, and probably watch a show.  These activities aren't scheduled for the most part but they happen regularly almost every day of summer.

Boredom can be the start of much trouble as that brilliant ADHD mind seeks for stimulus to satisfy itself. One thing I have done with my kids is have them make lists of things they like to do, things they find relaxing or fun, stimulating and satisfying, things that won't get them in trouble. When they have some down time and are starting to feel the itch of boredom they can refer to the list for ideas.We use summer to catch up on the things that there is little time for during the school year. Summer is a time we choose to feed our kids creativity with their imaginations we really don't accept the, "I'm Bored," complaint from any of them.  From the time they were little they have known that if they come to me and say I am bored I will give them some ideas of things I know they would enjoy, but if they complain my answer will most likely include a chore - they rarely complain to me that they are bored.

Fun activities or outings - Included in your structure can be small trips or activities you do regularly during the summer. Trips to the park, to the zoo, to visit with friends and family, or book store story times. Even the library, which, for us, is finally not an exercise in late fees, lost books and the fear of landing on the library's most wanted list for us. Knowing that one or two of these activities are going to happen during the week gives something to look forward to and is a great bargaining chip to get chores and other mind numbing activities done.

If plans change - heaven forbid - give as much warning as possible and try to replace it with another activity like reading a story together, playing a game together, something to ease the blow.  ADHD kids have a very hard time when plans change - they set these activities in their minds as markers for the day or week, they become pillars on which they build a sense of stability when those things change its like pulling the foundation out from under them. In offering an alternative activity in a sense you are shoring up their foundation, keeping the world stable. Being understanding to the their experience is the first step in handling it patiently and patience allows you to use the moment to teach. We often tell our kids that we understand what they are feeling, but life is about things changing so it is important to develop strategies to cope with change. Change, ironically is a constant in life.

Maintaining and Building Skills - One of my favorite books is The Out of Sync Child has Fun. It

is packed with fun activities that build skills, focusing on Sensory Processing Disorders. Probably as much as the book helped me better understand what my children may be experiencing and provided so many fun activities to help; it also opened my mind to the idea of making learning new skills fun and exciting.  I am already writing a more in depth post on different fun ways we have found over the years to build and maintain skills during the summer, but here is one example that is happening right now in our house.

One of our daughters, so far this summer, has been working on making and applying latex wounds and special effects make up (decided to leave out the picture of my daughter's gross fake gaping neck wound - though if you want you can see it if you look at the pictures on my twitter @ADHDqueen) as well as sculpting. This is a great example of an activity that  crosses over and serve as both fun and help build or maintain skills.  She has dysgraphia and the use of fine motor skills required to sculpt keeps her hands strong. If you are creative you can find lots of ways to build and maintain skills that don't seem like work.

Social Opportunities - We are kind of our own flash mob.  With so many kids in the house much of our

social skills training comes just from interacting with each other. Though we still try to maintain relationships that have been built during the school year. Having friends over is a great way to do this. Just like I have my kids make lists of what they might want to do and explore during the summer when they have a friend coming over I ask them to come up with some activities that they plan on doing. Having some plans lessens the likelihood of awkward times with friends. We go over the ground rules and social rules before the friend comes over so that they remember things like paying attention to their guests feelings and needs, compromising, and make clear parameters like what time things are beginning and ending. While knowing there is a time that things are going to wind down doesn't prevent them for asking for more time I can always remind them that we agreed ahead of time when things would end.  I try to always give transition time, warnings that social time is going to end so it doesn't end abruptly setting off a meltdown.

We had whirlwind of activity to wrap up the school year with multiple awards assemblies, class parties, and one of our daughters turning 18 and graduating all in the same week. The backpacks are sitting right where they were left on the last day of school. The stress of grades is over. The California High School Exit Exam has been passed (both math and reading). The report cards came in the mail. There are no after school clubs, play practices, or homework. Thank Goodness, everyone has welcomed the shift in activity from over scheduled and pressurized to the calmer more even pace of summer. I for one am not missing the near daily calls from the school nurse. Though I have appreciated her patience and help, I really don't want to know her as well as I do. So far it has been the best transition to summer we have ever had.  One thing that is for certain in an ADHD household is that nothing is for certain - we'll see what tomorrow bring - heaven knows the tide can turn at any moment.

That's Just Not Normal

Hannah wrote a picture book last year. A beautiful story about being different. A little kid born into a fabulously famous clown family has no inclination towards the family business, the kid just isn't funny in the way that everyone else in the family is. Throughout the story this little clown finds his own place, his own voice, his own way to be fabulous and still be a wonderful important part of his family. Really it was her story, her experience.

I knew something was different about Hannah when she was an infant - she slept like infants are supposed to sleep, ate like they are supposed to eat, played and grew like they were supposed to play and grow.  From the time she was tiny she would sit on my lap, in the swing, car seat, bouncy chair, and quietly watch her older two sisters in complete amusement.  I used to say that Hannah was so easy she was an argument for having a 4th child.

Later when Rachel had been finally diagnosed with ADHD, then their father, my husband Mark, then younger sister Mary, then Mariah I started to panic and took all the rest of the family in for testing. I was afraid I was going to miss something and have another child struggle needlessly without proper help and intervention. Sure enough there was something different about Hannah, she was the only one of our 6 (biological) children that did NOT have ADHD and all the accompanying co-conditions. It was me and her in a sea of ADHD.

It has been a remarkable difference to watch. One night when we had told everyone to get ready for bed and then meet in the living room for family prayer. Mark and I sat on the couch and chuckled as chaos circled around us. We reminded, then we followed up, then followed up again and again. Jaren was swinging from the bars of the top bunk in between the two beds hooting like a monkey. Mary was still dressed in her day clothes with robes on, holding some kind of stick as a scepter, and a crown wanting someone to give her some proper processional music before she would head to the living room, still not ready for bed.  Older sisters Rachel and Mariah were writing and/or drawing, both insisting that they had to finish getting out the idea before it was lost forever. Hunter had a bike helmet on his back using it for a jet pack, Nerf guns in both hands running in circles with sound effects for both the guns and jet pack.  Hannah was sitting quietly on the
couch with us ready for bed, waiting, watching in complete amusement.

By fourth grade a friend of hers made a remark that, much to Hannah's chagrin, has never gone away.  They were playing on the playground and she turned to Hannah and said, "Hannah, you're perfect and that's just not normal." It stuck! We loved it! and still to this day the we tell it to her all the time. She is certainly perfect to us in so many
wonderful individual ways.

Hannah is the uncontested favorite of everyone in the house. One year, after we had carefully drawn secret Santas for our Christmas gift exchange Hannah came to us privately, she was very upset.  As it turned out everyone of her siblings had come to her separately and confided who their person was and asked advice on what to give them.  She knew everyone's secret santa, which took all the fun out of it. We redrew then and every year after that with strict orders NOT to reveal to ANYONE, especially Hannah, who their person was.

It is easy to confide in her. She is calm and listens intently. She is wise in her advice, trustworthy and loving, and above all patient.  In fact, you know you have really crossed the line when Hannah gets upset because she is so patient. She is an anchor in this house.

People frequently ask how we balance her needs and the many needs of our ADHD kids. I think the answer is the same way we handle our ADHD kids. We treat her individually just like we treat them.  Looking to what she needs. We have treated all of our kids with the philosophy that each of us comes to this earth with strengths and weaknesses and our job as parents is to teach our kids how to strengthen and use their talents and conquer their weaknesses. She just has different weaknesses than the rest - she is allergic to bees and walnuts, she has terrible asthma, had to have eye surgery, she is quiet and reserved. While we were trying to get everyone else to control their actions and tone down their presence a bit we were pushing Hannah to be bolder. It has worked, and now as she is getting ready to step into the world as an adult and high school graduate (both events happened this week) she has come up with her own saying, "Why Not Be Bold!" She even wears a little leather bracelet with BB printed on it around her wrist to remind herself to step out of the shadows.

Capitalizing on her strengths has been the easier part. Like the rest of our children Hannah is a creative genius. Her amazing imaginative mind swirls with stories, drawings, characters, the perfect shot to set the perfect emotion sailing across the big screen.  In many ways she is a product of her natural talents and the free spirited talents and imagination of her siblings, which they wear so readily on their sleeve, unable to control or contain it. They like her are learning to find the right balance, each benefiting from the others struggle and experiences. And she is finding the boldness, last year it was applying to go to the California
Summer School for the Arts, getting accepted, and spending a month immersed in the amazing creative environment and learning they provide there. It was what gave her the courage to apply and get accepted to Cornish College of the Arts. It is that experience that will give her the courage to leave home in a couple

months, move to another state, and pursue her dreams.

We will not be the same without her here, she is a great part of the balance in our hearts BUT we will love her from here, support her in all the ways we can, and cheer her on her path as we do the rest of our children, each finding their own way, the way they will make a difference in this world.

Hannah, I know I speak for everyone when I say you are perfect for us and while it may not be normal, especially in our house, we love you and are so proud of who you are and who you are becoming.


Interested in other post about Hannah and her life as our only child without ADHD you might like these...

Studebakers and Bullet Trains

Creativity and ADHD Part I

Creativity and ADHD Part II

The Magical Drawing Fairy is Real

* all art work is the copyrighted property of Hannah Aro