Do as David Boreanaz Says - NOT as I do

If I thought there was any chance at all that David Boreanaz would actually see it or read it I would send the man a thank you note for his wonderfully insightful commencement address to the students of Ithica College.  He said, what I truly believe, every good parent wants their child to hear, to know, to internalize, and live their life by. He certainly said what I want my children to live by and what I believe in my heart is essential for them to understand as individuals that break the mold of normal, who think differently, who combine limitless energy and creativity with great intelligence in the pursuit of paths that are truly less traveled.

I was introduced to the show Bones not too long ago when my world came to a screeching halt with a long bout of pneumonia. It was my husband and children who encouraged me to watch it. I fell in love with it, in fact it may be the only TV show that I have ever fallen in love with.  Now they tease me because I follow the actors and actresses, the writers, and every bit of news I can find out about it. I became equally interested in the lead actor, David Boreanaz, as I watched interviews etc. because his energy, playfulness, impulsivity, and creativity reminds me of my children. I like finding successful adults who I can see my children's attributes in - it gives me hope that all the work and effort I put into raising mine will one day end well.  I like to see what has contributed to their success and hope to instill those principles into mine while they are still young and learn ways to encourage them as they grow older and struggle in a world that pushes for conformity rather than individuality.

early play

The commencement address given by David Boreanaz is great motivation and direction for young adults and adults; a pep talk before the big game, a reminder of what to seek and how to seek it to get the most out of life. It is also a great playbook of lessons to teach children as they grow up so that those messages are instilled in them from an early age. Whether you have children that are "normal" or kids like mine these messages are important. But when you have kids that march to the beat of their own drum, brake all the molds, and never knew there was even a box to think outside of these messages are critical.

One of the first things Mr Boreanaz laid out in his address was the importance finding your own authentic existence. To me he was saying find and own who you are, at your core. All of us have strengths and weaknesses it is not until we figure them out, until we own them, that we can begin to capitalize on our strengths and conquer our weaknesses.

He says he came by his authentic self through the honest process of play, "I cannot tell you the amount of times I spent and hours and the lives I lived among the gas cans and snow shovels and snow tires playing with those puppets and doing skits with my sisters. I learned early on that playing is so important...remember to play."

still playing

Play comes naturally to our children. In fact, they have played long beyond the age that society says they should and until I was listening to this talk and considering this post I never connected the absolute importance of it.  Next time I am complimented on the creativity, the talent in music and acting, their writing abilities, or what great artist they are and someone asks me how they all ended up so talented I know what to say.  Thank you, they are this way because we have always encouraged them to play.  And when my oldest, who has had such a wrestle with the notion of leaving childhood behind, is frustrated in her search for her path, I will remind her that growing up, when done right, does not mean you can no longer play. In fact, given her talents and desires playing may be the key to her
success.

Play, of course, must be combined with work to add up to progress. And work, the many jobs we hold on the path of life add dimension and experience to who we are.  David Boreanaz talked of the many jobs he held on the path to becoming what he is today and how those jobs worked for him in the end. He spoke of how each of those jobs helped him in his search for his authentic existence.  Some were, "tough...you guys have to work," he advised, "you have to earn it. No one is going to give you anything in this life. You have to earn it."

In a world where everything comes instantly it is hard for this generation to see that between steps A and step Z is a whole alphabet of experience. If we were to skip the experiences we skip all the wonderful stories and character they bring into our lives.


"laughing is essential." says David Boreanaz, "Laugh in your journey, laugh at yourself." I think I might have this one put on a plaque in my living room. Humor is critical to surviving the stresses and trials of life.  It is one thing that has made our family successful and saved us - otherwise the complete amount of chaos in this house would push us all over the mental edge. We have so many contradictory traits clamoring over each other, so much impulsivity, no filters on actions or mouths, people who need quiet and those that want everything loud, emerging social skills (and I use the term loosely) if we could not laugh at our weaknesses we would never have to strength to conquer them.

Get off the couch he advises, "it took an earth quake to get me off that couch." Taking charge of our lives and where we going takes effort and comes with risk and fear. Here, here is where I stumble, personally, and where I got the title for this post.  Mr Boreanaz says, "you see fear is a great motivator. So be uncomfortable, its okay, it gets you off the couch." And where I can say I have worked hard to instill these wonderful messages in my kids, whether I understood there relevance or not. I cannot say that I have been a good example of facing and conquering fear.  While Mr. Boreanaz seems to have a great relationship with fear I fall prey to it. While it is his motivator it is most certainly my captor, I think there might even be some water boarding involved. One of my greatest fears would be that while I tell my kids to take risks and not to let fear stop them they see that my example is just the opposite of my words.

In using the wonderful story Where the Wild Things Are (a family favorite in our house) he comes to a most beautiful conclusion saying, "there are so many malicious beasts at work in the world...the most destructive of all are the monsters born out of our own insecurities, you know them, its the negative messages that we give to ourselves. I can't do this. I'm going to fail. I'm not good enough. Don't listen to them...block them out...you can tame those thoughts. Don't be afraid. Fear blocks faith in yourself. it blocks your ability to love, it blocks out the sun if you let it ... be fearless."

And of course facing your fears brings you full circle to that search for your own self, your own story, the life you build and make and live. He says, "really living is the art of cutting through all the distractions of the day, finding a calm place in your head and your heart and getting to that core of yourself where you are most vulnerable and then own it."

This commencement address seemed perfectly timed.  It seems like for quite a while now we have been in a conversational rut with one of our older children. She tells us how frustrated she is with life and that it isn't progressing towards the end she really wants it to be going.  She points out how all of her friends lives are going places and how they are all doing things. She lists all their accomplishments. She laments that maybe she should take a different path, a more practical path like her friends.  She then sobs, real tears, over the path that she would abandon to be more practical.  I tell her to walk her own path, to recognize that her path
is different and different is good. I tell her to own who she is to not get lost in who other people are or distracted by what they are doing.

And after I listened to this address I said to her, "you HAVE to watch this, this was for you." I wanted her to hear someone else, who has lived a big life, tell her to trust herself, that authentic self that she has tapped into but is afraid to follow and act upon so she can live the big life she knows is inside of her. I wanted her to hear these powerful words that Boreanz spoke, "trust that what you love doing the most is what you're meant to do."  I wanted her to hear, not just listen, but hear him make this simple but beautiful comparison, "the dance floor of life is yours for the taking. Get out there, learn the moves, remember to strap on shoes that fit you, it's very important, not the ones that are perfect for someone else. Your turn on the dance floor, it won't be a minute waltz, more like a dance marathon."

And to her fear and mine he spoke, "You're going to make mistakes. Make them big, make huge mistakes, learn from your mistakes. You're going to get sidetracked, everybody gets sidetracked you might even get cancelled, don't take it personally please just get back out there because you know what, if you make it through season two they just might give you guys a spin off."

ADHD, dyslexia, SPD, dyspraxia, anxiety, OCD, dyscalculia, ODD, ASD depression they are all diagnosis, definitions, and parameters that help me understand the way my children think and how the way they are wired affects their actions.  When I say I wouldn't change those things about them if I could, I mean it.  They are amazing.  They are destined to live big lives and do great things using their unique perspective, their intelligence, creativity, energy, impulsiveness, imagination and more to change the world. Unique creative thinkers require unique and creative parenting. That is my passion, my children. I am certainly a work in progress myself  so for now I will say to my kids, you have to watch this, with the same enthusiasm and excitement  that they told me I had to watch Bones. I will sit them down and say listen to this, this is true and then I will add, "do as David Boreanaz says and I will try to also."

Our ADHD MESSage

I was sitting, waiting to get my hair cut, flipping through magazines for the perfect haircut when I saw this fantastic saying jump out at me from the sea of text and pictures.  "Turn your mess into your message."  Just then my name was called, I closed the magazine, got up and walked off.   I have no idea what magazine I was reading, no way of figuring out what brilliant person made that statement.  Those words have lingered, I haven't been able to shake them from my mind.  So, I decided to use it anyways because turning our mess into our message is what Queen of the Distracted has always been about.

Here we are, a family of nine. Myself, my husband, and our 7 kids.  That right there freaks most people out.  Then I tell them, but wait, that really isn't the messy part.  The messy part is that fact that my husband and 6 of those 7 children have severe ADHD and we seem to be doing our best to cover almost every co-occurring condition possible.  Sometimes reaching opposite ends of the same scale.  We have, for example, members of our family with sensory processing disorders.  In some strange twist of fate we have both those who are super sensitive to sound and one who is under responsive and tends to be very loud.  We have dylexics and I am pretty sure we have some undiagnosed hyperlexics.  

Regardless, of the labels and disorders we are a family doing our best to raise good children into fully functioning great adults.  As we started to walk down the path, discovering all these unique characteristics about our family, we found some things we didn't like.  We found stereotypes, myths, a lot of misunderstandings, and misinformation.  We seemed to be walking the path all alone, even though we knew there were many families like us dealing with similar issues.  Somewhere in between appointments at the psychiatrist for one kid or another and dealing with distraction, impulsivitiy, meltdowns, creative genius, and the need for constant positive stimuli we landed at a crossroads.  Do we keep living our lives, managing and growing our family all to ourselves or do we share our journey with the world and hope that it helps others as they work their way through life and their own unique challenges?

The answer was undeniable, we would share our lives in hopes that other families could find refuge in our struggles and triumphs.  In hopes that others wouldn't feel so alone.  In hopes that many could understand ADHD from real life place instead of technical scientific terms.  In hopes that they could find empowerment.

I am always grateful for the compliments people give me regarding the blog.  It keeps me, a rather private person, continually inspired to keep posting.  I appreciate everyone of those acknowledgements.  Today, though, I have been thinking about some unexpected gifts that have come to our family by sharing the antics, good and bad, with the world. 

Removing the shame and embarrassment of ADHD

I remember visiting with a friend at a reunion and as she spoke of her son's mental health issues her voice lowered to a whisper.  What she didn't know was despite her whisper he heard his name and attuned his ear.  He realized he was the subject of a hushed conversation.  She never saw his face but I did.  To me his face read shame and embarrassment.  She meant to talk in hushed tones to respect his privacy but in the process she inadvertently sent a message that his situation was not one to speak openly about.

It is important that our kids, no matter what they may struggle with (and everyone struggles with something) never come to a place where they feel that they are broken.  I don't care who you are, what your trial is, we all need to feel empowered to be successful.  If we teach our children, directly or inadvertently, that they're broken then how are they supposed to fight to overcome their challenges.  In addition to controlling the message that we give our children we have to fight the messages they get from their peers, from other adults in their lives, from the world.  It's a constant battle.

One way that our message has influenced our mess is by letting our kids know that we are not ashamed of them, that their disorder is just a challenge and that as they work on it they will learn to manage it.  It has been a forum for us to show our children that challenges are just stepping stones to success and to show them that their are many aspects of their ADHD that make them fantastic people.

Growth through self-examination and communication

It was my husband, Mark, who pointed out that the blog has helped us to use our experiences for growth.  We discuss what I write about on the blog as a family all the time.  It gives us the opportunity to break down different situations and rework how we might handle them differently.  That communication is a hallmark in our home and has had the most influence on how our kids are turning out.  In fact, we communicate so much with our kids that it often freaks other people, especially their friends, out.  I can't tell you how many kids have come through our home and said, "You talk to your parents about that?" in bewilderment.

All kids, but especially ADHD kids need to talk things out.  They need to understand how things work and why they work certain ways, it helps them to control impulsivity that is central to the disorder. We sometimes joke about the different phrases our kids approach us with that mean we're in for a long night.  "I have a question," "do you have a minute," "I was wondering," all mean I need help setting the world straight and understanding things that totally escape me.  I think during a couple of one daughter's more difficult years there wasn't a night that we got to bed before 2:00am. However, I wouldn't trade it for the good nights sleep, she landed square in the middle of some deep potholes on her path, but avoided many and I'm sure she avoided some situations that could have led to legal trouble all because of those late night talks.

There is so much that we've been able to help our kids through because they're used to communicating with us and are able to come to us for help in coping with situations and conflicts.  There is so much that the rest of the world takes for granted as innate understanding that ADHD kids and adults have to work at understanding.  It's our job as parents to help them learn those skills; communication is key to learning as is being able to deconstruct situations. 

Our message has given us a great tool for using our mess as a teaching tool.

ADHD awareness turns into self awareness

ADHD is tricky, though it's underlying causes are the same, the way in which it really manifests itself often varies, it's completely individual.  For example all of my ADHD kids and my husband struggle with inattentiveness but there struggle looks different from the outside.  One child embraces that inattentiveness entirely and really doesn't stress about it at all.  Another obsesses about it and quadruple checks everything.  One should be more concerned, the other should relax more. 

Understanding how their brains are wired, the experiences they are having, gives them a platform from which to dive into managing it.  They each have to be aware that they are inattentive, or impulsive, or whatever quality they're struggling with at the time and how that manifests itself in their own life so that they can figure out ways that work for them to combat it. 

Our message shines a spotlight on our actions, encourages self awareness, self acceptance, and growth.  Our message helps us acknowledge and manage our mess.

I had a dream the other day that we were living in one crazy apartment complex where our kitchen window, which had no glass in it, opened up onto a thoroughfare of complex activity.  When that window was open people could see straight into our kitchen, they watched what was happening in our house, freely would stop by and visit all while gazing into my kitchen.  My kitchen is never clean, despite heroic, monumental efforts, it's never totally clean.  I felt a little awkward with my messy kitchen hanging out there for all the world to walk by and see.  No one mentioned the mess.  That's not why they stopped.  They stopped to be apart of our family, to share in our love and acceptance, to become a part of our mess and our message.

I am fairly sure I had this dream because I am going to be on a local television station tomorrow to talk about ADHD Awareness Week.  I'm nervous.  One thing that our message has taught me is that from our mess there is a valuable message shared.  One that can only be shared by making ourselves a little vulnerable and honestly opening our lives to other.  Truth is, the risk is worth it for us, for our children our message has changed how we handle our mess for the better.

In honor of ADHD Awareness Week I am going to be posting daily, make sure you check back for the latest.  At the end of the week our family has a big announcement to share with you!

Vacuum Tube Transportation and Other Strokes of Genius

I have to admit, the older the kids get, the more responsible they are for getting their own medication in the morning, the harder time I have managing when they are getting close to running out.  Then, I'm in a rush to call the doctor's office for refill prescriptions, get them to pharmacy, and get refills before they run out.  So, more and more I end up in the drive through line at the pharmacy with one or more of my kids.  They're there because they are completely unmedicated.  Best bet is to take them with me.

Interestingly enough, my 13 year old son was talking about the experience of being unmedicated as we were on our way to pick up the medication.  He said he kind of enjoys being with out medication at first - there's a sort of freedom to his thoughts.  He indicated that at first that is a fun feeling - ideas bouncing around in his brain like a hand full of bouncy balls that have been thrown down really hard on the ground.  A sense that he's carried by his brain - having no control over where it will take him.


But, he added quickly, there's a relief when he takes his meds.  A sense that control is on the way, that soon he'll be able to manage the thoughts running through his mind.  He'll at least have some control over what he thinks about and where it will take him.  What an odd paradox - the freedom feels good but uncontrollable and therefore a little scary.  The control from the medication feels safe but somewhat restrictive.

We were still very much in the "freedom of thought" state when we pulled up to the pharmacy's drive through lane - the one with the vacuum tube that sucks your payment and paper prescriptions up a tube and deposits them in the pharmacy and then sends the medications back the same way.  I thought my boys were going to have an aneurism they were so excited.

They wanted to jump out of the car and into the tube themselves. They wanted to take it apart.  They wanted to know all about how it worked.  They wanted to make a super large one that ran from our house to their father's work and stick him in it every morning to send him off.  Dad's 6 foot 3 - he is a big guy.  This was an amazing visual that they could not resist.  Can you imagine, they mused, somebody's standing at work and wooosh, "Hey, it's Mark.  Mark's here!"  The sound effects and scenarios filled the car.

But what if he got stuck?  Easy, all they needed was a gigantic plunger or maybe a bunch of gigantic plungers.  A hatch would open, the gigantic plunging system would fall into place and plunge until daddy was successfully dislodged and sailing through the vacuum tube once more.  I was slightly disturbed - they were in heaven.

My next stop was to take my husband his lunch and medication, since he is equally as bad at telling me when he's close to out of meds, great at telling me when he has taken his last day.  As he walked up to meet us at the car the boys couldn't contain their excitement - they were talking over each other explaining design and functionality of vacuum tube travel.  The sound effects were flying like bullets in a war zone.

What did Mark have to say about all this, "Hmmm, what if you got positioned in the tube wrong.  You could get a really horrible wedgie."  Well, that was an unexpected answer.  The boys loved it.  Jaren pointed out that they were not going to stick him in the tube directly - he would be in a pod of sorts, sailing through the tube underground.  No atomic vacuum tube wedgies.  Mark was not happy about traveling underground.  He was totally up for vacuum tube travel as long as he could be up high, have a sense he was flying, and a great view. 

I passed out the meds and bottled water.

It was time for a little thought management.  Freedom of thought is not bad thing.  Most of the time it's amusing and certainly adds a lot of humor into our lives.  I am sure that many of the world's greatest creations have come from moments just like ours when one thought sparked another until something totally new and revolutionary came to mind and then into existence.

One thing that all of my ADHD/ADDers have pointed out is that medication does not take away their creativity and, believe me, they are an intensely creative group.  The minds in our house are full of art to draw, music to compose, inventions to build, films to make, and novels to write.  Medication allows them to aim their creativity, to follow through with their thoughts.  It allows them to take a concept, have the wherewithal  to take out of their mind, and create it in the real world.  Not without struggle, but it opens up the potential and makes success plausable.

This same son, Hunter, who was talking about his love hate relationship with medication pointed out that one of the hardest aspects of ADHD and its co-occurring conditions is to have such great thoughts.  So many thoughts that completing any of them is a struggle.  One great thought knocks the other out of the spot light, then that one is knocked by another in never ending bombardment of great ideas. The medication gives him the concentration and focus to further that cascade of brilliance and carefully direct it towards a fabulous end.

Does that mean that those that can't take medication or choose to not take medication are doomed.  No.  We have a daughter who has recently gone off stimulants.  They aggravated her anxiety, impulsiveness, and some other ADHD qualities to that point where what she gained in focus was nothing compared to what she lost to these other symptoms.  She would be the first to tell you how hard it has become to direct those brilliant creative thoughts into tangible completed work.  She's having to master her brain without the benefit of a stimulant and it is exhausting.  It easily one hundred times as hard, but, definitely doable.  Especially, since she is aware of the battle that's raging.  Trust me when I say she has a lot of, "lost the battle but will still win the war" days.

We are still laughing about my big husband, Mark, sailing through the vacuum transportation tube with a wedgie, on his way to work, hoping to avoid getting stuck in the tube, and having to be plunged to continue on his way.  We will be for a long time.  It's not likely that this particular idea is going to be the one we see to completion - I'm not so sure it should be.  But there are many more where that came from, in my house and in houses around the world where these brilliant brains reside.

These are the brains that given the right support, encouragement, and tools will change the world.  They will change the way we see it, feel about it, and interact with it.  The trick for us as parents, teachers, and caretakers of this unlimited amazing potential is to remember the possibilities, continue to encourage, and direct even when we are exhausted from being up all night because that child has insomnia. Even when your teenage daughter is torturing the cub scouts because she's frustrated and over stimulated.  Even when your brilliant child is in danger of failing because they haven't turned in one homework assignment all semester and no one told you until it was almost too late to fix.


The trick is to remember and hold onto the knowledge that they are brilliant because of their unique BRAINS not in spite of them.

Warning: Objects in Motion Stay in Motion

We have a way of raising eyebrows and inciting laughter all at the same time.

Our shear numbers can be shocking.  Add to that a bunch ADHD and a lack of inhibition and we are pure entertainment.  It might make some people uncomfortable but for the most part people seem amused.  Sometimes they even laugh or comment on what fun we are obviously having.  That was certainly the case the other night when we met Mark for pizza. 

It all started with the jukebox and some Michael Jackson.  Toe tapping, then shoulders, and then everyone is dancing in their seats, even my husband, Mark.  A little singing along but restrained, well, restrained for our crowd.

On to some classic rock and head banging.

By the time Justin Beiber came on Rachel was singing to Hannah, "Baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby, baby, noooo!" and really getting into it.

Leaving we met one of pleasantly amused types.  The first question is almost always, "Are they all yours?"   Almost always followed by, "It must be a party all the time at your house."

Not always, though we certainly do have a lot of fun.  With so many people and personalities we certainly have lots of moments where someone is upset, angry, sad, tortured, depressed, traumatized.  In fact, some days it seems like I rotate from one drama to the next; but, not this night.


After pizza we were off to the grocery store where I couldn't help but think about the post I made the other day; Parkas in Summer, Shorts in the Winter.  I was remembering those days when they were all small and all held onto the cart.  In some ways life was a bit simpler.  In fact, I think I may have threatened to make them all grab a corner of the cart.


Yep, everyone in this picture at the grocery store is with me!

I wish you could have seen my expression as I looked up to this sight in the freezer section.  I think my head tilted to the side like a confused puppy!  I couldn't help but laugh when Fernie, a permanent fixture in our house and also ADHD,  went and stuck his head into the freezer case.  I was just about to ask what he was looking at when all of the sudden there they were with their heads down in the case.  He pops up, "I was just wondering how many would come and join me." 

It was a crazy fun night.  Truth be told no one was unhappy, no one was so far out of line that they were making the night stressful.  No one was sad or depressed or angry. 

Can you ask for more?

Parkas in Summer, Shorts in the Winter

My dad is a safety fanatic, truly obsessed.  So when I was a kid our dart board was Velcro.  The "darts" were ping pong balls with little strips of the scratchy side of Velcro.  The dart board itself was soft material.  You had to throw that dart-ball just right; because, if you didn't the smooth side of the ball would bounce right off the board.

The more I experienced ADHD with my husband and children, the more I learned about it,  the more I saw a similarity between my old dart board and the ADHD brain.  So much information comes at the brain,  there is not much rhyme or reason to what sticks and what doesn't.  It is just like those little dart balls - it has to hit just right to stick.


Some things stick so well that you can hardly get them off the board.  

In my years as a parent I have spent all summer trying to get my kids out of their winter clothes, despite the 100+ temperatures.  Right about the time they finally put away the parkas the seasons change.  Then I spend most of winter reminding them that they are cold because they are wearing shorts! 

My current dilemma is how to pry my two youngest off the sides of the shopping cart.  I realize that this might not be something to complain about given the alternative.

I remember when my second child was born, I was panicked about taking two small children to the store by myself.  By the time my last child was born I had six under nine years old.  Of course, shopping had to be done, so I figured it out.  I did it by having them hold onto the cart, several on each side. What a spectacle we were, bulldozing our way through the store!

The kids knew that if they did not hold onto the cart it was a deal breaker - we would leave or they wouldn't get a promised treat.  One by one they all got older, they all reached the point where they could let go of the cart.  I will have to be honest, sometimes their exploits in the store make me question that decision.

My last two, my boys, won't let go of the cart.

That rule stuck and now I am stuck with the rule.  People coming the opposite direction - the boys won't budge.  Narrow isles - I am begging them to let go.   Encouraging them all the way - you are big now - you don't have to hold on to the cart...every second.  Then finally the voice of frustration, "Okay, we're stuck, someone has to let go!"


Then there are the darts that don't stick no matter how many times you throw them.

For example, we have toy box we bought many years ago to use as a shoebox in our house.  No matter where we have lived that shoebox has been within steps of entering the house, you practically trip over it to get through the entryway.  And yet, almost anytime of day, any day of the year, there will be shoes all over my house.

No amount of threatening changes this.  I have not yet found a consequence that has the power to make them remember to put their shoes in the shoebox.  No matter how many times or differing ways I throw that dart it just doesn't stick. I have a friend who is fighting the same battle - she has been confiscating the shoes that aren't put away.

I thought about that for a moment - I may have tried that in the past - to be honest, I don't remember.  I do, however, know exactly what would happen if I tried it today.  My children would all be shoeless.

Truth be told, regardless of motivations disciplining a child with ADHD is just different than one without.  Traditional punishments rarely work.  Maybe it is their tendency toward creative problem solving (see post Creativity and ADHD part II).  Their minds naturally go toward a solution that makes the punishment not a punishment.  I cannot tell you how many times I have taken away a privilege only to hear something like, "Its okay that I can't play the Play Station, I have been meaning to read more."

No matter how many punishments I can throw out they can come up with ways to make the punishment work for them.  It is a frustrating process.  I think it is why I am so fond of the "put your nose on the wall" punishment, boredom is the worst and most powerful punishment I have found. 

But, it has yet to get the shoes in the shoebox.

I am sure there are many reasons why some things stick and some don't.  When it comes to the shoes I am sure that when my children come through the door they have long ago left behind whatever they were doing before they came inside.  Mentally, they have already been in the house and working on whatever they are running towards.  They are moving as fast as they can so that they don't lose the idea or forget it.

I have come to a place where I pick my battles.  In addition to being hard to discipline I believe their is a real danger in a child being constantly in trouble, being constantly reminded of how forgetful and in translation how incompetent they are.  I don't want my children to feel defeated, I want them to feel empowered to conquer their struggles with ADHD.  How can they feel that way if their faults are constantly the only thing they see?

So, I choose what rules I will be a stickler about and I do my own "creative problem solving."  I send the kids out once or twice a day to get all the shoes and put them away.  The shoe situation is one of those things that I have had to find a different solution to.

So, if you stop by my house my advice is, watch your step.

Creativity and ADHD Part II

She slid around the corner of the bread isle in Vons - one hand on her hip, one straight up in the air, rock star style. In her self proclaimed over exaggerated, deep, sweaty, Bon Jovi voice she belted out, "Cause I'm wanted...wante-e-ed...dead or alive!"

She is 17.

Everybody turned to look, froze, and stared.  The butcher almost dropped his meat. A man with his young son in the cart, eyes wide as saucers, hastily moved on in an act of protection. 

When Casey Schwatz wrote ADHD's Upside is Creativity, Says New Study for The Daily Beast this might have been what she meant when she talked about a lack of inhibition.  I was reading her article; which talked about divergent thinking, creative problem solving and lack of inhibition - all aspects of ADHD - and their effect on creativity.  A flood of personal examples come to mind. So many that it is hard to choose which to write about.

Some are perfect examples of brilliance, some are a little scary, some are just funny, most are all of the above.  Maybe they are the good, the bad, and the extreme of life with ADHD.

That same 17 year old, Mariah, that shocked the mild mannered shoppers in the grocery store is a musician and lyricist herself.  That same lack of inhibition or impulsiveness that would send her reeling around the corner in the super market allows her to create, sometimes instantaneously, a masterpiece of music and lyrics. This clip is only a little bit that will be in an upcoming movie.  There is no doubt in my mind that her impulsiveness transforms her creativity.  She speaks through her music.  I have watched it overtake her, an irresistible force that cannot be contained.  It is hard to describe, it is such an energetic and real experience.

 

Sometimes the speed at which this creative movement takes place is astounding.  I have watched people sit in awe as my oldest would carry on a conversation and draw at the same time. From scribble to detail in moments.  Her younger siblings all have fond memories of what they called "drawing stories."  She would sit and illustrate a story as she made it up and told it to them. The speed at which she creates, transforms her artistic ability to movement and emotion on paper.  It is not overly thought out.  It is simply expressed.  In fact, whether it is in her art or writing, when she does try to plan, the planning really becomes a stumbling block for her. Her inhibition or impulsiveness is her greatest tool.

This force of creativity and energetic thought fights for an expression.  Unanswered, this creative force, will fester and  like a balloon that is filled with too much air - it will eventually pop, emotionally and/or physically,  in one way or another.  I have seen that too. 

Some years ago my husband, Mark, started working on a children's story to express this very real ADHD experience of being overwhelmed by thoughts and ideas.  "Bean Pole McCoy was a regular boy - except for his really large head."  His head was so full of ideas that he could not manage them all.  His head grew and grew until it over took everything in his world.  You can see in Mark's illustration how these ideas and Bean Pole's growing head overshadow his whole world.  I know from listening to my Husband and all of my many ADHD children that this is a real and persistent struggle.

In addition to a lack of inhibition the article also talks about divergent thinking.  I am not at all sure that the term "thinking outside the box" even begins to describe the type of divergent thinking that is involved in ADHD.  I would say it is a perspective difference at its core.  I see it in a thought pattern that I cannot even follow or understand.  The intrinsic difference between the "why" thinker and the "why not" thinker.  Interestingly enough, it seems that my ADHDers all understand the perspective and train of thought that leads them while to me it takes a lot of work to get it, if I ever "get it" at all.

I thought this picture taken by my daughter, Mary, really illustrated that difference in perspective.  I would never think to take a picture over a person's shoulder, catching their candid expression in the side mirror of the van.  Then again, Mary rarely thinks of taking a picture strait on.  I would never see the sunset as Rachel sees it and think of tragic star crossed lovers cursed to only touch in that moment when twilight meets dusk.  I love it and I enjoy their perspective. I enjoy what is created when their divergent thinking, influenced by their lack of inhibition meets their talent.


There is not doubt in my mind that divergent thinking quickly leads to creative problem solving.  There is an element of creative brilliance hidden in some moments of ADHD problem solving.  I say hidden because you have to look past the initial shock value of some of these experiences to find the brilliance.

When Mary was about 4 her bedroom faced the street with a really huge window.  It had mini-blinds that we tried to keep closed so that people couldn't see into their room and because when the blinds were lifted up they left a very long cord hanging down.  Mary had already tried to make a tightrope with a bathrobe tie spanning from the bed to the crib.  We caught her mid air, as she took her first step onto it.  We did not want to see what she could do with a long dangling cord.

We told Mary that she would be in big trouble if she opened those blinds because it was dangerous.  We have always tried to explain the reasons behind rules - it seemed to make our children more invested in keeping them.  And she did keep the rule, she did not open those blinds again.  Imagine our shock, though, when we came in one morning to find a perfect square cut out of those metal mini-blinds with plastic pre-school scissors.  Her explanation was simple, "You told me to not pull up the blinds and I couldn't see out, so I cut a square to look out."  She solved the problem...creatively.

The good, the bad and the extremely ADHD.  What an adventure our lives are - certainly nothing I ever dreamed of when I thought of sunlit nurseries and raising children.  Then again, life is in the journey - isn't it - and isn't it the journey that shapes us. 

Our children have definitely shaped me, they stretch me as a parent and a person everyday.  We strive to shape them by helping them understand their brains and learn, as best they can, to manage that incredible instrument.  We try to feed their talents and give them the positive outlets they need to use their fast paced creative minds, their free thinking brains, to express the many ideas scrambling for a chance to come out.  We also try to teach them to filter and abandon the bad ones; but, that is very much a work in progress.


For example, When discussing how gross and disgusting the trash cans had become in the hot summer, Mariah, came up with a solution.  We don't pay the bill, they will collect the stinky things. Then we pay to restore service and they deliver fresh clean cans. 

Always a work in progress, always an adventure.

 * all ideas, art, photography and music in this post are the copyrighted property of their individual creators respectively: Mark Aro, Mariah Aro, Rachel Aro, Mary Aro.

** pictures can be enlarged by clicking on them

Creativity and ADHD: Part I

Those who know me - especially my family - know that I do love to be right.  The other night when my sister sent me a link to an article about ADHD and creativity I have to tell you I felt justified, proven right.

The article was reporting on a study which found that people with ADHD are more "creative" than their non-ADHD counterparts.  Creativity has always been a hard one to define and has been the subject of a great deal of debate within the ADHD community.  Some say that creativity, itself, exists independent of ADHD and is, therefore, something that ADHD cannot lay claim to as a positive trait.

Some in the ADHD community don't want to claim to it for fear that pointing out the positives of ADHD diverts attention from the struggles.  That it gives those who would downplay or negate ADHD as a real disorder ammunition.

I have always said differently.  While it is true that ADHD does not corner the market on creativity there is something entirely different that happens to creativity when you add in a little ADHD. Something that holds a great deal of potential. I have six kids - five with ADHD.  I live the life, walk the walk, every minute of everyday and I need the positives to hold onto.  I need them for my children to hold onto and to help them find their way in this world.


What interested me most in the article; ADHD's Upside is Creativity, Says New Study, found in the The Daily Beast was the overall driving forces or characteristics that influence creativity and are so pronounced in ADHD.  The characteristics that came shining through in the study were divergent thinking, the effect of lack of inhibitions on creativity, as well as creative problem solving. 

I would consider our house my own center of research.

Drawing, acting, film, game design, experiments, concoctions (oh, the concoctions), ideas, philosophies, problem solving, music, composition, perspectives, stories, plays, cooking, animation, photography, obsessions;  I can not even list the creative endeavors that this family engages in daily.  Sometimes in the craziest places.  I have often said that we were creatively masochistic.

Just like no two children are alike; no two children with ADHD are even remotely alike.  I deal in extremes everyday.  I have some who stimuli will cause to lash out and some who beat a hasty retreat.  I have inattentive, happy in lala land and inattentive, freaked out OCD to compensate.  I have some with learning disabilities on top of their ADHD and some without them.  I have some that are more verbally and physically impulsive and those who are not.  I have some who are medicated easily and some that we are forever trying to find the right balance for.  I have some that are all of the above and some who are every varying degree in between.

I also have one non-ADHD child who just happens to be a creative genius herself. Because of her I feel a little qualified to speak on the difference between ADHD creativity and non-ADHD creativity.

Impulsiveness is a just a trait.  In and of itself it is neither bad nor good.  But, how it comes out in behavior can sure sculpt my day.  There is no doubt that it can be a burden; but, on an equal note I see the greatness it can inspire.

There is a beauty to impulsivity when it meets the right idea.  It is that lack of impulse control or lack of inhibition that allows the mind to grab on with both hands and turn a thought into a great work of art, a moving and emotional musical composition, a life changing piece of film.  It is in that moment, science takes new steps.  It takes the idea of caring and turns it into fast acting of compassion.  It turns a good athlete great, orchestrating athletics into art.

This trait is a force that can hardly be resisted by the ADHD mind. An immediate translation from thought to action.  I have seen it, watched it unfold.  



When my non-ADHDer was tiny, maybe 3 years old, I came up behind her sitting at the table with her pencil and paper in hand.  Her sisters were already skilled drawing fanatics.  In her tiny voice she whispered, "Oh magical drawing fairy, touch my pencil so I can draw like my sisters."  



My non-ADHD child draws, sculpts, and bakes (cake decorating is her latest passion). She is the eye of a photographer, has a beautiful voice, reads fanatically, and visualizes the movies she will one day direct.  All of that is a calculated and thought out process for her.  I have watched her hesitate where her siblings jump in.  It is work for her to create spontaneously.  In fact, about her only spontaneous act of creativity are cartoons depicting her frustrations with her ADHD siblings. 

It does not make her less creative or less talented by any means; but, there is an intrinsic difference between her creative experience and theirs.

She, like myself, is cautious and careful.  She is more reserved.  Where they have no inhibition - she is burdened by them.  We are the anchor in the house, we keep them from floating off into the atmosphere -- they are the hot air balloons, lifting us off the ground. 

She and I sit squarely in the box with a notebook and pen to plan.  They have no idea there is a box, much less where it is.  We are the concurrent thinkers and they are the definitely divergent thinkers.  We problem solve on known paths, it is so much more comfortable.  They are clearly on the path less traveled.

We try to understand and operate in each others worlds.  It is the balance that we strive to find daily between impulsiveness and calculated thought, between divergent and concurrent thinking, between traditional problem solving and new frontiers. 

In the end we are changed by each other -- largely for the better.  Isn't that what we really want as an ADHD community.  See us for not just our struggles but for our strengths.  Certainly, one does not negate the other.

Make sure and read ADHD and Creativity: Part II

** all the art on this post is the copyrighted work of Hannah Aro - our above mentioned non-ADHD child