Finding Patience in the ADHD House - Just Keep Swimming

My husband, the Distracted King, thought I should entitle this post Just Keep Swimming, after Dory in
Finding Nemo. At first I wasn't sure about that, though, the more I thought about the patience it takes to raise a house full of ADHDers I did think I can completely relate to Dory. Sometimes, most times, life in my house is overwhelming and the answer really is, "just keep swimming."

I was recently asked how I have the patience to deal with so many ADHDers under one roof. The answer is complicated. It was certainly too complicated for the 140 characters at a time that twitter provides. The answer is, I am not always patient, ask my husband and kids. They will
certainly attest to it, but, I am mostly patient because I have learned the value of it. How did I learn, by being impatient and figuring out it made things worse for both them and me. I look at the goal of parenting as a very long term far reaching goal.

I want my kids to be healthy, to love who they are and embrace it, to be good-hearted people who want to make a positive change in the world.  I want them to have to skills to do that. I don't want to crush who they are, their spirit, I want to empower them to live up to their strengths and conquer their weaknesses. Conquering doesn't mean getting rid of, by the way, I believe it means learning to work with, around, over whatever it takes to deal with them so that their weaknesses don't keep them from using their strengths. Yes, do I want to them to learn social skills, maybe not so many that they completely repress everything that pops into their mind to say or do, but enough to be able to choose when to filter their thoughts and actions to best serve the needs of the situation.

I believe that the daily goal of parenting should be to keep the end goal in mind - do what will help them not just today but down the road. Keeping the goal in mind is what changed the way I parent day to day. So, these are the things that I try to keep in mind day to day to make that work.

Unconditional Love 

People define love in so many ways but when I  parent I have to start with unconditional love - I love regardless. Regardless of inabilities, weaknesses, frailties. I love when they are successful and when they are not. I love them just as much when they make us proud as when they embarrass us. And most importantly I make sure that THEY know that I love them regardless. That I love them, love them absolutely, completely separate and independent of their actions.

Accept your child for where they are at now, today. 

It is easy to get caught up in what we think that our kids should be able to do at certain ages. Our expectation of where they should be can't and shouldn't cloud our acceptance and acknowledgement of where they are now. To help our children make progress in any area of life I have found I have to know and accept where they really are right now. Being honest with where that is changes perspective and makes progress really possible.

For example, our daughter with dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyspraxia, and ADHD got advanced on her state testing this last year in English/Language Arts. A far cry from when she was in the 5th grade reading at a first/second grade level. Her progress started when we were able to be honest about where she really was, then we could help her. She still has all the same disorders but she has learned, is still learning, how to overcome them. It goes the same for any habit, any social skill, any weakness. Be honest and accept where they are today so that you can work on changing tomorrow.

Redefine normal as normal for us

This goes hand in hand with being honest about where things really are.  Abandon "normal" and embrace who they are. It is easy to get caught up in what society says is normal and expect that for our own lives. What follows are feeling of frustration and failure because we aren't experiencing "normal."

Here is our normal. It is normal for us to take at least 2 hours to get ready to leave the house to go somewhere. It is normal for us to get over stimulated in crowds and need a break. It is normal for our house to be driven by creativity which spills out in everything we do and are. It is normal for us to get easily frustrated and meltdown. It is normal for us to be on or off, completely engaged and passionate or totally uninterested. It is normal for us to forget, even seconds after being reminded. It is normal for change, even the slightest change, even a good change to rock the world and make it momentarily unmanageable. It is normal for us to be captured by an idea and need to record it so we don't lose its brilliance forever. It is normal to be distracted by anything and everything that is more appealing to think about or do. It is normal for the impulse to act to be way stronger than the impulse to think about the consequences of that action.

My advice, find and respect each individual's normals. We have redefined normal to suit what normal is for us as individuals and our family.

Accepting what normal is for us had not meant that we just excuse away bad behavior. What it means is teaching our kids how to act appropriately in different situations. It means that we can acknowledge our own normal and set it aside when the circumstances demand.

Adjust your expectation



Once we accept where our child is, we have accepted our new normal, then we start adjusting our expectations. I start with the reality of where they are at. If it takes several hours for them to get ready in the morning I am not going to get that down to 10 minutes over night. I can, and have, slowly adjusted behavior. So maybe now the same child can work the coping mechanisms we have put in place together and get ready in an hour not three. If you start every days homework thinking this should only take a half an hour and 3 hours later you are still doing homework you are going to be frustrated and mad all the time. If you start saying this is going to take 3 hours and it only takes two you are going to be happy and excited. There are inherent traits of ADHD, ASD, learning disabilities, anxiety, SPD, depression, that will quite frankly be long arduous battles to gain the coping skills that will last and be used the rest of your child's life.

Pick your battles

Some things aren't as important as we think they are - we all have standards that need to be kept and reenforced but there are a lot of things that we can compromise on and work out to the benefit of ourselves and our kids. Home shouldn't be a minefield of expectations. Home should be a place to learn, understand, grow, and explore. It should be a place where you feel safe and understood. A place where it is okay to make mistakes, a place where we are given the opportunity to learn from them. As parents we have had to pick our battles keeping the long range goals in mind. If we take up every battle and nit pick the little things we will lose both the battle and the war.

Respect the way their brain works and create coping mechanism to meet your needs and theirs

writing homework in planner - not enough

I truly believe one of the greatest thing we can do for our children is figure out what their experience is, understand it, empathize with it, learn about it. Then help them learn to recognize and understand their experience so that they can communicate with you and others what that is. When we figure that out that we can begin to develop coping mechanisms, tricks, reminders, stopgaps that help manage the long list of traits and struggles that they are having. They will need those coping mechanisms and use them all their lives. The trick is they have to work for them, with them and their personality. It's easy as a parent to try and fix something by throwing what would work for us at our kids. Sometimes that may work but when it doesn't we need to look to our kids to voice possible solutions. Any system that we create as a coping mechanism is more effective with their buy in. It also trains them to problem solve for themselves, to recognize when they are struggling with something and seek effective solutions (long range parenting mixed with the here and now). Ultimately, it has to work for them, they have to use it, and we want them to be able to use it on their own when we aren't there to make it happen.

This is a long process of hits and misses. I have to remind myself to be patient as we always seem to figure out more systems that don't work than systems that do.

Discipline with learning in mind

In our home, sometimes, in fact I would say most of the time, our discipline doesn't look like discipline at all. It looks like teaching and learning. That is on purpose. We learned long ago that traditional method of discipline don't work at all. I remember more than one frustrating conversation after another (before I understood this principle) where I would lay out a punishment, "no TV." Countered by, "well, that's okay I have been meaning to watch less TV." I would add to the punishment no this, no that. Countered by mental adjustments making whatever punishment was given a good thing. Frustrating at best.

Then at some point I realized my goal was not, should not be to to punish. The goal, the thing I wanted was for them to learn. A long time ago our punishments changed. We don't do timeouts for set times, they are dependent on the kid and how long it takes them to pull things back under control. We use them as a reset button. As soon as they are calm and ready to talk and listen then we are done with punishment and ready to learn. Learning is the goal. We talk about why something was wrong, how to handle a situation differently, what to do, how to communicate. Whatever the situation requires so that next time we can achieve a different outcome.

Accept progress as progress even if it's a tiny bit - celebrate it!

Progress can be so slow that sometimes it doesn't feel like we're making it at all. Be watchful for progress, find it where ever you can and point it out, celebrate it. Especially when you are in the middle of disciplining and teaching because something went wrong find the ways in which your child has improved and point those out. Eventually you will look around and realize you are much farther up the mountain than you realized. They will see it too. One of that hardest battles our kids face is self esteem. The sense that they are less than others because of their struggles is evident to them all the time, even when no one is specifically pointing it out. It often leaves them feeling like they are broken. Who can effect change in their life when they feel broken? I don't believe anyone can. We need our kids to feel empowered, to know that they are brilliant, and that whatever problem that lies in front of them is not bigger than their ability to meet it head on and conquer it.

Encourage your child to engage in what they are passionate about in a healthy way

Pursuing the things that they are passionate about, sports, music, art, drama, science, literature, whatever it is, creates balance in our children and that translates into balance in our lives and home. It is important enough that despite pressing schedules we carve out time for them to engage in whatever their passion is. It feeds them the best things in life, confidence, creativity, empowerment, teaches them to set goals, to endure hardship and opposition, conquer failure and in the end find success. It gives them joy. It gives me joy as I watch them.

Enjoy your children

Don't allow yourself to be so tired or worn out by the day to day battle that you can't enjoy your children. Find ways to stop and enjoy the wonderful spark that makes them an individual. Laugh with them, celebrate them. Approach life with a healthy dose of humor. Our sense of humor is a lifeline. It is an anchor in our home and often the vehicle by which we use to teach most effectively.

In fact, as my husband is quick to point out there is nothing like humor in its ability to turn around a tense situation or meltdown.

We have a motto: Aro family making simple things hard. And when we have really made life more difficult than it has to be we drag out the motto and laugh at ourselves. We enjoy our impulsiveness, our creativity, our whims, our diversions. We laugh together, sing together, get frustrated together, make up parody lyrics together. Those are our things, your things will be specific to your family, maybe its have Nerf wars together or playing sports together, whatever it is do it and have fun doing it.

Make time to take care of yourself

Admittedly I am horrible at this, so my advice would have to be either do what I say not what I do or enlist friends and family to make you stop and get some time to yourself to retreat and regroup. I have great family and friends who drag me out of it all so I can keep perspective. I remember sometimes when my kids were all younger and life seemed very overwhelming I would put myself in a time out. That's right, realizing that my kids were just being kids not doing anything wrong, I would say to them, "Mommy is overwhelmed I need a time out." I would go take a few minutes where I had some space but could still be aware and hit my own reset button. I have found hobbies and diversions that help me cope, find more patience, more enjoyment, more love, more fun.

And as Dory says, "Just keep swimming!"

Just keep at it. I have hard days, I have times that I think we're not making any progress at all, I lose my temper. However,  I know that if I can just "keep swimming" I will be surprised how far we've come, how much progress we've made and how much fun we've had getting there. Our family is older now, I can look back and see with ease the things that have worked and the things that were disastrous failures. In the end, it is the guiding principles that have made the difference in our home, that have helped us find our own normal and embrace it. I have to say we've covered a whole lot of ocean by just following Dory's advice in Finding Nemo and we've had some great adventures. No doubt we have lots more ocean to cover, certainly some uncharted territory yet to explore, and undoubtedly more amazing adventures as we just keep swimming.

That's Just Not Normal

Hannah wrote a picture book last year. A beautiful story about being different. A little kid born into a fabulously famous clown family has no inclination towards the family business, the kid just isn't funny in the way that everyone else in the family is. Throughout the story this little clown finds his own place, his own voice, his own way to be fabulous and still be a wonderful important part of his family. Really it was her story, her experience.

I knew something was different about Hannah when she was an infant - she slept like infants are supposed to sleep, ate like they are supposed to eat, played and grew like they were supposed to play and grow.  From the time she was tiny she would sit on my lap, in the swing, car seat, bouncy chair, and quietly watch her older two sisters in complete amusement.  I used to say that Hannah was so easy she was an argument for having a 4th child.

Later when Rachel had been finally diagnosed with ADHD, then their father, my husband Mark, then younger sister Mary, then Mariah I started to panic and took all the rest of the family in for testing. I was afraid I was going to miss something and have another child struggle needlessly without proper help and intervention. Sure enough there was something different about Hannah, she was the only one of our 6 (biological) children that did NOT have ADHD and all the accompanying co-conditions. It was me and her in a sea of ADHD.

It has been a remarkable difference to watch. One night when we had told everyone to get ready for bed and then meet in the living room for family prayer. Mark and I sat on the couch and chuckled as chaos circled around us. We reminded, then we followed up, then followed up again and again. Jaren was swinging from the bars of the top bunk in between the two beds hooting like a monkey. Mary was still dressed in her day clothes with robes on, holding some kind of stick as a scepter, and a crown wanting someone to give her some proper processional music before she would head to the living room, still not ready for bed.  Older sisters Rachel and Mariah were writing and/or drawing, both insisting that they had to finish getting out the idea before it was lost forever. Hunter had a bike helmet on his back using it for a jet pack, Nerf guns in both hands running in circles with sound effects for both the guns and jet pack.  Hannah was sitting quietly on the
couch with us ready for bed, waiting, watching in complete amusement.

By fourth grade a friend of hers made a remark that, much to Hannah's chagrin, has never gone away.  They were playing on the playground and she turned to Hannah and said, "Hannah, you're perfect and that's just not normal." It stuck! We loved it! and still to this day the we tell it to her all the time. She is certainly perfect to us in so many
wonderful individual ways.

Hannah is the uncontested favorite of everyone in the house. One year, after we had carefully drawn secret Santas for our Christmas gift exchange Hannah came to us privately, she was very upset.  As it turned out everyone of her siblings had come to her separately and confided who their person was and asked advice on what to give them.  She knew everyone's secret santa, which took all the fun out of it. We redrew then and every year after that with strict orders NOT to reveal to ANYONE, especially Hannah, who their person was.

It is easy to confide in her. She is calm and listens intently. She is wise in her advice, trustworthy and loving, and above all patient.  In fact, you know you have really crossed the line when Hannah gets upset because she is so patient. She is an anchor in this house.

People frequently ask how we balance her needs and the many needs of our ADHD kids. I think the answer is the same way we handle our ADHD kids. We treat her individually just like we treat them.  Looking to what she needs. We have treated all of our kids with the philosophy that each of us comes to this earth with strengths and weaknesses and our job as parents is to teach our kids how to strengthen and use their talents and conquer their weaknesses. She just has different weaknesses than the rest - she is allergic to bees and walnuts, she has terrible asthma, had to have eye surgery, she is quiet and reserved. While we were trying to get everyone else to control their actions and tone down their presence a bit we were pushing Hannah to be bolder. It has worked, and now as she is getting ready to step into the world as an adult and high school graduate (both events happened this week) she has come up with her own saying, "Why Not Be Bold!" She even wears a little leather bracelet with BB printed on it around her wrist to remind herself to step out of the shadows.

Capitalizing on her strengths has been the easier part. Like the rest of our children Hannah is a creative genius. Her amazing imaginative mind swirls with stories, drawings, characters, the perfect shot to set the perfect emotion sailing across the big screen.  In many ways she is a product of her natural talents and the free spirited talents and imagination of her siblings, which they wear so readily on their sleeve, unable to control or contain it. They like her are learning to find the right balance, each benefiting from the others struggle and experiences. And she is finding the boldness, last year it was applying to go to the California
Summer School for the Arts, getting accepted, and spending a month immersed in the amazing creative environment and learning they provide there. It was what gave her the courage to apply and get accepted to Cornish College of the Arts. It is that experience that will give her the courage to leave home in a couple

months, move to another state, and pursue her dreams.

We will not be the same without her here, she is a great part of the balance in our hearts BUT we will love her from here, support her in all the ways we can, and cheer her on her path as we do the rest of our children, each finding their own way, the way they will make a difference in this world.

Hannah, I know I speak for everyone when I say you are perfect for us and while it may not be normal, especially in our house, we love you and are so proud of who you are and who you are becoming.


Interested in other post about Hannah and her life as our only child without ADHD you might like these...

Studebakers and Bullet Trains

Creativity and ADHD Part I

Creativity and ADHD Part II

The Magical Drawing Fairy is Real

* all art work is the copyrighted property of Hannah Aro

"I Did Something" Spreading the Word About ADHD Awareness

When I answered the phone my husband didn't even say hello.  The conversation started with, "I did something."  This is usually is the part of the conversation where I say, "How much did it cost?" But before I could respond he quickly informed me that no money was involved.

See, I had been talking about my plans for upcoming ADHD Awareness Week and he had an idea.  He works at a news station, you can see where this is headed, when he said he did something he meant he had sent out an email to the producers of their local talk show, Central Valley Today, informing them of ADHD Awareness Week and suggesting me as the perfect guest.


Yep, he definitely did something.  Then he back peddled a bit by saying that they might not decide to run a piece on ADHD Awareness, neither of us believed him.  It wasn't long before I got an email asking for information, talking points, and graphics regarding Queen of the Distracted and ADHD.


I want to thank Amanda Jaurigui, Alex Delgado and KSEE 24 for having me on their show Central Valley Today and for taking the time to air this piece on ADHD.  Our ADHD community is scattered around the globe.  Often families and individuals who don't know what kind of support is out there feel isolated and alone.  Every solid news piece, ever accurate article, sympathetic blogpost, and telling tweet allow more of that community to find the support, information, and help that they need.

Warning: Objects in Motion Stay in Motion

We have a way of raising eyebrows and inciting laughter all at the same time.

Our shear numbers can be shocking.  Add to that a bunch ADHD and a lack of inhibition and we are pure entertainment.  It might make some people uncomfortable but for the most part people seem amused.  Sometimes they even laugh or comment on what fun we are obviously having.  That was certainly the case the other night when we met Mark for pizza. 

It all started with the jukebox and some Michael Jackson.  Toe tapping, then shoulders, and then everyone is dancing in their seats, even my husband, Mark.  A little singing along but restrained, well, restrained for our crowd.

On to some classic rock and head banging.

By the time Justin Beiber came on Rachel was singing to Hannah, "Baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby, baby, noooo!" and really getting into it.

Leaving we met one of pleasantly amused types.  The first question is almost always, "Are they all yours?"   Almost always followed by, "It must be a party all the time at your house."

Not always, though we certainly do have a lot of fun.  With so many people and personalities we certainly have lots of moments where someone is upset, angry, sad, tortured, depressed, traumatized.  In fact, some days it seems like I rotate from one drama to the next; but, not this night.


After pizza we were off to the grocery store where I couldn't help but think about the post I made the other day; Parkas in Summer, Shorts in the Winter.  I was remembering those days when they were all small and all held onto the cart.  In some ways life was a bit simpler.  In fact, I think I may have threatened to make them all grab a corner of the cart.


Yep, everyone in this picture at the grocery store is with me!

I wish you could have seen my expression as I looked up to this sight in the freezer section.  I think my head tilted to the side like a confused puppy!  I couldn't help but laugh when Fernie, a permanent fixture in our house and also ADHD,  went and stuck his head into the freezer case.  I was just about to ask what he was looking at when all of the sudden there they were with their heads down in the case.  He pops up, "I was just wondering how many would come and join me." 

It was a crazy fun night.  Truth be told no one was unhappy, no one was so far out of line that they were making the night stressful.  No one was sad or depressed or angry. 

Can you ask for more?

Studebakers and Bullet Trains

It has been an interesting year and a half.  You know that they say you never realize what you have until it’s gone.  This last year and a half we have been deep in pre-production, then production and now post-production of a feature film and Mark has been mostly GONE. Boy have we learned some stuff in his absence.During production everyone got to help. 

It was a family affair as our 3 oldest girls finished school a month early so that they could work as production assistants for their father on the film.  They got to rub elbows with the actors, distress clothes, gather props and wardrobe, dress sets and break down when everything was finished.

Post production is very solitary work; there is just a bunch of editing, re-editing and special effects to attend to.  Consequently, Mark goes from his day job straight to the studio he shares with his brother where he works as long as he can keep his eyes open and then sleeps at the studio.  He is only home on the weekends, with the occasional exception of a birthday or emergency.

As it turns out Mark provides a great deal of balance to the house.  I think it is because, as he puts it, he speaks the native language, the language of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). There are many times where he can understand, comfort and motivate in a way I can’t seem to achieve because he understands, really understands, the way a majority of the members of this house think and operate in their surroundings.

In his absence I am overwhelmed and overloaded.   The kids are struggling to find balance and communicate with me, who has very limited ADHD language skills.  I have really tried over the years to understand the way that Mark and our ADHD kids think, because there really is a difference in the way that we think and process information.  Despite my efforts I do not fluently speak the native language.

Every dark cloud has its silver lining.  We, the kids and I, are forced to better speak each others languages so that we can function, each other’s language. This is the key here and was the topic of much discussion this weekend.  Which resulted in what I thought was an excellent analogy.

Studebaker's and bullet trains, as you probably guessed I am in the Studebaker.  That is where Hannah and I mosey along the road taking in all the detail, enjoying a quiet peaceful ride, enjoying the view in its entirety.  The bullet train is, of course, traveling along with Mark and the 5 ADHD'ers in it at break neck speed.

Mariah argued that there is plenty of detail to be found on the bullet train, there are bug guts all over the windshield that can be seen in great detail.

Mark made the point that a lot of detail is lost because of the sheer speed at which the bullet train travels; comparing Rachel and Hannah and their reading skills.  It was quickly agreed upon that though Hannah and Rachel both read very quickly Rachel would finish a book faster if they started at the same time.  It was also agreed, as pointed out by Rachel, that Hannah would remember and comprehend more because Rachel skims the page and Hannah reads every word.

The problem in our house is that the bullet train keeps cutting off the Studebaker, they run right over us.  Enjoying the fast paced ride they rarely realize the offense, rarely stop to check out the damage, and rarely fix what has been broken.

It was interesting to listen as my husband explained the difference in these terms.  One thought, Hannah and I think that one thought in its entirety, from beginning to end (at least we try to).  One thought for his brain, for Rachel, Mariah, Mary, Hunter and Jaren’s brains is never one thought.  It opens an array, as he put it, in which every possible thought connected with that thought and a few that are not attached are explored in milliseconds.  It is its own conversation.

 Meanwhile, Hannah and I are still on the one thought, we are waiting to have the rest of the conversation and they are already done with it.  Anything we say or add is annoying because they have, mentally, already been there done that.

Their annoyance becomes obvious.

It was enlightening to our ADHD teenagers, especially Mariah who really has thought for years that the world was out to annoy her by telling her things that she already understood.  In fact, she put it just that way...

“You mean they aren’t trying to annoy me... they aren’t insulting my intelligence by continuing to talk about something I already get.”

It was a harsh reality as they started to recognize the side effects of life on the bullet train. 

Ironically, even as they were trying to rectify the situation and slow things down to listen to Hannah they kept interrupting her and then reminding themselves and her that they were going to let her express herself.  She must have restarted her thought about 20 or 30 times.  Fortunately she doesn’t have ADHD; she was able to keep track of what she was saying despite the interruptions.

Over the years I have made considerable effort to understand the way my ADHDers communicate and try…TRY to communicate in a way that they understand.  My husband, likewise, has made great efforts to communicate the way I do.  The result has been very positive for us.

He explained it to our kids like this; there are customs and cultures that come with any of the different languages of the world.  In a sense ADHD and non ADHD are like different languages, we NEED to learn to speak each others languages - each seeking to understand the differences and needs of the other. Learn to respect them, honor them.  That is hard to do while riding on the bullet train but it can be done.

More directly Mark said, “Just because you may already know where the Studebaker is going, it does not mean you have to spoil the ride for those that can't ride on the train without getting nauseous.  There is something of value on both paths and there is always something that can be learned from both means of transportation... it is the fool that is unwilling to consider both as viable and beneficial.  You may prefer one over the other, but if you want a true adventure, try the road less traveled now and then, you may actually learn something.”


Truth be told it takes great effort for those used to the bullet train to slow it down to the pace of the Studebaker.  Certainly it takes equal effort for those of us who like the Studebaker to brave the speeds of the bullet train and try to hang on for the ride.

...In the end we will all be better for it.