That's Just Not Normal

Hannah wrote a picture book last year. A beautiful story about being different. A little kid born into a fabulously famous clown family has no inclination towards the family business, the kid just isn't funny in the way that everyone else in the family is. Throughout the story this little clown finds his own place, his own voice, his own way to be fabulous and still be a wonderful important part of his family. Really it was her story, her experience.

I knew something was different about Hannah when she was an infant - she slept like infants are supposed to sleep, ate like they are supposed to eat, played and grew like they were supposed to play and grow.  From the time she was tiny she would sit on my lap, in the swing, car seat, bouncy chair, and quietly watch her older two sisters in complete amusement.  I used to say that Hannah was so easy she was an argument for having a 4th child.

Later when Rachel had been finally diagnosed with ADHD, then their father, my husband Mark, then younger sister Mary, then Mariah I started to panic and took all the rest of the family in for testing. I was afraid I was going to miss something and have another child struggle needlessly without proper help and intervention. Sure enough there was something different about Hannah, she was the only one of our 6 (biological) children that did NOT have ADHD and all the accompanying co-conditions. It was me and her in a sea of ADHD.

It has been a remarkable difference to watch. One night when we had told everyone to get ready for bed and then meet in the living room for family prayer. Mark and I sat on the couch and chuckled as chaos circled around us. We reminded, then we followed up, then followed up again and again. Jaren was swinging from the bars of the top bunk in between the two beds hooting like a monkey. Mary was still dressed in her day clothes with robes on, holding some kind of stick as a scepter, and a crown wanting someone to give her some proper processional music before she would head to the living room, still not ready for bed.  Older sisters Rachel and Mariah were writing and/or drawing, both insisting that they had to finish getting out the idea before it was lost forever. Hunter had a bike helmet on his back using it for a jet pack, Nerf guns in both hands running in circles with sound effects for both the guns and jet pack.  Hannah was sitting quietly on the
couch with us ready for bed, waiting, watching in complete amusement.

By fourth grade a friend of hers made a remark that, much to Hannah's chagrin, has never gone away.  They were playing on the playground and she turned to Hannah and said, "Hannah, you're perfect and that's just not normal." It stuck! We loved it! and still to this day the we tell it to her all the time. She is certainly perfect to us in so many
wonderful individual ways.

Hannah is the uncontested favorite of everyone in the house. One year, after we had carefully drawn secret Santas for our Christmas gift exchange Hannah came to us privately, she was very upset.  As it turned out everyone of her siblings had come to her separately and confided who their person was and asked advice on what to give them.  She knew everyone's secret santa, which took all the fun out of it. We redrew then and every year after that with strict orders NOT to reveal to ANYONE, especially Hannah, who their person was.

It is easy to confide in her. She is calm and listens intently. She is wise in her advice, trustworthy and loving, and above all patient.  In fact, you know you have really crossed the line when Hannah gets upset because she is so patient. She is an anchor in this house.

People frequently ask how we balance her needs and the many needs of our ADHD kids. I think the answer is the same way we handle our ADHD kids. We treat her individually just like we treat them.  Looking to what she needs. We have treated all of our kids with the philosophy that each of us comes to this earth with strengths and weaknesses and our job as parents is to teach our kids how to strengthen and use their talents and conquer their weaknesses. She just has different weaknesses than the rest - she is allergic to bees and walnuts, she has terrible asthma, had to have eye surgery, she is quiet and reserved. While we were trying to get everyone else to control their actions and tone down their presence a bit we were pushing Hannah to be bolder. It has worked, and now as she is getting ready to step into the world as an adult and high school graduate (both events happened this week) she has come up with her own saying, "Why Not Be Bold!" She even wears a little leather bracelet with BB printed on it around her wrist to remind herself to step out of the shadows.

Capitalizing on her strengths has been the easier part. Like the rest of our children Hannah is a creative genius. Her amazing imaginative mind swirls with stories, drawings, characters, the perfect shot to set the perfect emotion sailing across the big screen.  In many ways she is a product of her natural talents and the free spirited talents and imagination of her siblings, which they wear so readily on their sleeve, unable to control or contain it. They like her are learning to find the right balance, each benefiting from the others struggle and experiences. And she is finding the boldness, last year it was applying to go to the California
Summer School for the Arts, getting accepted, and spending a month immersed in the amazing creative environment and learning they provide there. It was what gave her the courage to apply and get accepted to Cornish College of the Arts. It is that experience that will give her the courage to leave home in a couple

months, move to another state, and pursue her dreams.

We will not be the same without her here, she is a great part of the balance in our hearts BUT we will love her from here, support her in all the ways we can, and cheer her on her path as we do the rest of our children, each finding their own way, the way they will make a difference in this world.

Hannah, I know I speak for everyone when I say you are perfect for us and while it may not be normal, especially in our house, we love you and are so proud of who you are and who you are becoming.


Interested in other post about Hannah and her life as our only child without ADHD you might like these...

Studebakers and Bullet Trains

Creativity and ADHD Part I

Creativity and ADHD Part II

The Magical Drawing Fairy is Real

* all art work is the copyrighted property of Hannah Aro

Do as David Boreanaz Says - NOT as I do

If I thought there was any chance at all that David Boreanaz would actually see it or read it I would send the man a thank you note for his wonderfully insightful commencement address to the students of Ithica College.  He said, what I truly believe, every good parent wants their child to hear, to know, to internalize, and live their life by. He certainly said what I want my children to live by and what I believe in my heart is essential for them to understand as individuals that break the mold of normal, who think differently, who combine limitless energy and creativity with great intelligence in the pursuit of paths that are truly less traveled.

I was introduced to the show Bones not too long ago when my world came to a screeching halt with a long bout of pneumonia. It was my husband and children who encouraged me to watch it. I fell in love with it, in fact it may be the only TV show that I have ever fallen in love with.  Now they tease me because I follow the actors and actresses, the writers, and every bit of news I can find out about it. I became equally interested in the lead actor, David Boreanaz, as I watched interviews etc. because his energy, playfulness, impulsivity, and creativity reminds me of my children. I like finding successful adults who I can see my children's attributes in - it gives me hope that all the work and effort I put into raising mine will one day end well.  I like to see what has contributed to their success and hope to instill those principles into mine while they are still young and learn ways to encourage them as they grow older and struggle in a world that pushes for conformity rather than individuality.

early play

The commencement address given by David Boreanaz is great motivation and direction for young adults and adults; a pep talk before the big game, a reminder of what to seek and how to seek it to get the most out of life. It is also a great playbook of lessons to teach children as they grow up so that those messages are instilled in them from an early age. Whether you have children that are "normal" or kids like mine these messages are important. But when you have kids that march to the beat of their own drum, brake all the molds, and never knew there was even a box to think outside of these messages are critical.

One of the first things Mr Boreanaz laid out in his address was the importance finding your own authentic existence. To me he was saying find and own who you are, at your core. All of us have strengths and weaknesses it is not until we figure them out, until we own them, that we can begin to capitalize on our strengths and conquer our weaknesses.

He says he came by his authentic self through the honest process of play, "I cannot tell you the amount of times I spent and hours and the lives I lived among the gas cans and snow shovels and snow tires playing with those puppets and doing skits with my sisters. I learned early on that playing is so important...remember to play."

still playing

Play comes naturally to our children. In fact, they have played long beyond the age that society says they should and until I was listening to this talk and considering this post I never connected the absolute importance of it.  Next time I am complimented on the creativity, the talent in music and acting, their writing abilities, or what great artist they are and someone asks me how they all ended up so talented I know what to say.  Thank you, they are this way because we have always encouraged them to play.  And when my oldest, who has had such a wrestle with the notion of leaving childhood behind, is frustrated in her search for her path, I will remind her that growing up, when done right, does not mean you can no longer play. In fact, given her talents and desires playing may be the key to her
success.

Play, of course, must be combined with work to add up to progress. And work, the many jobs we hold on the path of life add dimension and experience to who we are.  David Boreanaz talked of the many jobs he held on the path to becoming what he is today and how those jobs worked for him in the end. He spoke of how each of those jobs helped him in his search for his authentic existence.  Some were, "tough...you guys have to work," he advised, "you have to earn it. No one is going to give you anything in this life. You have to earn it."

In a world where everything comes instantly it is hard for this generation to see that between steps A and step Z is a whole alphabet of experience. If we were to skip the experiences we skip all the wonderful stories and character they bring into our lives.


"laughing is essential." says David Boreanaz, "Laugh in your journey, laugh at yourself." I think I might have this one put on a plaque in my living room. Humor is critical to surviving the stresses and trials of life.  It is one thing that has made our family successful and saved us - otherwise the complete amount of chaos in this house would push us all over the mental edge. We have so many contradictory traits clamoring over each other, so much impulsivity, no filters on actions or mouths, people who need quiet and those that want everything loud, emerging social skills (and I use the term loosely) if we could not laugh at our weaknesses we would never have to strength to conquer them.

Get off the couch he advises, "it took an earth quake to get me off that couch." Taking charge of our lives and where we going takes effort and comes with risk and fear. Here, here is where I stumble, personally, and where I got the title for this post.  Mr Boreanaz says, "you see fear is a great motivator. So be uncomfortable, its okay, it gets you off the couch." And where I can say I have worked hard to instill these wonderful messages in my kids, whether I understood there relevance or not. I cannot say that I have been a good example of facing and conquering fear.  While Mr. Boreanaz seems to have a great relationship with fear I fall prey to it. While it is his motivator it is most certainly my captor, I think there might even be some water boarding involved. One of my greatest fears would be that while I tell my kids to take risks and not to let fear stop them they see that my example is just the opposite of my words.

In using the wonderful story Where the Wild Things Are (a family favorite in our house) he comes to a most beautiful conclusion saying, "there are so many malicious beasts at work in the world...the most destructive of all are the monsters born out of our own insecurities, you know them, its the negative messages that we give to ourselves. I can't do this. I'm going to fail. I'm not good enough. Don't listen to them...block them out...you can tame those thoughts. Don't be afraid. Fear blocks faith in yourself. it blocks your ability to love, it blocks out the sun if you let it ... be fearless."

And of course facing your fears brings you full circle to that search for your own self, your own story, the life you build and make and live. He says, "really living is the art of cutting through all the distractions of the day, finding a calm place in your head and your heart and getting to that core of yourself where you are most vulnerable and then own it."

This commencement address seemed perfectly timed.  It seems like for quite a while now we have been in a conversational rut with one of our older children. She tells us how frustrated she is with life and that it isn't progressing towards the end she really wants it to be going.  She points out how all of her friends lives are going places and how they are all doing things. She lists all their accomplishments. She laments that maybe she should take a different path, a more practical path like her friends.  She then sobs, real tears, over the path that she would abandon to be more practical.  I tell her to walk her own path, to recognize that her path
is different and different is good. I tell her to own who she is to not get lost in who other people are or distracted by what they are doing.

And after I listened to this address I said to her, "you HAVE to watch this, this was for you." I wanted her to hear someone else, who has lived a big life, tell her to trust herself, that authentic self that she has tapped into but is afraid to follow and act upon so she can live the big life she knows is inside of her. I wanted her to hear these powerful words that Boreanz spoke, "trust that what you love doing the most is what you're meant to do."  I wanted her to hear, not just listen, but hear him make this simple but beautiful comparison, "the dance floor of life is yours for the taking. Get out there, learn the moves, remember to strap on shoes that fit you, it's very important, not the ones that are perfect for someone else. Your turn on the dance floor, it won't be a minute waltz, more like a dance marathon."

And to her fear and mine he spoke, "You're going to make mistakes. Make them big, make huge mistakes, learn from your mistakes. You're going to get sidetracked, everybody gets sidetracked you might even get cancelled, don't take it personally please just get back out there because you know what, if you make it through season two they just might give you guys a spin off."

ADHD, dyslexia, SPD, dyspraxia, anxiety, OCD, dyscalculia, ODD, ASD depression they are all diagnosis, definitions, and parameters that help me understand the way my children think and how the way they are wired affects their actions.  When I say I wouldn't change those things about them if I could, I mean it.  They are amazing.  They are destined to live big lives and do great things using their unique perspective, their intelligence, creativity, energy, impulsiveness, imagination and more to change the world. Unique creative thinkers require unique and creative parenting. That is my passion, my children. I am certainly a work in progress myself  so for now I will say to my kids, you have to watch this, with the same enthusiasm and excitement  that they told me I had to watch Bones. I will sit them down and say listen to this, this is true and then I will add, "do as David Boreanaz says and I will try to also."

Introducing The Mighty Kubar: Redefining Entertainment

Saying there is a lot of creative energy in our house is like saying there's some corn in the Midwest or cows in Texas, it's a complete and utter understatement.  While other families may have sports or NASCAR we live squarely in the middle of a creative hotspot.  We are constantly looking for ways to channel and use that creative energy in a positive and productive way.

stop-motion with Now & Laters

Why?  It's not just about self preservation.  Okay, admittedly there is an element of self preservation too.  We NEED positive outlets for that extra ADHD/ADD energy.  But, as parents, Mark and I feel strongly that helping our kids find and develop their talents and passions is important to their success as adults.  It becomes even more important when you add ADHD/ADD and it co-occurring conditions into the mix.  We know, from experience, that finding a career that falls within those passions increases the odds of being successful.

the duct tape armor upgrade

We feel so strongly about it that we're willing to walk around the table, camera, and lights that are set up in the middle of the living room to make stop motion movies. We try not to trip over easels, paint jars, and brushes in the kitchen. We laugh as we walk by a ninja scaling the side of the house.  Endure months of frustration from failed attempts at cracking a locked briefcase code (we practically threw a party when he cracked it).  We had no qualms about upgrading cardboard armor to duct tape/ chicken wire armor.  We've even dismissed the nearly constant injuries to the arches of our feet from Legos and toy army men as an acceptable price to pay.

Although at times it may seem hard to see where a healthy obsession may lead in future years as far as careers are concerned we know that it is all part of the process.  Sometimes it's the process of elimination, sorting out the things they thought they would love and found out they didn't.  Sometimes finding a talent that they didn't know they were extraordinary at.  Either way it helps teach them the process of success, setting goals, working hard, overcoming adversity, learning confidence, and resilience.  All of which are very valuable life skills.

Yep, that's my living room

Usually these quests are individual, sometimes a couple of our kids will pair off in the passionate pursuit. This newest endeavor involves our entire family and I tell you we couldn't be more EXCITED about this latest adventure.  So excited we want to share the journey with you.

In our house we have artists, writers, musicians, actors (oh do we have actors, they practice their dramatic skills at home for me, my husband, and their siblings as well as for audiences on the stage). And as a family of film buffs we have worked on both short films and feature film projects from pre-production through production to the completion of post production. It dawned on us that we have, talent wise, everything it takes to write, direct, and produce a web series.  So that is exactly what we've set out to do.

We are excited to introduce The Mighty Kubar.

Kubar is prince and great warrior from another realm. He has been hidden away on Earth by his parents for his own protection from a formidable foe.  They have cleverly placed him where no one will think to look, in the body of a puny high school freshman.  Kubar struggles to accept his new stature and physical limitations as well as trying to function in a world that does not think or act the way he does.  He is quickly befriended by a highly intelligent and eccentric friend, Roswell, who will try and help Kubar come to terms will his own uniqueness.

Roswell and Kubar

People say write what you know.  Well, we know neuro-biological disorders.  You will see in Kubar just what it's like to be completely wired differently than everyone around you.  He will struggle with great intelligence and simple mundane tasks, with sensory issues, with insomnia, social skills, attention, hyper-focus, communication, and more.  My family says the story is written by I.T. Self because it is so easy to turn our real life experiences into Kubar's life that it writes itself.

We are in pre-production right now.  Crazy busy with concept art, story meetings, writing sessions,wardrobe and prop acquisitions, marketing meetings, and scheduling shoots for our first episodes.  We would like to invite you along for the ride.  We're all having a blast.  We will be posting our experiences as we go, as we redefine Family Entertainment.

Follow The Mighty Kubar on twitter @themightykubar and on Facebook at The Mighty Kubar

What passions do you pursue as a family? What passions have your kids found to add balance to their ADHD/ADD or ASD lives?


If you LIKE it, please SHARE it!

What Goes Around - The Return of Morse Code

My in-laws asked for Christmas lists for all the kids, they live out of town and don't get to see the kids that often.  Some lists were reasonable - some, well, not reasonable at all. One daughter asked for one of her favorite musicians for Christmas - grandma asked, "like a doll or poster?" Daughter answered, "No, I want the actual artist." Grandma went with option B, fluffy blue towel.

Some gave totally reasonable list unless you're a grandparent with a limited knowledge of the truly important things in life like Dr. Who.  Then you might end up in the tool department trying to figure out why there is no section for Sonic Screwdrivers. I know they were there and asking because they called from the tool department in Wal-Mart, a little confused and frustrated.

So, when my freshman in high school opened his present from his grandparents to find a light up moon that had a remote control allowing you to change the lighting to show the stages of the lunar cycle I really had no idea what he was going to do with it.  It wasn't Dr. Who related, or Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars, or Transformers.  It had nothing to do with mid-evil armor, or fantasy, or poetry, and writing. It really had nothing to do with any of his obsessions - past or present. He was great though - said he loved it, gave thank yous, hugs, and kisses. 

Later he would tell me he has totally accepted the fact that he's a pack rat/hoarder because he can find a use for anything and everything.  This, he pointed out, makes everything worth keeping. By everything, he means everything, as in every item of clothes he's ever worn, old shoes (one time he told me he couldn't part with his old shoes, they'd been with him every step of the way), every piece of paper from school or play...everything.

It shouldn't have been a surprise to me when he came barreling into the living room the next morning where I was sitting with his grandparents and his little brother.  He flopped the moon down on the floor and announced he had found the perfect place to hang it in there room so they could both see it from their bunk beds.  He then proceeded to ask Jaren if he was ready and started blinking the moon rapidly flashing short and long beams of light.

And there you have it - Morse code comes flying back into our lives.  

Several years ago we read a wonderful series of books as a family called The Mysterious Benedict Society.  Wonderfully unique characters use their various skills and abilities to work together to save their world.  When in dire circumstances they would use Morse Code and a flash light to communicate.  Our house was on a Morse Code kick for months.  Tapping it on tables, flash lighting it to each other, they even sent emails entirely in Morse Code. (- . - - - - . - - - - - . . - - . - . . - - . - - - . - - . - - - . - - . - . - - . Morse Code For, “No! You Can’t Make Me!”)  I have yet to find an obsession in our house that actually goes away and never returns.  If anything they get back burner-ed for awhile only to resurface to center stage for a bit before disappearing for a bit again.

So, here we are 3 or 4 years later, the day after Christmas, the boys went nuts.  They were writing out the messages they wanted to send to each other, passing the moon remote back and forth, laughing and moving in a total ADHD pace of excitement and joy.  My in-laws sat in awe, speechless.  Then after a blur of activity, a Morse code frenzy, my father-in-law blinked a couple of time and asked, "Where did you learning Morse Code?"  Hunter was too busy and completely wrapped up in his own universe.

He blurted, as if the answer was obvious, "Wikipedia."  A couple of minutes went by the he froze mid-sentence and screamed, "BINARY CODE! I have to learn it."  and ran off.

If you LIKE us please SHARE us!

What obsessions take center stage at your house? We'd love to hear from you!

Role of a Parent in the Pursuit of Passion and Talent

I am not a soccer mom, I appreciate them, especially those that have their kids in year round leagues.  I admire their dedication to braving the elements, cut up oranges, Gatorade, and driving.  It's not that I wouldn't ever be a soccer mom it's just that my kids have never leaned towards those kinds of activities. In fact, I did a little time as a volleyball mom and little league mom.  I was almost a track mom, then my daughter came home totally disillusioned, "Did you know that you have to RUN in track?" I did, but apparently she didn't, what a rude awakening that was.

I am an art mom, art, film, acting, music, and almost any creative endeavor mom. I step over painting supplies, pick clay out of carpet, yell at those who would bump the camera, table or lights set up for stop motion.  I sit on set intolerably long periods of time, watch clips as they're edited together, give opinions, and ooh and aah at visual effects.  I read newly written poetry, short stories, and listen to endless ideas for future poetry, short stories, novels, film, and animation ideas.

Last night I caught my 14 year old son as he got out of the shower and told him he needed to remove the mascara raccoon eyes before bed.  That's a conversation that I never expected to have.  He's in his first stage play.  He's done some local commercials and short films but he's never had to wear heavy stage makeup before. 

Our kids, these amazing souls, are in our care as they develop. We, as their parents, have the responsibility of helping them discover who and what they are.  It's an important job, a hard job.  In fact, as parents, we set aside many of our own needs to make sure that we can help our kids develop in a healthy way.  When you have children who are wired differently, alphabet soup kids ADHD, ASD, SPD, ODD, or any of the other many disorders that change the way the brain receives, processes, and reacts to information everything we do as parents becomes more vital.  Helping our kids find and pursue their passions becomes even more critical to their development now and in their future.

Interests, obsessions, passions are not always where their natural talent lies.  Our oldest daughter wanted desperately to sing, over the years we worked out ways to get her vocal lessons.  To almost anyone who heard her sing early on this might have seemed like huge mistake.  As even she will tell you, she was awful, painful even.  But in pursuing a talent she wanted but was not naturally gifted at she learned some very valuable life lessons like dedication, perseverance, work ethic, sacrifice.  Recently, she was talking to one of her siblings about success, she was quick to remind him of how horribly she sang at first, how vital constantly working at what you want to be successful at is, and how it all turned out for her.  She has an amazing voice now and the life skills that she has learned getting that voice are not lost on her.  She understands how to set and achieve a goal.

at home ALWAYS "on"

Encouraging the pursuit of a passion can be hard, especially when dealing with the uniquely wired, because interest almost always equals obsession.  Obsession almost always equals being followed around day and night by a child who is absolutely fixated on one particular subject spouting facts, quoting, rehearsing, singing.  It takes a lot of patience to take in all they may be putting out.  Our now amazing vocalist, for example, sang nothing but Phantom of the Opera for a whole summer, 24/7.  She sang it so much that we weren't sure she actually talked at all that summer.  She sang it so much that her then 4 year old brother went to preschool one day, picked up his teachers hand and broke out into song, "Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye remember me once in a while please promise me, you'll try..."

It is tempting, as parents, focused on our children's future, to think only of whether a skill is going to be useful to them as an adult.  I remember a friend who was horrified by her 7th grade daughters ninja obsession.  She wanted nothing more than to shut it down.  It was an obsession shared by my daughter, her best friend.  According to the other mom I was not nearly horrified enough.  They read on the subject incessantly, they drew ninjas, watched ninja movies, even learned some marshal arts.  I wasn't worried about it, I knew it would pass but when I talked to the other mom she was afraid that if she encouraged it, if she didn't squash it immediately, that it might be all her daughter did with her life.  While it is true that our children, in the pursuit of their passions may stumble on what they may do for the rest of their lives most likely they will just explore many ideas, activities, hobbies, that will be fond memories and life lessons but not career paths,  As I told this mom, I feel safe in saying that neither girl would end up a ninja.  I was right.

In some cases, however, they may find their future.  That's not a bad thing.  Especially for kids with ADHD and other similar disorders, finding a career they are passionate about increases their chance of success as an adult.  The ADHD brain does not do well when it is bored, it does exceptionally well when it is stimulated by something it loves.

I watched my son on stage the other night, his lack of inhibition (fueled by his ADHD) filled the room as did the laughter when his physical comedy stole the show.  I saw him buzz with the exhilaration at the audience reaction.  It was his first stage play, he had never had a live audience to feed his energy before.  I saw his confidence swell.  He found a niche, certainly a passion. 

For kids that fight everyday to remember and process what they are learning in class, to remember to put their name on their papers, to remember to turn in their work, who feel different from their peers, who know they struggle to keep up and to fit in; finding their passion, their talent, their niche provides a critical sense of success and accomplishment.  It gives them a balance to their struggles, an edge, a path to success in the future. 

Will he be the next Jim Carey as the family in front of us proposed?  I don't know and for right now I don't care.  This passion is giving him insight, teaching him skills he will use in everyday life, building confidence, teaching dedication, work ethic, sacrifice, team work, and most importantly opening his eyes to his own possibilities.  We will support him in the pursuit of anything that teaches those lessons, brings him to that sort of positive place.

And at the end of the night we will laugh when his 4 older sisters try and help him get the mascara off while lecturing him on his new found appreciation for all that girls do to look beautiful.

* special thanks to my kids for collecting all the art and writing stuff in the picture and to Mary for taking it for me

Vacuum Tube Transportation and Other Strokes of Genius

I have to admit, the older the kids get, the more responsible they are for getting their own medication in the morning, the harder time I have managing when they are getting close to running out.  Then, I'm in a rush to call the doctor's office for refill prescriptions, get them to pharmacy, and get refills before they run out.  So, more and more I end up in the drive through line at the pharmacy with one or more of my kids.  They're there because they are completely unmedicated.  Best bet is to take them with me.

Interestingly enough, my 13 year old son was talking about the experience of being unmedicated as we were on our way to pick up the medication.  He said he kind of enjoys being with out medication at first - there's a sort of freedom to his thoughts.  He indicated that at first that is a fun feeling - ideas bouncing around in his brain like a hand full of bouncy balls that have been thrown down really hard on the ground.  A sense that he's carried by his brain - having no control over where it will take him.


But, he added quickly, there's a relief when he takes his meds.  A sense that control is on the way, that soon he'll be able to manage the thoughts running through his mind.  He'll at least have some control over what he thinks about and where it will take him.  What an odd paradox - the freedom feels good but uncontrollable and therefore a little scary.  The control from the medication feels safe but somewhat restrictive.

We were still very much in the "freedom of thought" state when we pulled up to the pharmacy's drive through lane - the one with the vacuum tube that sucks your payment and paper prescriptions up a tube and deposits them in the pharmacy and then sends the medications back the same way.  I thought my boys were going to have an aneurism they were so excited.

They wanted to jump out of the car and into the tube themselves. They wanted to take it apart.  They wanted to know all about how it worked.  They wanted to make a super large one that ran from our house to their father's work and stick him in it every morning to send him off.  Dad's 6 foot 3 - he is a big guy.  This was an amazing visual that they could not resist.  Can you imagine, they mused, somebody's standing at work and wooosh, "Hey, it's Mark.  Mark's here!"  The sound effects and scenarios filled the car.

But what if he got stuck?  Easy, all they needed was a gigantic plunger or maybe a bunch of gigantic plungers.  A hatch would open, the gigantic plunging system would fall into place and plunge until daddy was successfully dislodged and sailing through the vacuum tube once more.  I was slightly disturbed - they were in heaven.

My next stop was to take my husband his lunch and medication, since he is equally as bad at telling me when he's close to out of meds, great at telling me when he has taken his last day.  As he walked up to meet us at the car the boys couldn't contain their excitement - they were talking over each other explaining design and functionality of vacuum tube travel.  The sound effects were flying like bullets in a war zone.

What did Mark have to say about all this, "Hmmm, what if you got positioned in the tube wrong.  You could get a really horrible wedgie."  Well, that was an unexpected answer.  The boys loved it.  Jaren pointed out that they were not going to stick him in the tube directly - he would be in a pod of sorts, sailing through the tube underground.  No atomic vacuum tube wedgies.  Mark was not happy about traveling underground.  He was totally up for vacuum tube travel as long as he could be up high, have a sense he was flying, and a great view. 

I passed out the meds and bottled water.

It was time for a little thought management.  Freedom of thought is not bad thing.  Most of the time it's amusing and certainly adds a lot of humor into our lives.  I am sure that many of the world's greatest creations have come from moments just like ours when one thought sparked another until something totally new and revolutionary came to mind and then into existence.

One thing that all of my ADHD/ADDers have pointed out is that medication does not take away their creativity and, believe me, they are an intensely creative group.  The minds in our house are full of art to draw, music to compose, inventions to build, films to make, and novels to write.  Medication allows them to aim their creativity, to follow through with their thoughts.  It allows them to take a concept, have the wherewithal  to take out of their mind, and create it in the real world.  Not without struggle, but it opens up the potential and makes success plausable.

This same son, Hunter, who was talking about his love hate relationship with medication pointed out that one of the hardest aspects of ADHD and its co-occurring conditions is to have such great thoughts.  So many thoughts that completing any of them is a struggle.  One great thought knocks the other out of the spot light, then that one is knocked by another in never ending bombardment of great ideas. The medication gives him the concentration and focus to further that cascade of brilliance and carefully direct it towards a fabulous end.

Does that mean that those that can't take medication or choose to not take medication are doomed.  No.  We have a daughter who has recently gone off stimulants.  They aggravated her anxiety, impulsiveness, and some other ADHD qualities to that point where what she gained in focus was nothing compared to what she lost to these other symptoms.  She would be the first to tell you how hard it has become to direct those brilliant creative thoughts into tangible completed work.  She's having to master her brain without the benefit of a stimulant and it is exhausting.  It easily one hundred times as hard, but, definitely doable.  Especially, since she is aware of the battle that's raging.  Trust me when I say she has a lot of, "lost the battle but will still win the war" days.

We are still laughing about my big husband, Mark, sailing through the vacuum transportation tube with a wedgie, on his way to work, hoping to avoid getting stuck in the tube, and having to be plunged to continue on his way.  We will be for a long time.  It's not likely that this particular idea is going to be the one we see to completion - I'm not so sure it should be.  But there are many more where that came from, in my house and in houses around the world where these brilliant brains reside.

These are the brains that given the right support, encouragement, and tools will change the world.  They will change the way we see it, feel about it, and interact with it.  The trick for us as parents, teachers, and caretakers of this unlimited amazing potential is to remember the possibilities, continue to encourage, and direct even when we are exhausted from being up all night because that child has insomnia. Even when your teenage daughter is torturing the cub scouts because she's frustrated and over stimulated.  Even when your brilliant child is in danger of failing because they haven't turned in one homework assignment all semester and no one told you until it was almost too late to fix.


The trick is to remember and hold onto the knowledge that they are brilliant because of their unique BRAINS not in spite of them.

A One Man Circus, an Assistant, and a Magician

We often discuss whether something that has happened in the house is blog worthy.  Mark, my husband, gave me a standard to follow the other day.  He said, "if you laugh so hard that you cry, it is definitely blog worthy."  He said that as he was laughing and crying about the very stories you're about to read.

Jaren is 10 years old now.  It seems impossible because I swear he was just a preemie in the NICU a couple days ago and preschooler yesterday.  In preschool Jaren decided that we had completely misnamed him.  He wanted to know why on earth we had named him Jaren when XO Aro was available and a much better name for a spy.  He took it very seriously.  He insisted on being called XO Aro and signed all of his papers by the same name. This while writing everything in perfect mirror image.

I really consider this intense imagination and thought process our first signs of his ADD/ADHD.  XO was part of a long string of characters which included Fasty Walks Through Walls.  He would run as fast as he could in circles, then stop and say, "Was I fast?  Did I make your hair flip up?"  At about 3 years old he announced we could call him Peter Parker because the spider bite transformation was complete.  Then there was The Phantom of the Opera, he grabbed his preschool teachers hand and started singing her songs from the musical at recess one day.

While eventually he gave up on being renamed XO Aro, he has never left behind his complete obsession with spies and spy gear.

This Christmas we gave him a present that I don't think we will ever be able to top.  It was not super expensive but it was perfect for him.  We created a spy case for him.  We got a little silver briefcase, filled it with black foam, and made cut outs for all kinds of tools.  There is a mag-light with a belt carrier, a light that straps to your head that can be a regular or red light, there are rubber ninja throwing stars, and a multi-tool with a tiny flashlight, among other things.  There was even room to add some items he already had, like a Swiss Army type knife. 

This case has been carried nearly everywhere since Christmas morning. He uses it constantly, and shows it to everyone that will look at it.

Yesterday, Jaren came into the living room waving a multi-tool in one hand and the Swiss Army knife in the other.  He was a little hesitant but he asked his big brother, Hunter, if he wanted to play.  I would guess that nothing could have prepared him for his sister's reaction.  Mary screamed in horror, "No!  Are you stupid?  Mom will be really pissed if she finds out you were knife fighting during break!"

Uh, for the record, mom will be,"really pissed" if she finds out you were knife fighting at anytime, not just during break. Mom also doesn't like it when you use words like "stupid" and "pissed".  Though I do understand that they were used as excited utterances in this case.

Even though she was only a few feet away, she had completely missed the part of the conversation where Jaren said that he wanted to use the multi-tools as Transformers in a pretend game.  She saw the knives and assumed that she knew what the boys were up to.  She was sure that Jaren was asking Hunter if he wanted to have a knife fight with him.

Typical ADHD moment in our house.  Typical that the boys would look at a multi-tool or Swiss Army knife and see a Transformer and want to play a game with them.  Typical that people would not be completely engaged in the conversation, only catching part of the information.  Typical that they would jump to a conclusions, based on the partial information.  Certainly typical that they would react without getting the details first.

This all happened on a day when Hunter was trying to come up with some good entertainment for my anniversary evening, especially since Mark was not going to be home (see post: 20 Years Ago Today).  He decided he was going to put on a juggling act.  This was no small task since he has never juggled before.  Onto the internet for quick reference juggling lessons.  He would create, as he called it, "A one man circus."  He had already recruited Jaren to be his assistant.

The balls were flying in multiple directions all around the living room.  The dog, who is more than obsessed with tennis balls, was trying to grab them midair.  Mariah had a very valid question, "How can you call it a one man circus if you have an assistant?"  Hunter was quick to point out that it was really a one man circus, with an assistant, and a magician.  He had recruited Mary who was now madly looking up card tricks.

Silly Mariah, she didn't understand the impact of a name.  Hunter explained, "A one man circus, with an assistant, and a magician sounds much better than a three man circus."   This was proclaimed while practicing the grand finale.  He was trying to juggle while standing on his little brother's back, who was on all fours trying to turn around in a circle.

I don't know, most days I might name it my very own a three ring circus. Definitely entertaining.

* As a side note -- they never actually put on the circus they had practiced in front of me on and off all day -- they got distracted.

Imagine That

Rachel was about 10 or 11 years old, she came screaming  down the stairs in a full panic.  It scared the living daylights out of me - I was sure that someone was badly injured.

When I finally got her calmed down enough to speak, the story came pouring out.  They had made a make believe pool in their bedroom with blankets on the floor.  Rachel was freaked out, Mary wouldn't listen to her - Mary was about 4 or 5years old at the time. 

This was not a new problem.  For some unknown reason, Mary, since she could communicate, had insisted that she was the oldest child in the house.  You can imagine how well this went over.  Rachel had the position, all the pressure, and responsibility but no amount of convincing could change Mary's mind - she was the oldest.

Gasping as she was crying Rachel explained, "Mary is swimming in the deep end of the pool.  SHE'S TOO YOUNG!  SHE CAN"T SWIM IN THE DEEP END - SHE'S GOING TO DROWN!"

Drown...in the imaginary pool?

Rachel was not sure how to take my relief - to her the possibility of real injury was as real as the pool was in her imagination.  I explained that life was pretty unfair if you couldn't swim in the deep end of the imaginary pool regardless of your age or skill level.  It took some convincing, but, we moved on.

Imagination has never been in short supply at our house.  In fact, imagination has been and is still central in our home.  It is another character trait that seems altered and heightened by ADHD.  This post could probably have been Creativity and ADHD Part III.  The imaginary world has such a  powerful presence in the lives of our children that is sometimes it trumps or replaces reality.

Rachel's imaginary friend, Da Da, was so real that when it was time for her to go Rachel announced that she had moved to Detroit.  At the time I had no idea she even was aware of a city called Detroit.  Young Mariah, who is very creative but much more left brained than her sister, ended up in front of her dad one night with a very serious question, "I don't understand, where do I get an imaginary friend?"

I suppose she figured it out as she has become quite the comedian, her imitations and accents combined with her make believe conversations leave us in tears from laughter.  They became the outlet for her imagination.  Somewhere along the line she figured out that imaginary friends were created not found.

When Rachel was in kindergarten her classmates would line up for a part in the plays that she put on during recess.  Her plots and back stories were extensive and detailed.  As she grew up she exerted her rank as oldest to enlist her siblings in her plots.  She even made them sign contracts to attend practices and perform.

Her siblings were her living imagination -  the actors on her stage.  Whether it was kings and queens or a superhero luncheons they were, for the most part, willing participants. Mariah might disagree since she spent much of her younger years as the prince, "Hand Lewis" (really Han Solo), or whatever other male character that Rachel dreamed up before the brothers were old enough to participate.

Is it wrong that Mary answered to Chewy or Chewbacca from she was 2 to about 5 years old?  That was always her role in the Star Wars plays.

As Rachel grew older her stage changed from the living room and backyard to a sketch book and computer screen. 

Now her imagination comes to life through the characters in her stories and drawings.  They have likes and dislikes, pasts, issues, hobbies, Facebook pages.  We had to have a "talk" when one of her friends was unknowingly flirting with a fictional character online.

It all rubbed off.

Sometimes, I wonder what the neighbors think.  What would you think if you drove by and a little ninja was scaling a pillar on someones front porch?  Or you looked out your window to see your new neighbors running around with painted hand prints on their faces like Orcs from The Lord of the Rings peering around the corners of the house.  Sometimes the kids remind me of the grandfather in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, dressed up in whatever appropriate garb and headed out to whatever imaginary world awaits beyond the front door.

Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't change it.  Even when that wild imagination becomes a lot to manage -- and it does, even when I am tired and worn out; I would rather have that floating around my house than so many of the alternatives.  In fact, so many times when I am at the end of my rope or I've slipped off, it is that imagination that makes me laugh and puts life back in perspective.  It is wonderful, especially in a world where those simple parts of childhood seem to be slipping away.

Heaven knows the realities of this world take over soon enough.