From Making the Grade to Making the Adjustment to Summer

NO books ~ ALL papers

Summer time ~ In so many ways the end of school is a huge relief. No more racing, pushing, begging, pleading, bargaining to get kids out the door and to school. No more stressing over homework to be done, doing it, or the last and oh so critical step of turning it in which seems to be the hardest sometimes. No more worrying about missed days and make up work or late assignments, social issues with friends or lack of friends to have social issues with. No more banging your head on the nearest hard surface when the school's number pops up on your phone because you know that your over dramatic, anxiety ridden child is once again in the nurses office.

But summer isn't always the get out of jail free card that we would hope it would be.  Summer can bring its own set of issues - change in routines, change in social situations, change in mental stimulus all can lead to their own kind of stress and trouble taking some of the joy and relaxation out of this much awaited vacation time.

We by no means have mastered the ADHD summer but over the years we have come up with some great
ways to cope and counter a lot of the draw backs to summer - I thought I would share some here.


Routine - I have found that my ADHD kids have a strange sort of love hate relationship with routine. I used to think that they hated it altogether. As my continued push towards staying on a routine met their innate ability to forget that we had one at all I was sure that they were routine resistant. I took as evidence their looks of utter surprise when I would remind them what they were doing and what came next, as if we didn't do the same thing everyday.  I used to think that until I changed the morning routine and everyone fell apart, they got mad at me. They were correcting me, telling me what was supposed to be next, and then fell apart at the thought that I had changed it.  I was stunned.


We start our morning the same regardless of where we are, what time of year it is, whether its a holiday, school day or vacation day.  It has added a lot of stability to our house. Your routine may be different - I don't think it is what you do or the order you do it that matters, rather it is the fact that you consistently do the same things in the same order. The fact that it never changes acts like an anchor emotionally giving each day common ground to start off on.  In our house the kids, of all ages, get up, take meds, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, and ready to start the day. 

Structure - we add in some structure to our days not necessarily the same as routine because they aren't as scheduled. But my kids know that during the summer days they are most likely going to do chores in the morning, they will have some time on the computer, they will have time to be creative, to play, to read, and probably watch a show.  These activities aren't scheduled for the most part but they happen regularly almost every day of summer.

Boredom can be the start of much trouble as that brilliant ADHD mind seeks for stimulus to satisfy itself. One thing I have done with my kids is have them make lists of things they like to do, things they find relaxing or fun, stimulating and satisfying, things that won't get them in trouble. When they have some down time and are starting to feel the itch of boredom they can refer to the list for ideas.We use summer to catch up on the things that there is little time for during the school year. Summer is a time we choose to feed our kids creativity with their imaginations we really don't accept the, "I'm Bored," complaint from any of them.  From the time they were little they have known that if they come to me and say I am bored I will give them some ideas of things I know they would enjoy, but if they complain my answer will most likely include a chore - they rarely complain to me that they are bored.

Fun activities or outings - Included in your structure can be small trips or activities you do regularly during the summer. Trips to the park, to the zoo, to visit with friends and family, or book store story times. Even the library, which, for us, is finally not an exercise in late fees, lost books and the fear of landing on the library's most wanted list for us. Knowing that one or two of these activities are going to happen during the week gives something to look forward to and is a great bargaining chip to get chores and other mind numbing activities done.

If plans change - heaven forbid - give as much warning as possible and try to replace it with another activity like reading a story together, playing a game together, something to ease the blow.  ADHD kids have a very hard time when plans change - they set these activities in their minds as markers for the day or week, they become pillars on which they build a sense of stability when those things change its like pulling the foundation out from under them. In offering an alternative activity in a sense you are shoring up their foundation, keeping the world stable. Being understanding to the their experience is the first step in handling it patiently and patience allows you to use the moment to teach. We often tell our kids that we understand what they are feeling, but life is about things changing so it is important to develop strategies to cope with change. Change, ironically is a constant in life.

Maintaining and Building Skills - One of my favorite books is The Out of Sync Child has Fun. It

is packed with fun activities that build skills, focusing on Sensory Processing Disorders. Probably as much as the book helped me better understand what my children may be experiencing and provided so many fun activities to help; it also opened my mind to the idea of making learning new skills fun and exciting.  I am already writing a more in depth post on different fun ways we have found over the years to build and maintain skills during the summer, but here is one example that is happening right now in our house.

One of our daughters, so far this summer, has been working on making and applying latex wounds and special effects make up (decided to leave out the picture of my daughter's gross fake gaping neck wound - though if you want you can see it if you look at the pictures on my twitter @ADHDqueen) as well as sculpting. This is a great example of an activity that  crosses over and serve as both fun and help build or maintain skills.  She has dysgraphia and the use of fine motor skills required to sculpt keeps her hands strong. If you are creative you can find lots of ways to build and maintain skills that don't seem like work.

Social Opportunities - We are kind of our own flash mob.  With so many kids in the house much of our

social skills training comes just from interacting with each other. Though we still try to maintain relationships that have been built during the school year. Having friends over is a great way to do this. Just like I have my kids make lists of what they might want to do and explore during the summer when they have a friend coming over I ask them to come up with some activities that they plan on doing. Having some plans lessens the likelihood of awkward times with friends. We go over the ground rules and social rules before the friend comes over so that they remember things like paying attention to their guests feelings and needs, compromising, and make clear parameters like what time things are beginning and ending. While knowing there is a time that things are going to wind down doesn't prevent them for asking for more time I can always remind them that we agreed ahead of time when things would end.  I try to always give transition time, warnings that social time is going to end so it doesn't end abruptly setting off a meltdown.

We had whirlwind of activity to wrap up the school year with multiple awards assemblies, class parties, and one of our daughters turning 18 and graduating all in the same week. The backpacks are sitting right where they were left on the last day of school. The stress of grades is over. The California High School Exit Exam has been passed (both math and reading). The report cards came in the mail. There are no after school clubs, play practices, or homework. Thank Goodness, everyone has welcomed the shift in activity from over scheduled and pressurized to the calmer more even pace of summer. I for one am not missing the near daily calls from the school nurse. Though I have appreciated her patience and help, I really don't want to know her as well as I do. So far it has been the best transition to summer we have ever had.  One thing that is for certain in an ADHD household is that nothing is for certain - we'll see what tomorrow bring - heaven knows the tide can turn at any moment.

You've Come a Long Way, Baby - Happy 16th

Oh Mary,

I can't believe that you turned 16 years old today.  My mind is filled with snapshots of all we've been through together.  You have been my greatest adventure, sometimes my greatest trial, always my greatest joy, and watching you continue to overcome the trials you've faced fills me with more pride than you will ever know.



You have taught me so much about parenting and life. How else would I know how to get royal blue fabric paint out of cream carpet. How to identify the sounds and smells of danger from across the house. How to listen to that mother's voice within just in time to catch a child who has decided to make a tightrope out of a bathrobe tie and traverse the distance from the crib to the bunk beds. How to unlock almost any door in record speed to stop you before you got into too much trouble.

You may be the most fearless person I know!

You taught me that while I may be a fearful person at heart, content to hide and operate in my little circle, there are things in this world worth fighting for. You, my dear, are one of them.You, facing your struggles, awoke the mother bear in me. Pushed me to be better, more dedicated, more courageous, persevere, fight both for you and for me.

Without you I would never know the power of a plastic pair of preschool scissors and that they could cut dollar bills into tiny strips or perfect squares out of metal mini blinds. For that matter I would never understand the value of your fierce independence.  Independence that made a little girl "problem solve" by taking those same scissors and cutting a huge strip of hair right off the top of your head to remove a comb that was stuck in it, giving yourself a reverse Mohawk.

I can see now that you needed that fierce independence. I can see now how that quality has served you in facing the litany of learning disabilities that you have had to face. I can see now how it helped you and continues to help you conquer them.

When we were doing the test shots for The Mighty Kubar and you were working the slate, you wrote the 5 backwards - I thought it was so funny when you started talking about all you dys-es.  As if it wasn't enough to have severe ADHD you came with your own special package.  Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, auditory processing, sensory processing, motor processing, wow, what a list and you only see out of one eye. How does this all fit together? It all fits together in you. You are so much more than your disabilities, though I know that sometimes it seems like the struggle to push past them is the only thing you can see.

I almost hugged the school psychologist that did your last set of IEP evaluations.  Why? Because she saw a fraction of what I see.  She started by saying, "Mary is really intelligent, so intelligent that she has come up with incredible measures to compensate for her disorders."  That my dear is the truth.  So intelligent.  More intelligent than you may ever realize despite our repeated efforts to drill it into your head.  But what you have is more than intelligence. Your fierce determination and perseverance, your fixation or obsessions, whatever you want to label it, pushes you. Your intelligence combined with your determination, perseverance, dedication, fueled by that fierce independence makes you nearly unstoppable.

That fierceness has driven you from a place where you couldn't read to a place where you read all the time. You write, draw, paint, film, act, invent, create, dream, anything you want to do, you set your sights on and do it. No learning disability has ever stopped you from pursuing what you want. I love that about you.  I admire that about you.  And when people see you doing all the things your peers do with ease I wish they knew what it took, the monumental effort you make, the hours of speech and OT, and work that you have put into doing what others do with ease. The fact that they don't think twice about it is a compliment to you. You make it look easy, natural, like a skilled ice skater or gymnast who makes it look easy, but has put hours of effort into their skill.


I know some days you wish you were "normal" that all the aspects of life and social skills came easily. We've talked about it. Mary, normal is overrated. You are so much more than normal could ever hope to be. At the end of the day you have a foundation of qualities that will push you past what normal could ever hope or dream of achieving.  I know it because I have seen it in your strong, determined, beautiful blue eyes.

Happy 16th  Birthday!

You've come a long way, Baby! I look forward to the adventure ahead, to watch and enjoy all the places you go, all the dreams you'll reach for, all the goals you'll achieve.

Love,

Mum

Moved! Just in Time to Start School

Our summer has been BING! BANG! BOOM!  We packed, we moved, we registered for school and this week everyone started back to school.  I am not sure I have ever been so ready (not prepared, just ready) for school to start.  I don't want the hassle and anxiety of school; but, I am welcoming the end of our chaotic and nerve wracking summer.

doing school at the desk

This week was a barrage of first days of school and registering.  My two that are still home schooling started on Monday after the longest registration process ever (considering they are returning students).  It was a scene from an ADHD horror film.  It was the longest line ever to meet the teacher and sign paperwork.

doing school under the desk

Our teacher was ever too polite and chatty with each parent and student as the line of people waiting for her grew and grew.  Hunter, very ADHD, stood next to me beating his head on my shoulder repeatedly.  He insisted on reminding me, just about ever 30 seconds,  that he hates waiting in line and that he can't handle the noise.  In the end, our teacher and our line were the only ones left in the room. 

Tuesday my oldest two daughters started community college.   As luck would have it our daughter, who has been waiting for college since kindergarten, showed up for her first class only to find the door locked and the classroom dark.  Apparently, the teacher quit the day before classes started.  Neither of our daughters drive yet so they are at our mercy to be dropped off and picked up.  This left Mariah stuck at the school for hours until her next class, distraught that she had yet to experience a college class, and bored. Not necessarily a good combination for any person with ADHD.

She handled every conceivable piece of business she could think of, walked 2.8 billion times around the campus (according to her facebook post), she discovered the computer lab, and then I started seeing posts like this...


"Welcome to my elevator. Stop. Who would enter the Elevator of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. What is your name? What is your quest? What is the capital of Assyria?"

and...

"LOVE the music video for Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin, makes me wish I was there. *sighs* nope I'm just here, trollin' in the college computer lab....*face slams of keyboard* *sobs into keyboard* I'M SO LAME!!!! D: WHY????  STOP SPEAKING VERY LOUDLY INTO YOUR CELLPHONE SHORT HAIRY MAN CAN'T YOU SEE I'M SOBBING INTO MY KEYBOARD?!?!?!"

Wednesday Fernie started school.  New district, new programs, new stress.  Fernie came late to our family is and playing catch up educationally.  It has placed him in the very different environment of alternative education.  After a day in this super small class with very creative teachers he said to me that if he could have had this learning environment earlier maybe he would not be so behind in credits. SO true.  

No one should not have to drown before they're thrown a life preserver and yet so many of our school function on this premise. Teachers frustrated that they can't meet all the needs all the time.  Parents frustrated that they can't get the help they need.  Districts frustrated by low budgets and big needs.  All equals up to no programs for smart kids who do not learn well in a traditional environment.  

Hannah, Fernie, and Mary

Thursday my two younger daughters started at the regular high school.  Excited but scary.  They have all been doing home school or online classes for the last 4 years so re-entering a brick and mortar school is bound to be a big adjustment.  To top it off my youngest daughter, Mary, is the child in the family with the most disabilities.  She was joking about how there was not enough room on the form to list them all.


It took me back to elementary school when I would catch the teacher to give her a heads up.  "Mary has ADHD, extreme ADHD, like I swear she has taken her meds and there really is a huge difference but you will probably think she forgot to take them this morning....and she has dyspraxia, I know that is a strange term check out dyslexia and dyscalculia and dysgraphia, she has them all...and a sensory processing disorder and a language processing disorder and a speech problem with stems from the dyspraxia (her motor processing disorder) and she only sees out of one eye. Have a good day!"


It is hard for me to trust the schools with her.  She has been home schooling for he last 4 years and I worry about her in a traditional school setting.  But this is a small school and she really wants to give it a try.  Her counselor boosted my confidence when he told me that he used to teach special ed and really understands learning differences.  Then to top it off when we laid the whole eye thing at his feet he immediately guessed which eye was her strong eye.  He's good.  


And so we are all off and running in our different directions.  It feels like it is going to be a good year!  

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Well time did not come to a screeching halt.  We were on the eve of Rachel’s most dreaded 18^th birthday and last night she said family prayer,  in it she slipped in a little personal request, “God if thou will please stop time for me.” 

Thinking about our oldest becoming a legal adult started me thinking about her life.  As the oldest there is no doubt she is the child we learned on, our guinea pig in parenting.  That is especially true when it comes to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) as she was the first diagnosed.

There is no good way to put into words Rachel’s brilliance or her struggles educationally.  She was about two years old when she drew the boy next door playing basketball.  There was a face, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, hair, body, with circles for all the major joints, feet, hands, and a basketball.  Developmentally that is astounding. 

But as she started school there was no end to her struggles.  She wrote her letters perfectly, but they were just art to her.  Perfectly formed but they had no meaning and she could not recall what they stood for or what sound was associated with then to save her life. 

As we worked and worked with her and she started progressing she was plagued by a younger sister who would blurt out the word she was agonizingly trying to sound out.  It was a never ending battle that raged in our house daily after school for hours on end.  Despite the years spent struggling, reading and math were like foreign languages to her and no matter how hard we tried or how many ways we tried she could not break the code.

I remember Mark and I many times trying to convince Rachel that she was smart, but one time in particular really sticks out and stings.  As Mark and I told her how smart she was and she argued back. She stopped the conversation, pulled out a spelling pretest with a big red F on it and said,

“See I am not smart... I am a failure.”

Our highly intelligent, amazingly artistic 8 year old could not be swayed.  To her core she felt she was a failure. It didn’t matter at that point what we said she wasn’t buying.  She had all the proof she needed. 

One of my biggest regrets has to be not seeking help for Rachel earlier. 

It was sixth grade before we would get her help.  Before she would get the help she needed.  The help she deserved.  I took her to a trusted friend and pediatrician and she was on medication the next day.  People have all kinds of things to say about medication, good and bad.  There are experts and studies to support whatever position that you want to hold onto.

There was, however, no greater proof for me than her excitement the next day as she greeted me at the school with the news that she had gotten a 90% on a math benchmark test. She had never ever passed a math benchmark test before. Never.

I have said before that medication takes you most of the way but is not a cure all.  Rachel didn’t ace every test or assignment placed in her path since she started medication but she was drowning before and it gave her the power to swim. 

Our last self esteem/intelligence talk was only a few months ago.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to matter how many successes she has had since she started medication, and she has had many, she still battles that rough start, she can’t get that big fat red F out of her mind.

I can’t help but contrast that with our youngest son Jaren who started medication in kindergarten. Of course by then we knew what to look for.  When he started kindergarten I told his teacher that we suspected ADHD, filled her ear with the family history.  I told her we were watching to see when, not if, to put him on medication.  She clearly thought I was crazy and assured me that I was over reactive.

It wasn’t three months into school when she grabbed me after class and indicated that Jaren was, “not available to learn.”  Jaren started meds with in a month or two.  Jaren has never doubted his intelligence or his ability to learn.  Largely because he has had the benefit of everything we learned from parenting Rachel.

He is not scarred by those years of frustration, the hours of work to get one assignment done, the supplemental programs, summer long work to retain,  not to mention seeing and feeling the difference between him and his peers that Rachel had before we got her help.

Mark always says, “IF ONLY will kill you.” That you have to live by phrase “NEXT TIME” and that is true.  Rachel has made it and we have worked one day, month, year at a time to better meet her needs.  Despite her own doubts she is a good solid student and an amazingly creative and talented young woman.

But if I knew then what I know now I would not wait to get help, I would pursue it with a vengeance that would make any mother bear proud.  I would go to my pediatrician, if I was not satisfied with the answers I got I would seek a second opinion. I would not wait to do all the research and reading that I did after I was given her diagnosis. 

I would not be afraid of any diagnosis because now I know the power of knowing, accepting and doing.  Today I would encourage anyone facing the same road as our family to do the same.