Don't Give Up: Hope and Work Will Pay Off For Your ADHD Child

My husband and three of our six children had already been diagnosed with ADHD when my son's First Grade teacher chased me down after school. She was quick to point out that he would surely need to be held back. He couldn't write legibly at all, couldn't remember his alphabet, much less read. I told her to just give it a little more time. We were positive he had ADHD and were just waiting for our doctors appointment to confirm it and start him on medication.

He had the appointment, he started medication and he was reading at a sixth grade level by the end of the first grade. But, there were still lots of inexplicable academic behaviors. While his ideas were grand he couldn't put them on paper. His writing was completely illegible. He would write half way across the page with his left hand then switch to his right to finish off a line. He often started writing a word in the middle and added to both ends. He worked all math problems in his head and wrote them out on the math sheet left to right. At one point his Third Grade teacher told me he does his best writing when he has two sheets of paper and is writing the same thing with both hands at the same time. The very thought ties my brain in knots.

Time went on and his writing was still painfully minimalistic. Anytime an assignment required writing we'd both fall apart from the anxiety and frustration. It would take hours and in the end he might have a sentence or two. He was nowhere near writing a paragraph at the appropriate age and an essay was completely out of the question.

It all sounds pretty dismal doesn't it? It certainly felt that way.

One thing I've learned and wish I could instill in every parent with a child that struggles is a solid belief that the efforts that you put into today will pay off in the long run.


When my son stopped me in the middle of the hall and frantically demanded I listen to something he'd just written I listened in awe. What he once struggled with he is well on his way to mastering. As he read me what he had just written all the different remediation we tried over the years, all the frustrations, all the pushing, even tears, came flying back to my memory.

I couldn't help but remember all the uncertainty that I felt wondering if I was doing the right thing for him. Whether it's dealing with learning disabilities or ADHD or anxiety and depression, OCD or any of the many other disorders out there we parents wonder and worry that we are making the right choices for our kids.

What I've realized, having finally gotten farther down the parenting road, is that all that worry and work pays off. That first grader that couldn't remember his alphabet, the second grader whose writing was illegible, that third grader writing with both hands at the same time, as a 15 year old wrote this.

"Fire, an element of nature that can be seen on two spectrums. When controlled fire is a provider of warmth, light, and comfort. To a weary traveler fire can signify a warm meal and a comfy bed. Although fire is beautiful it is also deadly. When uncontrolled fire becomes a source of fear and despair. He becomes the almighty devourer consuming and destroying all things within his path. All fire does is hate and kill. He feigns the sense of comfort and the feeling of a warm embrace. He pretends to care and once close enough he strikes out his hand savoring the sound of every scream, the smell of every burn. He feeds off the pain and suffering that his fiery hatred causes all humanity."

Now he writes stories, this is for a new story he's working on. Back then he could barely get out a sentence or two. What made the difference? Hard persistent work over a long period of time. As well as some unconventional tactics to help him unwind what was already in his head.

We started by getting him on the computer using a writing program instead of having to hand write out assignments. The more he was on the computer the faster he typed the better tool it became.

He was still having a hard time organizing thoughts into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. With lots of older siblings Power Points had become a huge thing in our house. One day out of sheer desperation I told him to use Power Point to write a paragraph he needed written for school. One complete sentence per slide, five to six slides.

It worked.

It gave him the structure he needed to get his thoughts out. Pretty soon we moved up to a couple sentences a slide forming several paragraphs. He would write it in Power Point then copy and paste it into a regular document. Next came a paragraph per slide translating easily to a five paragraph essay.  Finally, he started writing by hand more and more and left behind the need for the Power Point altogether. Every once in awhile he'll come to me overwhelmed and frustrated by an assignment in Honors English and I'll direct him back to the computer, back to Power Point. It's a structure that works for him.

Bottom line, don't get discouraged. Regardless of the obstacles, trust yourself, keep working, and try different approaches until you find what works for you and your child. Never let a diagnosis create limits in your mind. Think of it more as a jumping off point because it is certainly not the end. Really it's just the beginning.

That's Just Not Normal

Hannah wrote a picture book last year. A beautiful story about being different. A little kid born into a fabulously famous clown family has no inclination towards the family business, the kid just isn't funny in the way that everyone else in the family is. Throughout the story this little clown finds his own place, his own voice, his own way to be fabulous and still be a wonderful important part of his family. Really it was her story, her experience.

I knew something was different about Hannah when she was an infant - she slept like infants are supposed to sleep, ate like they are supposed to eat, played and grew like they were supposed to play and grow.  From the time she was tiny she would sit on my lap, in the swing, car seat, bouncy chair, and quietly watch her older two sisters in complete amusement.  I used to say that Hannah was so easy she was an argument for having a 4th child.

Later when Rachel had been finally diagnosed with ADHD, then their father, my husband Mark, then younger sister Mary, then Mariah I started to panic and took all the rest of the family in for testing. I was afraid I was going to miss something and have another child struggle needlessly without proper help and intervention. Sure enough there was something different about Hannah, she was the only one of our 6 (biological) children that did NOT have ADHD and all the accompanying co-conditions. It was me and her in a sea of ADHD.

It has been a remarkable difference to watch. One night when we had told everyone to get ready for bed and then meet in the living room for family prayer. Mark and I sat on the couch and chuckled as chaos circled around us. We reminded, then we followed up, then followed up again and again. Jaren was swinging from the bars of the top bunk in between the two beds hooting like a monkey. Mary was still dressed in her day clothes with robes on, holding some kind of stick as a scepter, and a crown wanting someone to give her some proper processional music before she would head to the living room, still not ready for bed.  Older sisters Rachel and Mariah were writing and/or drawing, both insisting that they had to finish getting out the idea before it was lost forever. Hunter had a bike helmet on his back using it for a jet pack, Nerf guns in both hands running in circles with sound effects for both the guns and jet pack.  Hannah was sitting quietly on the
couch with us ready for bed, waiting, watching in complete amusement.

By fourth grade a friend of hers made a remark that, much to Hannah's chagrin, has never gone away.  They were playing on the playground and she turned to Hannah and said, "Hannah, you're perfect and that's just not normal." It stuck! We loved it! and still to this day the we tell it to her all the time. She is certainly perfect to us in so many
wonderful individual ways.

Hannah is the uncontested favorite of everyone in the house. One year, after we had carefully drawn secret Santas for our Christmas gift exchange Hannah came to us privately, she was very upset.  As it turned out everyone of her siblings had come to her separately and confided who their person was and asked advice on what to give them.  She knew everyone's secret santa, which took all the fun out of it. We redrew then and every year after that with strict orders NOT to reveal to ANYONE, especially Hannah, who their person was.

It is easy to confide in her. She is calm and listens intently. She is wise in her advice, trustworthy and loving, and above all patient.  In fact, you know you have really crossed the line when Hannah gets upset because she is so patient. She is an anchor in this house.

People frequently ask how we balance her needs and the many needs of our ADHD kids. I think the answer is the same way we handle our ADHD kids. We treat her individually just like we treat them.  Looking to what she needs. We have treated all of our kids with the philosophy that each of us comes to this earth with strengths and weaknesses and our job as parents is to teach our kids how to strengthen and use their talents and conquer their weaknesses. She just has different weaknesses than the rest - she is allergic to bees and walnuts, she has terrible asthma, had to have eye surgery, she is quiet and reserved. While we were trying to get everyone else to control their actions and tone down their presence a bit we were pushing Hannah to be bolder. It has worked, and now as she is getting ready to step into the world as an adult and high school graduate (both events happened this week) she has come up with her own saying, "Why Not Be Bold!" She even wears a little leather bracelet with BB printed on it around her wrist to remind herself to step out of the shadows.

Capitalizing on her strengths has been the easier part. Like the rest of our children Hannah is a creative genius. Her amazing imaginative mind swirls with stories, drawings, characters, the perfect shot to set the perfect emotion sailing across the big screen.  In many ways she is a product of her natural talents and the free spirited talents and imagination of her siblings, which they wear so readily on their sleeve, unable to control or contain it. They like her are learning to find the right balance, each benefiting from the others struggle and experiences. And she is finding the boldness, last year it was applying to go to the California
Summer School for the Arts, getting accepted, and spending a month immersed in the amazing creative environment and learning they provide there. It was what gave her the courage to apply and get accepted to Cornish College of the Arts. It is that experience that will give her the courage to leave home in a couple

months, move to another state, and pursue her dreams.

We will not be the same without her here, she is a great part of the balance in our hearts BUT we will love her from here, support her in all the ways we can, and cheer her on her path as we do the rest of our children, each finding their own way, the way they will make a difference in this world.

Hannah, I know I speak for everyone when I say you are perfect for us and while it may not be normal, especially in our house, we love you and are so proud of who you are and who you are becoming.


Interested in other post about Hannah and her life as our only child without ADHD you might like these...

Studebakers and Bullet Trains

Creativity and ADHD Part I

Creativity and ADHD Part II

The Magical Drawing Fairy is Real

* all art work is the copyrighted property of Hannah Aro

"I Did Something" Spreading the Word About ADHD Awareness

When I answered the phone my husband didn't even say hello.  The conversation started with, "I did something."  This is usually is the part of the conversation where I say, "How much did it cost?" But before I could respond he quickly informed me that no money was involved.

See, I had been talking about my plans for upcoming ADHD Awareness Week and he had an idea.  He works at a news station, you can see where this is headed, when he said he did something he meant he had sent out an email to the producers of their local talk show, Central Valley Today, informing them of ADHD Awareness Week and suggesting me as the perfect guest.


Yep, he definitely did something.  Then he back peddled a bit by saying that they might not decide to run a piece on ADHD Awareness, neither of us believed him.  It wasn't long before I got an email asking for information, talking points, and graphics regarding Queen of the Distracted and ADHD.


I want to thank Amanda Jaurigui, Alex Delgado and KSEE 24 for having me on their show Central Valley Today and for taking the time to air this piece on ADHD.  Our ADHD community is scattered around the globe.  Often families and individuals who don't know what kind of support is out there feel isolated and alone.  Every solid news piece, ever accurate article, sympathetic blogpost, and telling tweet allow more of that community to find the support, information, and help that they need.

Cutting the Apron Strings? Transitioning Adult Children with ADHD

Okay,  I am not sure cutting the apron strings applies to adult children with ADHD.  Maybe it is more like unraveling the apron strings one string at a time.  Or maybe the apron strings just fray apart from being tied so tight and tugged on so many times.  Regardless, there doesn't seem to be any distinct cutting in our house.

I really couldn't speak to what's "normal."  Nothing in our ADHD house, where 6 of our 7 children have severe ADHD and co-occurring conditions, could ever be construed as "normal" though it is certainly normal to us. I know in many houses 18 and graduation brings a landmark of change.  If we were to handle reaching adulthood in that manner I am sure it would be a messy disaster.  Adulthood, as we tell our children, is not a distinct and abrupt move it is a transition.

And let me tell you we are transitioning all over the place. We have three that are 18 or older and are making strides towards independence.   Each of their stories, like their personalities, like their struggles with ADHD symptoms is different.  Ironically, it seems like this last week our two adult daughters have taken a lot of big steps forward.

And She's Off...

Our kids have never been big on staying away from home, they like routine, structure, their own belongings and surrounding. Our oldest used to hide it well but then we found that when all the girls would go to camp or spend the night at someone's house she was the subversive one.  She would pull her youngest sister aside and whisper in her ear, "don't you miss your teddy bear...how are you going to sleep tonight with out him?"  Then pull aside another sister, "Doesn't their dog remind you of your dog?  You must really miss her, I bet it's hard to be away from her, maybe we should go home."  When one of them would finally crack, she was the martyr that would volunteer to come home with them.

She's still in no hurry to leave the nest.  So, when she came to us and asked what we thought of her going on "vacation" to visit her best friend since elementary school in Utah for two weeks we were a little surprised but encouraged it.  A little trip, a flutter off the side of the nest and then back.  An exercise in adulthood as she took responsibility for making travel arrangements and plans.

It has been a slow march with her as she has carefully taken over more and more responsibility for her own care, making her own doctor's appointments, refilling her own prescriptions, handling her own money.  Adding one responsibility at a time has allowed her to master juggling the new skill before taking on more.  As we walked her into the airport she was going over checklists with us.  Reading material...check, art supplies...check...meds...check.  She figured out that she would have refill her meds while away, then assured me, she could handle it, not to worry.

Everything was together, her biggest concern now was that if she started reading or drawing in the airport during a layover she would get so distracted that she would miss her flight.  Her father warned her to watch that, he himself had almost missed more than one flight that way.  We took pictures, waved, and I cried a little as we walked out of the airport without her...why?  Because she is growing up.  It's slow, sometimes painfully slow, but it's working and she is feeling the success and freedom that everyone her age should feel.

We got a call from her last night...her wings are a little tired from her journey outside the nest.  No little sisters there to push into coming home early.  Not that she really wants to, she is having a great time, great success, great growth.  And she just learned another valuable lesson, you can always call home, always be reminded to eat lots of protein, be told you're not getting enough sleep, always have someone listen to your troubles, always hear that you're loved.

Mommy, I have friends!

I know, not the kind of statement you would expect your 2nd year college student to make unless they happen to have ADHD and social skills have been a prominent problem in their life.  This would be the daughter that freaked out on the girl in 7th grade that asked what she did over the weekend because it was a personal question and none of her business.  The highly intelligent daughter that has stated throughout her life that she feels it a moral obligation to let people know when they are idiots, otherwise they might go their whole lives and not know.  You can see where she might run into problems in high school.

It was never that she didn't have any friends there was always one or two that she was close to and a whole raft of people following her around that she had jumped in to defend from one bully or another.  Very few, however, that she felt an equal bond with.  I always told her that she would really hit her stride in college.  As an intelligent. deep thinker, she would find more of her kind on a college campus than in elementary, junior high, and high school.  Between her growing and developing socially and her peer group shrinking to those who really want to be in school she seems to have found more of her people.

And with friends has come social opportunities and more growth.  She has been learning over the years how to manage her impulsive tongue and her quick wit (the combination of which can be deadly) she has also spent years learning to manage her auditory sensory sensitivity.  More friends, more social opportunities, more need to successfully navigate a noisy overwhelming world.

Most recently she was asked to go to a concert of a band she really loves.  She has braved outdoor venues before, like Warp Tour, but that's different than being in an enclosed space with that many people and that much noise.  Excited but nervous was certainly the way she woke up the morning of the concert.  I knew that she was fretful when she called early in the morning to go over plans for how things were going to work out late that night.

Finally, after trying hard to be awake and supportive I said, "call your father."  He's also ADHD, also has auditory sensory issues, also has no tolerance for crowds, and loves live music.  When she called him he lead the conversation with, "are you freaking out about tonight, let me give you some advice."  He knows her, as we say in our house, he speaks the native language and has years of tried and true coping mechanisms ready to share.

He told her that she has to expect certain things:

1. It is going to be loud... very loud.  One of two things will happen, it will either A.short-circuit (deaden) her overly sensitive audio senses and it would be almost calming, like white-noise or B it would freak her out.  If A. happens then she will be fine, it will probably be relaxing because it will mask all of the other crap that she picks up and allow her to focus on the music.  If B happens then she needs to have a back-up plan.  I told her that the back up plan should be to take her ear-buds and if it gets too overwhelming to put them in to help deaden the sound.  If that is not enough, when she is starting to panic, she needs to go out into the lobby and find a place to anchor herself where she can regroup. The lobby anchor point should be scoped out prior to the concert starting so she knows where she is going if things get chaotic.
2.  There will be IDIOTS in all shapes and sizes... don't react to them, just look at them, acknowledge them and check it off of your mental list that you knew you would see idiots.  Kind of like your own game of Where's Waldo.
3. Your sense will most likely overload, just role with it and follow the directions in 1. if they are to much for you to handle.  Sound and smell will most likely hit you the most, so just know that it will and don't be surprised when you experience it.
This daughter is not a tell it to her once kind of girl - she likes to go over them, make sure she heard right, reiterate, then write it all down and have you sign it to be sure - they went over the directions repeatedly until she was comfortable..
Then he texted her prior to the concert, this was their conversation copied out of text...

Mia: Thank you guys so much for letting me go to this concert tonight. This means so much to me I'm so excited. :) its like a landmark for me. <3 :=":" p="p" thank="thank" you.="you."> Daddy: You are welcome honey... Like I said to you earlier when you get in there, get the lay of the land and have a plan in place so you know what to do of out gets overwhelming. Take your ear-buds in case you need to use them.  Love you.... I think you will do fine.... Remember - there will be idiots, just plan to ignore them and have a good time.

(the next morning)
Mia: Ohmaigawsh. That was so amazing......
Mia: O.o morning!!!!!!!
Daddy: Morning.... So you had a good time then

Mia: It was the BEST......EVER......SO AMAZING.....SO COOL.....
Daddy: LOL... Cool!

I suppose in a "normal" house these experiences would seem so everyday that they wouldn't even draw attention but in our house these are some pivotal moments, landmarks, rights of passage successfully navigated and marked off the list so we can move onto the next set of opportunities to grow.  In our house each challenge met equals a few more threads plucked out of the apron strings on the way to adulthood.

Role of a Parent in the Pursuit of Passion and Talent

I am not a soccer mom, I appreciate them, especially those that have their kids in year round leagues.  I admire their dedication to braving the elements, cut up oranges, Gatorade, and driving.  It's not that I wouldn't ever be a soccer mom it's just that my kids have never leaned towards those kinds of activities. In fact, I did a little time as a volleyball mom and little league mom.  I was almost a track mom, then my daughter came home totally disillusioned, "Did you know that you have to RUN in track?" I did, but apparently she didn't, what a rude awakening that was.

I am an art mom, art, film, acting, music, and almost any creative endeavor mom. I step over painting supplies, pick clay out of carpet, yell at those who would bump the camera, table or lights set up for stop motion.  I sit on set intolerably long periods of time, watch clips as they're edited together, give opinions, and ooh and aah at visual effects.  I read newly written poetry, short stories, and listen to endless ideas for future poetry, short stories, novels, film, and animation ideas.

Last night I caught my 14 year old son as he got out of the shower and told him he needed to remove the mascara raccoon eyes before bed.  That's a conversation that I never expected to have.  He's in his first stage play.  He's done some local commercials and short films but he's never had to wear heavy stage makeup before. 

Our kids, these amazing souls, are in our care as they develop. We, as their parents, have the responsibility of helping them discover who and what they are.  It's an important job, a hard job.  In fact, as parents, we set aside many of our own needs to make sure that we can help our kids develop in a healthy way.  When you have children who are wired differently, alphabet soup kids ADHD, ASD, SPD, ODD, or any of the other many disorders that change the way the brain receives, processes, and reacts to information everything we do as parents becomes more vital.  Helping our kids find and pursue their passions becomes even more critical to their development now and in their future.

Interests, obsessions, passions are not always where their natural talent lies.  Our oldest daughter wanted desperately to sing, over the years we worked out ways to get her vocal lessons.  To almost anyone who heard her sing early on this might have seemed like huge mistake.  As even she will tell you, she was awful, painful even.  But in pursuing a talent she wanted but was not naturally gifted at she learned some very valuable life lessons like dedication, perseverance, work ethic, sacrifice.  Recently, she was talking to one of her siblings about success, she was quick to remind him of how horribly she sang at first, how vital constantly working at what you want to be successful at is, and how it all turned out for her.  She has an amazing voice now and the life skills that she has learned getting that voice are not lost on her.  She understands how to set and achieve a goal.

at home ALWAYS "on"

Encouraging the pursuit of a passion can be hard, especially when dealing with the uniquely wired, because interest almost always equals obsession.  Obsession almost always equals being followed around day and night by a child who is absolutely fixated on one particular subject spouting facts, quoting, rehearsing, singing.  It takes a lot of patience to take in all they may be putting out.  Our now amazing vocalist, for example, sang nothing but Phantom of the Opera for a whole summer, 24/7.  She sang it so much that we weren't sure she actually talked at all that summer.  She sang it so much that her then 4 year old brother went to preschool one day, picked up his teachers hand and broke out into song, "Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye remember me once in a while please promise me, you'll try..."

It is tempting, as parents, focused on our children's future, to think only of whether a skill is going to be useful to them as an adult.  I remember a friend who was horrified by her 7th grade daughters ninja obsession.  She wanted nothing more than to shut it down.  It was an obsession shared by my daughter, her best friend.  According to the other mom I was not nearly horrified enough.  They read on the subject incessantly, they drew ninjas, watched ninja movies, even learned some marshal arts.  I wasn't worried about it, I knew it would pass but when I talked to the other mom she was afraid that if she encouraged it, if she didn't squash it immediately, that it might be all her daughter did with her life.  While it is true that our children, in the pursuit of their passions may stumble on what they may do for the rest of their lives most likely they will just explore many ideas, activities, hobbies, that will be fond memories and life lessons but not career paths,  As I told this mom, I feel safe in saying that neither girl would end up a ninja.  I was right.

In some cases, however, they may find their future.  That's not a bad thing.  Especially for kids with ADHD and other similar disorders, finding a career they are passionate about increases their chance of success as an adult.  The ADHD brain does not do well when it is bored, it does exceptionally well when it is stimulated by something it loves.

I watched my son on stage the other night, his lack of inhibition (fueled by his ADHD) filled the room as did the laughter when his physical comedy stole the show.  I saw him buzz with the exhilaration at the audience reaction.  It was his first stage play, he had never had a live audience to feed his energy before.  I saw his confidence swell.  He found a niche, certainly a passion. 

For kids that fight everyday to remember and process what they are learning in class, to remember to put their name on their papers, to remember to turn in their work, who feel different from their peers, who know they struggle to keep up and to fit in; finding their passion, their talent, their niche provides a critical sense of success and accomplishment.  It gives them a balance to their struggles, an edge, a path to success in the future. 

Will he be the next Jim Carey as the family in front of us proposed?  I don't know and for right now I don't care.  This passion is giving him insight, teaching him skills he will use in everyday life, building confidence, teaching dedication, work ethic, sacrifice, team work, and most importantly opening his eyes to his own possibilities.  We will support him in the pursuit of anything that teaches those lessons, brings him to that sort of positive place.

And at the end of the night we will laugh when his 4 older sisters try and help him get the mascara off while lecturing him on his new found appreciation for all that girls do to look beautiful.

* special thanks to my kids for collecting all the art and writing stuff in the picture and to Mary for taking it for me

The Picture of ADHD

Here are my boys, Hunter and Jaren! They are a couple years apart in age and about the same size in stature. They are often confused for twins. Some people ask me HOW to tell them apart. I tell them it is easy Jaren always looks very put together and Hunter always looks disheveled, like he just walked out of a tornado.


I couldn’t help but think about how individual ADHD can be when I looked at this picture. Believe it or not both boys are ADHD, both take medications (though not the same meds) but clearly there are some differences in how that ADHD comes out in their personalities.

Jaren obsessively fights his inattentiveness and Hunter is overrun by it.

Jaren has responded wonderfully to medication, Hunter has struggled on a journey of trial and error with little patches of success here and there (luckily we are in a good place right now).

Hunter is often drowning in his own thoughts and has a hard time expressing them. One night I asked him if he was swimming in thought. He cried and insisted, “No, there is no room to swim.” Jaren finds expressing them easy, almost effortless and charming. At four he serenaded his pre-school teacher with Phantom of the Opera. He has charm and wit and catch phrases.

Hunter misses nothing, often memorizing books and movies with one exposure reciting them with ease. Jaren has to work at it and often repeats things over and over to learn them.

It would be SO easy if there were a simple way to diagnose and treat ADHD, if you could measure it scientifically like diabetes and give a proportional response. It just doesn’t work like that, it is so much trickier. Each person having their own struggles and reaction to how their brain functions, to this neurobiological disorder called ADHD.

We have always tried to approach each child individually even before we knew anything about ADHD. Teaching, disciplining, guiding, encouraging in a way that works for that individual. We have sought out doctors that are interested in treating our children in the same way that we raise them; treating the child not necessarily the disorder alone. As our psychiatrist now says treating what is in front of you. This is especially important because ADHD in not usually a stand alone disorder, it likes company. My husband Mark often calls it the buffet of mental health issues. A virtual smorgasbord, “I’ll take a little OCD and anxiety with my ADHD, throw a little ODD on there for desert.”

So when the kids piled out of the car for church on Sunday Hunter’s outside so completely reflected his inner struggles I called out to Mark, “Quick, get a picture!” It’s a picture of two brothers who share so much. A picture of how unique ADHD can be.