From Making the Grade to Making the Adjustment to Summer

NO books ~ ALL papers

Summer time ~ In so many ways the end of school is a huge relief. No more racing, pushing, begging, pleading, bargaining to get kids out the door and to school. No more stressing over homework to be done, doing it, or the last and oh so critical step of turning it in which seems to be the hardest sometimes. No more worrying about missed days and make up work or late assignments, social issues with friends or lack of friends to have social issues with. No more banging your head on the nearest hard surface when the school's number pops up on your phone because you know that your over dramatic, anxiety ridden child is once again in the nurses office.

But summer isn't always the get out of jail free card that we would hope it would be.  Summer can bring its own set of issues - change in routines, change in social situations, change in mental stimulus all can lead to their own kind of stress and trouble taking some of the joy and relaxation out of this much awaited vacation time.

We by no means have mastered the ADHD summer but over the years we have come up with some great
ways to cope and counter a lot of the draw backs to summer - I thought I would share some here.


Routine - I have found that my ADHD kids have a strange sort of love hate relationship with routine. I used to think that they hated it altogether. As my continued push towards staying on a routine met their innate ability to forget that we had one at all I was sure that they were routine resistant. I took as evidence their looks of utter surprise when I would remind them what they were doing and what came next, as if we didn't do the same thing everyday.  I used to think that until I changed the morning routine and everyone fell apart, they got mad at me. They were correcting me, telling me what was supposed to be next, and then fell apart at the thought that I had changed it.  I was stunned.


We start our morning the same regardless of where we are, what time of year it is, whether its a holiday, school day or vacation day.  It has added a lot of stability to our house. Your routine may be different - I don't think it is what you do or the order you do it that matters, rather it is the fact that you consistently do the same things in the same order. The fact that it never changes acts like an anchor emotionally giving each day common ground to start off on.  In our house the kids, of all ages, get up, take meds, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, and ready to start the day. 

Structure - we add in some structure to our days not necessarily the same as routine because they aren't as scheduled. But my kids know that during the summer days they are most likely going to do chores in the morning, they will have some time on the computer, they will have time to be creative, to play, to read, and probably watch a show.  These activities aren't scheduled for the most part but they happen regularly almost every day of summer.

Boredom can be the start of much trouble as that brilliant ADHD mind seeks for stimulus to satisfy itself. One thing I have done with my kids is have them make lists of things they like to do, things they find relaxing or fun, stimulating and satisfying, things that won't get them in trouble. When they have some down time and are starting to feel the itch of boredom they can refer to the list for ideas.We use summer to catch up on the things that there is little time for during the school year. Summer is a time we choose to feed our kids creativity with their imaginations we really don't accept the, "I'm Bored," complaint from any of them.  From the time they were little they have known that if they come to me and say I am bored I will give them some ideas of things I know they would enjoy, but if they complain my answer will most likely include a chore - they rarely complain to me that they are bored.

Fun activities or outings - Included in your structure can be small trips or activities you do regularly during the summer. Trips to the park, to the zoo, to visit with friends and family, or book store story times. Even the library, which, for us, is finally not an exercise in late fees, lost books and the fear of landing on the library's most wanted list for us. Knowing that one or two of these activities are going to happen during the week gives something to look forward to and is a great bargaining chip to get chores and other mind numbing activities done.

If plans change - heaven forbid - give as much warning as possible and try to replace it with another activity like reading a story together, playing a game together, something to ease the blow.  ADHD kids have a very hard time when plans change - they set these activities in their minds as markers for the day or week, they become pillars on which they build a sense of stability when those things change its like pulling the foundation out from under them. In offering an alternative activity in a sense you are shoring up their foundation, keeping the world stable. Being understanding to the their experience is the first step in handling it patiently and patience allows you to use the moment to teach. We often tell our kids that we understand what they are feeling, but life is about things changing so it is important to develop strategies to cope with change. Change, ironically is a constant in life.

Maintaining and Building Skills - One of my favorite books is The Out of Sync Child has Fun. It

is packed with fun activities that build skills, focusing on Sensory Processing Disorders. Probably as much as the book helped me better understand what my children may be experiencing and provided so many fun activities to help; it also opened my mind to the idea of making learning new skills fun and exciting.  I am already writing a more in depth post on different fun ways we have found over the years to build and maintain skills during the summer, but here is one example that is happening right now in our house.

One of our daughters, so far this summer, has been working on making and applying latex wounds and special effects make up (decided to leave out the picture of my daughter's gross fake gaping neck wound - though if you want you can see it if you look at the pictures on my twitter @ADHDqueen) as well as sculpting. This is a great example of an activity that  crosses over and serve as both fun and help build or maintain skills.  She has dysgraphia and the use of fine motor skills required to sculpt keeps her hands strong. If you are creative you can find lots of ways to build and maintain skills that don't seem like work.

Social Opportunities - We are kind of our own flash mob.  With so many kids in the house much of our

social skills training comes just from interacting with each other. Though we still try to maintain relationships that have been built during the school year. Having friends over is a great way to do this. Just like I have my kids make lists of what they might want to do and explore during the summer when they have a friend coming over I ask them to come up with some activities that they plan on doing. Having some plans lessens the likelihood of awkward times with friends. We go over the ground rules and social rules before the friend comes over so that they remember things like paying attention to their guests feelings and needs, compromising, and make clear parameters like what time things are beginning and ending. While knowing there is a time that things are going to wind down doesn't prevent them for asking for more time I can always remind them that we agreed ahead of time when things would end.  I try to always give transition time, warnings that social time is going to end so it doesn't end abruptly setting off a meltdown.

We had whirlwind of activity to wrap up the school year with multiple awards assemblies, class parties, and one of our daughters turning 18 and graduating all in the same week. The backpacks are sitting right where they were left on the last day of school. The stress of grades is over. The California High School Exit Exam has been passed (both math and reading). The report cards came in the mail. There are no after school clubs, play practices, or homework. Thank Goodness, everyone has welcomed the shift in activity from over scheduled and pressurized to the calmer more even pace of summer. I for one am not missing the near daily calls from the school nurse. Though I have appreciated her patience and help, I really don't want to know her as well as I do. So far it has been the best transition to summer we have ever had.  One thing that is for certain in an ADHD household is that nothing is for certain - we'll see what tomorrow bring - heaven knows the tide can turn at any moment.

That's Just Not Normal

Hannah wrote a picture book last year. A beautiful story about being different. A little kid born into a fabulously famous clown family has no inclination towards the family business, the kid just isn't funny in the way that everyone else in the family is. Throughout the story this little clown finds his own place, his own voice, his own way to be fabulous and still be a wonderful important part of his family. Really it was her story, her experience.

I knew something was different about Hannah when she was an infant - she slept like infants are supposed to sleep, ate like they are supposed to eat, played and grew like they were supposed to play and grow.  From the time she was tiny she would sit on my lap, in the swing, car seat, bouncy chair, and quietly watch her older two sisters in complete amusement.  I used to say that Hannah was so easy she was an argument for having a 4th child.

Later when Rachel had been finally diagnosed with ADHD, then their father, my husband Mark, then younger sister Mary, then Mariah I started to panic and took all the rest of the family in for testing. I was afraid I was going to miss something and have another child struggle needlessly without proper help and intervention. Sure enough there was something different about Hannah, she was the only one of our 6 (biological) children that did NOT have ADHD and all the accompanying co-conditions. It was me and her in a sea of ADHD.

It has been a remarkable difference to watch. One night when we had told everyone to get ready for bed and then meet in the living room for family prayer. Mark and I sat on the couch and chuckled as chaos circled around us. We reminded, then we followed up, then followed up again and again. Jaren was swinging from the bars of the top bunk in between the two beds hooting like a monkey. Mary was still dressed in her day clothes with robes on, holding some kind of stick as a scepter, and a crown wanting someone to give her some proper processional music before she would head to the living room, still not ready for bed.  Older sisters Rachel and Mariah were writing and/or drawing, both insisting that they had to finish getting out the idea before it was lost forever. Hunter had a bike helmet on his back using it for a jet pack, Nerf guns in both hands running in circles with sound effects for both the guns and jet pack.  Hannah was sitting quietly on the
couch with us ready for bed, waiting, watching in complete amusement.

By fourth grade a friend of hers made a remark that, much to Hannah's chagrin, has never gone away.  They were playing on the playground and she turned to Hannah and said, "Hannah, you're perfect and that's just not normal." It stuck! We loved it! and still to this day the we tell it to her all the time. She is certainly perfect to us in so many
wonderful individual ways.

Hannah is the uncontested favorite of everyone in the house. One year, after we had carefully drawn secret Santas for our Christmas gift exchange Hannah came to us privately, she was very upset.  As it turned out everyone of her siblings had come to her separately and confided who their person was and asked advice on what to give them.  She knew everyone's secret santa, which took all the fun out of it. We redrew then and every year after that with strict orders NOT to reveal to ANYONE, especially Hannah, who their person was.

It is easy to confide in her. She is calm and listens intently. She is wise in her advice, trustworthy and loving, and above all patient.  In fact, you know you have really crossed the line when Hannah gets upset because she is so patient. She is an anchor in this house.

People frequently ask how we balance her needs and the many needs of our ADHD kids. I think the answer is the same way we handle our ADHD kids. We treat her individually just like we treat them.  Looking to what she needs. We have treated all of our kids with the philosophy that each of us comes to this earth with strengths and weaknesses and our job as parents is to teach our kids how to strengthen and use their talents and conquer their weaknesses. She just has different weaknesses than the rest - she is allergic to bees and walnuts, she has terrible asthma, had to have eye surgery, she is quiet and reserved. While we were trying to get everyone else to control their actions and tone down their presence a bit we were pushing Hannah to be bolder. It has worked, and now as she is getting ready to step into the world as an adult and high school graduate (both events happened this week) she has come up with her own saying, "Why Not Be Bold!" She even wears a little leather bracelet with BB printed on it around her wrist to remind herself to step out of the shadows.

Capitalizing on her strengths has been the easier part. Like the rest of our children Hannah is a creative genius. Her amazing imaginative mind swirls with stories, drawings, characters, the perfect shot to set the perfect emotion sailing across the big screen.  In many ways she is a product of her natural talents and the free spirited talents and imagination of her siblings, which they wear so readily on their sleeve, unable to control or contain it. They like her are learning to find the right balance, each benefiting from the others struggle and experiences. And she is finding the boldness, last year it was applying to go to the California
Summer School for the Arts, getting accepted, and spending a month immersed in the amazing creative environment and learning they provide there. It was what gave her the courage to apply and get accepted to Cornish College of the Arts. It is that experience that will give her the courage to leave home in a couple

months, move to another state, and pursue her dreams.

We will not be the same without her here, she is a great part of the balance in our hearts BUT we will love her from here, support her in all the ways we can, and cheer her on her path as we do the rest of our children, each finding their own way, the way they will make a difference in this world.

Hannah, I know I speak for everyone when I say you are perfect for us and while it may not be normal, especially in our house, we love you and are so proud of who you are and who you are becoming.


Interested in other post about Hannah and her life as our only child without ADHD you might like these...

Studebakers and Bullet Trains

Creativity and ADHD Part I

Creativity and ADHD Part II

The Magical Drawing Fairy is Real

* all art work is the copyrighted property of Hannah Aro

ALL HAIL TO THE QUEEN

(a letter from the Distracted King and his court of jesters)

It is ADHD awareness week.  As some of you may already know, my lovely wife went along with my scheme to get her on a local TV show to talk about ADHD. Don't get me wrong, she is not afraid to talk, she is just embarrassed about how she looks and she feels frumpy, however she did it and did not complain.  Like so many things in our lives, she does them and DOES NOT COMPLAIN.  People ask her how she is doing and she usually says, "I'm fine" but little do they know, she is a master liar.  Well at least where HER health is concerned.  

She arrived a little early at the station on Monday because she had just finished attending a school intervention meeting with a friend that was in over her head trying to get accommodations and a diagnosis for her son.  For those of you that saw the video clip that we posted the other day, you probably saw a housewife and a mom, advocating for those that have a difficulty speaking for themselves.  She does it every day, all day for us and for anyone within her reach.


What you didn't see is the cane that is her constant companion and with her everywhere she goes... she happened to leave it in my office during the show (which I didn't realize until afterwards).  She did it because she doesn't like explaining to people why someone so young needs a cane and she doesn't want people to know that she is in pain all day every day.   

Lisa has an auto immune disease called "Ankylosing Spondylitis" (say that three times fast)... we just refer to it as A.S.  For many years the only thing that helped with the pain was a nasty little drug called Prednisone which does combat the chronic unbearable pain, but it has some very unpleasant side effects.  Major weight gain and Moon-Face are some of the more obvious side effects and sadly not as severe as some of the others that are associated with Prednisone.  Back when we were first married, the alternative was to lie still in a completely blackened room secretly wishing to die… sadly she started taking it years before she met me, I believe in her early teens. Thankfully, the Prednisone that has made the only difference in her pain for the last thirty years is now at a very low dose and is taken mostly when her NEW infusion medication is wearing off (usually at the end of the third week in her four week cycle). 



So in the interview, what you couldn’t see is how she struggles every day.  How the muscle relaxants and pain killers that they prescribe to help her manage the golf ball sized knots and muscle spasms do little to help. You can’t see how difficult it is for her to get in and out of our 15 passenger van because in addition to A.S. she (and several of our kids) have another lovely disorder called "ehlers-danlos syndrome (E.D.S)" so if the chronic pain, spasms and knots weren’t enough, she gets a whole new batch from the E.D.S.   E.D.S. is a connective tissue disorder that basically makes her elastic woman, but not in a good way.  Her joints are so loose that you can pull her kneecaps around the side of her leg. So stairs and steps, uneven ground... heck even flat surfaces are all accidents just waiting to happen.  So the disease is turning her immune system against her and literally attacking her muscles while the disorder produces far too much collagen in her skin and connective tissue so any support she might have with her joints is weak and minimal at best.  I guess she should be grateful that she is even upright at all.
  

She has determined that she will post something every day this week.  Today's post was going to be a picture with a funny blurb or something inspirational, but I am afraid that just won’t do!  The reason it was going to be a picture with just a blurb is due to the fact that today, she will spend several hours hooked up to an I.V. getting an infusion. To date, this medication has been the only thing that seems to really help slow down her disease... not cure it or stop it, but just slow it down.  After her infusion, she will be driven home by our daughter and hopefully, if the cards are aligned and no major school trauma comes home on the 4 o'clock bus, she will get several hours of restful mostly pain-free sleep.  If all goes well that blissful sleep might stay with her for a few nights, which will end up being the only decent sleep she has all month until her next treatment. 

Why am I sharing all of this? I am fairly certain that she will want to kill me when she discovers what I did. That's okay, I am ADHD, I don't really care about the consequences right now, sure I may later, but I am fairly certain I can outrun her. The truth is she doesn't want people to know, she doesn't want pity or anyone treating her differently because of it.  In some degree, I think her trials are partially why she understands US so well.  On some levels she has empathy in regards to not being able to function the way the average person does.  She may not get us entirely, but she understands enough to communicate with those of us that are lost in a world full of possibilities and distractions, absurdities and epiphanies all wrapped up snugly in a bundle of co-occurring conditions.

When we were engaged, many of her friends half-jokingly told me that I was marrying a medical bill.  Too true, our co-pays for her medications and all of the many medications that the rest of us take literally make-up at least 1/4 if not more of my monthly salary... and that's with health insurance. If I knew then, what I know now, I would still choose to marry my little 5' fireball.  She has saved me in every way that one person could save another (my Titanic quote for the day).  She has rescued me from myself and the down sides of my disorders, she has encouraged me to soar and given me the strength to do so, but has helped me stay tethered enough to not float off into the ether.  She is my light in dark places and she is the most incredible person in my life.  Without her and her influence in my life I would most assuredly be dead or at the very least a broken person.  Although our life has been far from easy, it has been a life of worth, one of value and one that I am not ashamed of.  There are not words to describe how I feel about my soul mate, my wife and my queen, but I will spend the rest of our time together trying to find those words and saying them often enough for her to never forget.  

This week is ADHD awareness week.  While we are doing our best to advocate for this disorder and to help those who need help, let us not forget to thank those heroes who sink into bed or the couch each night, exhausted from a day full of re-directing, encouraging, reminding and every other thing that our friends and loved ones do to keep us on task and on track.  Let's take a moment to thank them and let them know how much we appreciate them and what they do.  Let's not forget that while we are neck deep in our struggles and difficulties, that the hands that reach out to us, that lift us, dust us off when we trip or fall, dress our wounds and guide us through the rocky terrain of life with our disorders… let us not forget that they have burdens of their own and trials to carry in this life, unrelated to us. Some may be on the surface some may be buried deep, but while we struggle to communicate and function in a world that is not necessarily designed for us, let's be sure to remember, show appreciation and even praise those that give so much for us with so little in return. I believe that the greatest gift that we could give our heroes and  our caregivers, is to harness the UP-SIDE of our disorders and use our incredible minds and often untapped gifts to make this world a better place and in some small way (at least), to bless the lives of those that fight for us each and every day. 

I have asked each of my kids to take moment to share a thought about their mother and what she does for them.  So when the Queen is getting her medical care today, we will do our best to hold up the Castle until she returns.  Long live the Queen... (This is my greatest secret wish!)

Humbly,
The Distracted King





Rachel – Age 20 
(ADHD, Inattentive, Dyslexic -  allergic to painkillers and stimulants)
When asked to write a paragraph about what my Mom does for me, my first thought is "that's impossible....I'd have to write a book" and that's not an exaggeration. My mom is the coolest most bad-A mom on the planet. Not only does she take time to help me with my needs and wants in life, but she takes the necessary time to understand them. She has not just watched me fight my battles but been there alongside me, fighting them with me. I am so blessed to have a mother who cares about me and my disorders, so… so… so… blessed. A mother who, before I was diagnosed and even now would sit for hours with me trying to help me understand homework problems or just simple matters of life that I couldn't process or didn't quite get. I could go on and on and on, but thanks Mum, you really are the coolest mom on the planet, and anyone who disagrees is gonna have to deal with me... or Mia cause she's more threatening. I love you.


Mariah (Mia) – Age 18 
(ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, ODD)
My mum is a phenomenal person. She is selfless and empathetic and very, very stubborn. This is probably part of what makes her such an excellent mother and a strong competent voice for ADD/ADHD and learning disabilities. Her demand for respect is balanced by her kind eyes and gentle heart. She does not understand what it's like to be me, but she has made more effort than anyone else in the world to try and understand, more than that, to help me learn and grow as a person. She has taught me that I have absolutely no excuse to fail. I cannot blame it on my ADHD or my sensory processing issues. She's taught me that even though it’s hard and sometimes it really sucks, it's a part of who I am. I love my mum so much.

Mia’s follow up email #1
Daddy,
I am lying in my bed sobbing because I wrote my paragraph and my stupid iPod keeps malfunctioning and won't send the email. It keeps telling me I have the wrong password when I don't, and its making me sob I hate it! :( :(

I am so mad, my paragraph was perfect. I smashed my iPod against my bed and I'm still sobbing I'm so mad. I can't even think. F u Steve Jobs you f-ing bastard you suck and I hope you're miserable!!!!!! :'(

I guess I'm just gonna have to start over and idk why this is making me cry but I'm really upset. It’s been doing this since I installed the f-ing new iOS and iHate it. I need to write it later I'm so mad and sobbing I can't do it.

Mia’s follow up email #2
By the grace of heaven it looks like it sent! Let me know if it did. Sorry about flipping out, now my eyes hurt for no reason.

Love you,

Mia

P.S. I still hate you Steve Jobs

Fernando (Fernie) – Age 18
(he has lived with us for 3 years now, we have no insurance for him so he is currently un-medicated)
Lisa has done so much for me. I am the un-medicated ADHD child. She listens to me when I spout about comic book crap that she has no interest in, and she makes a great effort to understand what I am saying when I am talking about the shows and the stuff that I love. She asks how my day was at work and how my friends are doing. She bends over backwards like an Olympic gymnast and doesn't even think to ask for the bronze. Thank you and you deserve platinum.


Hannah – Age 17
(the only one without ADHD)
The things my Mum does for me are innumerable, but I think the main thing she does for me is keep me sane. When I'm bouncing off the walls going crazy because of something one of my siblings has done she understands me and talks to me. She gets me like no one else in the house does. I miss the days when we were able to drive to Denny's and sit and drink hot chocolate and eat fries for an hour just to help clear my head. I always enjoy the times when we can drive together in peace, without the buzz of a million thoughts surrounding us. Even though sometimes my needs are put in the back because my siblings need something I feel like she is always keeping me in mind. She is always supportive and there to talk to and sometimes ‘to talk’ is all you need. When my siblings don't understand me or what I am going through I know that she will, and that she will help me in any way she can. My Mum cares and loves me, she listens and understands and that is what she does for me.

Love you Mum,
Hannah aka The Voice of Reason


Mary (Maggie) – Age 15 
(ADHD, Dyslexic, Dyspraxic, Dysgraphic, etc.)
Ever since I was born, I have had lots of disorders and problems which made it hard for me to do pretty much anything… Talk, write, do math.  Most parents would find me an impossible challenge.  She took me every day at 3:00 to therapy, then the school finally gave up so she switched me to a personal therapist which was a 30 minute drive each way.  I would go on Monday and then every other Thursday my mom would take me to another place an hour away.  She took me and waited for me for all of this.  Out of the last four years she has spent 730 hours taking me to speech therapy and occupational therapy so I can learn to function in society today.  This what my mom did for me.  I love you mum.


Hunter – Age 14 
(ADHD, OCD)
Mum you do so much for me. You listen to my stories even when you are extremely tired. You support me in everything I want to do from writing and drawing to calligraphy. You make sure I can get where I need to go, and help me when I need help. Thank you so much mama.

Jaren – Age 11
(ADHD)
(The intro to his email is in Korean and Russian… I didn’t bother trying to translate it, but he sent an attachment in English for his mom… double spaced [which I removed] with no punctuation)

my mom is made of angel tears she is the most amazing person in the entire world she has always been nice to me even if she has been hurting extremely bad she also buys everything we like and she cooks the food we want and she makes the most amazing pies in the world she also bakes extremely good and lastly mum I love you so much I just want you to know that

"I Did Something" Spreading the Word About ADHD Awareness

When I answered the phone my husband didn't even say hello.  The conversation started with, "I did something."  This is usually is the part of the conversation where I say, "How much did it cost?" But before I could respond he quickly informed me that no money was involved.

See, I had been talking about my plans for upcoming ADHD Awareness Week and he had an idea.  He works at a news station, you can see where this is headed, when he said he did something he meant he had sent out an email to the producers of their local talk show, Central Valley Today, informing them of ADHD Awareness Week and suggesting me as the perfect guest.


Yep, he definitely did something.  Then he back peddled a bit by saying that they might not decide to run a piece on ADHD Awareness, neither of us believed him.  It wasn't long before I got an email asking for information, talking points, and graphics regarding Queen of the Distracted and ADHD.


I want to thank Amanda Jaurigui, Alex Delgado and KSEE 24 for having me on their show Central Valley Today and for taking the time to air this piece on ADHD.  Our ADHD community is scattered around the globe.  Often families and individuals who don't know what kind of support is out there feel isolated and alone.  Every solid news piece, ever accurate article, sympathetic blogpost, and telling tweet allow more of that community to find the support, information, and help that they need.

Stigma and Stereotypes: The Lessons We Teach Inadvertently

Yesterday was crazy, which I expected.  One of our sons has a strange protruding spot in his ribcage that we've been trying to figure out since February.  Nothing showed up on x-rays, nothing really by examination, but when our psychiatrist ordered a routine EKG our son's doctor thought she might have found the answer.  She thought his heart might be backwards.

You can imagine this totally tickled the ADHD minds in our house.  Especially my son who has named the protruding spot, his alien chest baby, 'Lil Elmo.  We were off to the Children's Hospital in our area where we would spend hours doing a new EKG, waiting, having exams, talking medical history, waiting, and eventually having a sonogram of his heart before getting an clear answer.

All that waiting meant lots of children's programing on every TV in every waiting room.  It made me long for the days of Between the Lions, Sesame Street, Dragon Tales and the other programing of my kid's youth.

In the end we were stuck watching a pseudo-interactive magical word fairy tell stories and teach sounds all with an underlying life skill lesson.  I was tired.  I was hungry.  I was cranky.  And when they started to tell the story of the magical porridge pot illustrating the importance of listening I became mother bearish about the implications.

I actually remember reading the story as a child. This was not the same story.  This was an absent minded, distracted girl whose father gifts her, for no apparent reason, with the magical pot.  Gives her instructions and leaves.  She, of course, floods the house because she was not paying attention, she did not listen, as she was supposed to and couldn't remember how to stop the pot from making porridge.  Listen was the word of the day.

The cranky, hungry mother bear in me saw this as a continuation of some dangerous stereotypes about inattention.  I suppose I saw in this little peasant girl as my oldest daughter.  We had no idea what ADHD was back when she was little.  Every teacher seemed to negate our concerns about ADHD by telling us that she was sweet and meant well.  She couldn't be ADHD because she wasn't disruptive; she was dreamy and creative.  If she could just try harder to pay attention, to listen, she would be fine.  She was the little peasant girl.

Stereotypes and stigma can be dangerous and this show seemed full of them.  First, that kids who don't pay attention do it intentionally.  They are irresponsible, ditzy, and therefore end up being destructive. Second, that if they wanted to, if they understood or respected the importance of the information, they would pay attention and listen. 

Neither of these are true.  The danger of portraying inattention (ADD/ADHD) in this manner is that those who suffer trying to maintain focus, pay attention and fail: not because of their intentions, their desires, or their intellect, will view themselves as broken because they can't remember simple instruction.  Our little peasant girl is 20 now and still fights her feelings of inadequacy and failure.  Equally as stigmatizing would be raising another generation that views others who struggle with the way their brains are wired as disrespectful, careless, and unintelligent.

Of course, maybe the father had it too.  Maybe he's in denial about his own ADD/ADHD.  There is, after all, a strong genetic link to ADHD/ADD.  Maybe this explains why he impulsively gave his young daughter a pot that could flood the house with porridge.  Or why he only gave her important operating instructions once and didn't have her reiterate the instructions or write them down for future reference, just left her alone with the pot.

My husband thinks so.  He was that way once.  Now he embraces his own ADHD and works hard to manage and harness it to his benefit.

Children's programming I feel as though you failed me.

I realize that my reaction came from a loaded place.  I even recognized then that I was overly angry. Nonetheless, I was happy to leave the magical word fairy behind and get back to the business of the day.

It wasn't long before the cardiologist came back and announced that Hunter was totally normal.

Totally normal?  He missed the part seconds earlier where he was wishing he was a shape shifter so he could turn himself into a Muppet. Where he was demonstrating by trying to throw his head all the way backwards, mouth wide open, dancing like a Muppet. 

And the part as we were walking out where Hunter was disappointed that he couldn't tell people his heart was backwards - after all that would've been pretty cool.

Vacuum Tube Transportation and Other Strokes of Genius

I have to admit, the older the kids get, the more responsible they are for getting their own medication in the morning, the harder time I have managing when they are getting close to running out.  Then, I'm in a rush to call the doctor's office for refill prescriptions, get them to pharmacy, and get refills before they run out.  So, more and more I end up in the drive through line at the pharmacy with one or more of my kids.  They're there because they are completely unmedicated.  Best bet is to take them with me.

Interestingly enough, my 13 year old son was talking about the experience of being unmedicated as we were on our way to pick up the medication.  He said he kind of enjoys being with out medication at first - there's a sort of freedom to his thoughts.  He indicated that at first that is a fun feeling - ideas bouncing around in his brain like a hand full of bouncy balls that have been thrown down really hard on the ground.  A sense that he's carried by his brain - having no control over where it will take him.


But, he added quickly, there's a relief when he takes his meds.  A sense that control is on the way, that soon he'll be able to manage the thoughts running through his mind.  He'll at least have some control over what he thinks about and where it will take him.  What an odd paradox - the freedom feels good but uncontrollable and therefore a little scary.  The control from the medication feels safe but somewhat restrictive.

We were still very much in the "freedom of thought" state when we pulled up to the pharmacy's drive through lane - the one with the vacuum tube that sucks your payment and paper prescriptions up a tube and deposits them in the pharmacy and then sends the medications back the same way.  I thought my boys were going to have an aneurism they were so excited.

They wanted to jump out of the car and into the tube themselves. They wanted to take it apart.  They wanted to know all about how it worked.  They wanted to make a super large one that ran from our house to their father's work and stick him in it every morning to send him off.  Dad's 6 foot 3 - he is a big guy.  This was an amazing visual that they could not resist.  Can you imagine, they mused, somebody's standing at work and wooosh, "Hey, it's Mark.  Mark's here!"  The sound effects and scenarios filled the car.

But what if he got stuck?  Easy, all they needed was a gigantic plunger or maybe a bunch of gigantic plungers.  A hatch would open, the gigantic plunging system would fall into place and plunge until daddy was successfully dislodged and sailing through the vacuum tube once more.  I was slightly disturbed - they were in heaven.

My next stop was to take my husband his lunch and medication, since he is equally as bad at telling me when he's close to out of meds, great at telling me when he has taken his last day.  As he walked up to meet us at the car the boys couldn't contain their excitement - they were talking over each other explaining design and functionality of vacuum tube travel.  The sound effects were flying like bullets in a war zone.

What did Mark have to say about all this, "Hmmm, what if you got positioned in the tube wrong.  You could get a really horrible wedgie."  Well, that was an unexpected answer.  The boys loved it.  Jaren pointed out that they were not going to stick him in the tube directly - he would be in a pod of sorts, sailing through the tube underground.  No atomic vacuum tube wedgies.  Mark was not happy about traveling underground.  He was totally up for vacuum tube travel as long as he could be up high, have a sense he was flying, and a great view. 

I passed out the meds and bottled water.

It was time for a little thought management.  Freedom of thought is not bad thing.  Most of the time it's amusing and certainly adds a lot of humor into our lives.  I am sure that many of the world's greatest creations have come from moments just like ours when one thought sparked another until something totally new and revolutionary came to mind and then into existence.

One thing that all of my ADHD/ADDers have pointed out is that medication does not take away their creativity and, believe me, they are an intensely creative group.  The minds in our house are full of art to draw, music to compose, inventions to build, films to make, and novels to write.  Medication allows them to aim their creativity, to follow through with their thoughts.  It allows them to take a concept, have the wherewithal  to take out of their mind, and create it in the real world.  Not without struggle, but it opens up the potential and makes success plausable.

This same son, Hunter, who was talking about his love hate relationship with medication pointed out that one of the hardest aspects of ADHD and its co-occurring conditions is to have such great thoughts.  So many thoughts that completing any of them is a struggle.  One great thought knocks the other out of the spot light, then that one is knocked by another in never ending bombardment of great ideas. The medication gives him the concentration and focus to further that cascade of brilliance and carefully direct it towards a fabulous end.

Does that mean that those that can't take medication or choose to not take medication are doomed.  No.  We have a daughter who has recently gone off stimulants.  They aggravated her anxiety, impulsiveness, and some other ADHD qualities to that point where what she gained in focus was nothing compared to what she lost to these other symptoms.  She would be the first to tell you how hard it has become to direct those brilliant creative thoughts into tangible completed work.  She's having to master her brain without the benefit of a stimulant and it is exhausting.  It easily one hundred times as hard, but, definitely doable.  Especially, since she is aware of the battle that's raging.  Trust me when I say she has a lot of, "lost the battle but will still win the war" days.

We are still laughing about my big husband, Mark, sailing through the vacuum transportation tube with a wedgie, on his way to work, hoping to avoid getting stuck in the tube, and having to be plunged to continue on his way.  We will be for a long time.  It's not likely that this particular idea is going to be the one we see to completion - I'm not so sure it should be.  But there are many more where that came from, in my house and in houses around the world where these brilliant brains reside.

These are the brains that given the right support, encouragement, and tools will change the world.  They will change the way we see it, feel about it, and interact with it.  The trick for us as parents, teachers, and caretakers of this unlimited amazing potential is to remember the possibilities, continue to encourage, and direct even when we are exhausted from being up all night because that child has insomnia. Even when your teenage daughter is torturing the cub scouts because she's frustrated and over stimulated.  Even when your brilliant child is in danger of failing because they haven't turned in one homework assignment all semester and no one told you until it was almost too late to fix.


The trick is to remember and hold onto the knowledge that they are brilliant because of their unique BRAINS not in spite of them.

Warning: Objects in Motion Stay in Motion

We have a way of raising eyebrows and inciting laughter all at the same time.

Our shear numbers can be shocking.  Add to that a bunch ADHD and a lack of inhibition and we are pure entertainment.  It might make some people uncomfortable but for the most part people seem amused.  Sometimes they even laugh or comment on what fun we are obviously having.  That was certainly the case the other night when we met Mark for pizza. 

It all started with the jukebox and some Michael Jackson.  Toe tapping, then shoulders, and then everyone is dancing in their seats, even my husband, Mark.  A little singing along but restrained, well, restrained for our crowd.

On to some classic rock and head banging.

By the time Justin Beiber came on Rachel was singing to Hannah, "Baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, baby, baby, noooo!" and really getting into it.

Leaving we met one of pleasantly amused types.  The first question is almost always, "Are they all yours?"   Almost always followed by, "It must be a party all the time at your house."

Not always, though we certainly do have a lot of fun.  With so many people and personalities we certainly have lots of moments where someone is upset, angry, sad, tortured, depressed, traumatized.  In fact, some days it seems like I rotate from one drama to the next; but, not this night.


After pizza we were off to the grocery store where I couldn't help but think about the post I made the other day; Parkas in Summer, Shorts in the Winter.  I was remembering those days when they were all small and all held onto the cart.  In some ways life was a bit simpler.  In fact, I think I may have threatened to make them all grab a corner of the cart.


Yep, everyone in this picture at the grocery store is with me!

I wish you could have seen my expression as I looked up to this sight in the freezer section.  I think my head tilted to the side like a confused puppy!  I couldn't help but laugh when Fernie, a permanent fixture in our house and also ADHD,  went and stuck his head into the freezer case.  I was just about to ask what he was looking at when all of the sudden there they were with their heads down in the case.  He pops up, "I was just wondering how many would come and join me." 

It was a crazy fun night.  Truth be told no one was unhappy, no one was so far out of line that they were making the night stressful.  No one was sad or depressed or angry. 

Can you ask for more?

Attack of the Breadi

Darth Breader?  Is he white or wheat?  Was he wheat and then came back to the white side? Ahhh the early morning wanderings of the ADHD brain!  A family passion for Star Wars and a long standing debate over white and wheat bread had meshed together, the kids were riding the morning ADHD wave. 

Most of the time I am not as amused by the distractions. The time between when everyone gets up and everyone’s medicine kicks in is entirely too long.  But it was summer and nothing was pressing so I sat back, the passive observer.

Today’s musings centered on white vs. wheat bread.  There they were, all six of the kids then ranging in age from 16 to 7 years old at the time entangled in the heated debate.  They argued over texture and nutrition, lack of time and effort it takes to return white bread to dough form, sculpting abilities and flavor – They divided into sides and clubs; the ‘I love white bread’ club and the ‘I love wheat bread’ club (only to be compared to the past clubs of love and hate for enchiladas, kielbasa and other foods).

The white side even refused to acknowledge the existence of any bread but white bread.  Is there any other real bread?  They manipulated and argued, pointing out that “wheat breaders” do eat the white bread.  Does that make them traitors to their wheat bread cause? The “white breaders” insisted that they would not endorse the creation of a wheat bread army.

 “I am sorry, but the debate is not over. The senate will never approve the creation of a wheat bread army,” Hunter said mixing his current Star Wars obsession with the white vs. wheat issue.

 Maybe they need an army for protection since one of the other kids, Mary, mentioned something about having her younger brother for lunch on wheat bread with BBQ sauce. 

"STOP arguing and TAKE Your Medication!"  It was time to move on with the day.  

Someone cried out for a peace treaty.  The wheat breaders ate wheat and the white breaders ate the last bit of white bread.  What will they do for lunch? They will have to wait for the sequel, Hannah says. . . “Return of the Breadi!” 

On a different day with more pressing obligations, I would not have been so amused.  I would have been frustrated, bordering on angry as I fought the never-ending tide of distractions, as I pushed my crew of six up the river against the stream of their ADHD mindsets. On those days distractions and musings are very similar – I don’t enjoy them as much as I probably should.  Mornings and pressing schedules work in complete opposition to the ADHD brain.  A constant barrage of reminders about things one really thinks should be automatic and not require a parent’s attention: flush the toilet! Put your pants on!  Shoes!

I feel A bit of envy for the mom whose child gets up and ready and out the door in minutes rather than hours.  A driving desire to be more like that sends us on a never-ending quest for morning relief. 

I have used check lists, charts, and set out essentials the night before, so that we could slide the kids from one morning activity to the next, into their clothes and out the door.  I have begged, pleaded and threatened to take people as they were at the designated time – even if that meant they were half dressed and shoe-less. In the end I chickened out, I have yet to take anyone half dressed, ¾ dressed is another story.

One mom shared with me that she dressed her big 12 year old son or they would never get out the door.  She isn’t alone.  At one point I slipped my children their medicine in bed and let them go back to sleep for a little while so that they got up semi medicated – surely the closest we ever got to that ideal of the ‘normal’ house and morning ease.  I stopped that when I figured out that I was losing medicated time in the afternoon – homework time – precious much needed medicated time. 

Structure, my husband suggested over and over – following a flight plan so you have something to return to when they wander off forgetting what to do next.

For a long time, I thought the structure wasn’t working; I have used the same schedule since my oldest daughters were little. Early on I realized that feeding them before I got them dressed just meant dressing them twice.  Our flight plan: they get up, take medication, eat, wash up, and get dressed.  Every day I reminded my kids  what came next, as if this was a brand new system.  A decade of reminders makes you really question your system.

 I was not a believer in the structured morning, but my husband, who has ADHD swears by the importance of routine and heaven knows his routine is critical to the tone of his whole day.  When we changed to home school, I thought I would change the morning routine to  fit our new schedule.  Only then was I taught a valuable lesson.

There was a general revolt!

I was reminded, even lectured that I was wrong and we “didn’t do it like that.” It was obvious that the structure they appeared to ignore was a foundation for them.

In the end, what has changed the most is me.  I started to let go of the “Easy Morning” pipe dream and embrace the morning struggle.  It is our normal. 

Our normal is retelling every dream, talking over each other and interrupting in an effort not to forget that stroke of genius that hit like a bomb and is surely fleeting.  Our normal is bizarre plans for the day and profound thoughts like, ‘Pretend it’s the future and everything is chrome.” Our normal is a spontaneous discussion about Napoleon's European campaign and defeat in Russia.

I have learned to allow more time for normal, even hours.  Learned to roll with it on most occasions, the ADHD wave that rolls through our house .

I stop more to enjoy the chaos and creativity and at least chuckle as I say for the umpteenth time, “that is great, now please go brush your teeth.” and watch as a look of recall rolls over a child’s face, the “oh yeah that’s what I was doing” look.