Social Skills, One of Life's Great Mysteries

I was sitting across the table from a teacher at my daughter's school.  He seemed more than a little shocked when I acknowledged so openly her complete lack of understanding of social skills.  I said to him, "Look, it is what it is.  How silly would it be for me to pretend that she doesn't have issues with social interactions?"  Still a little baffled, hesitantly he asked, "Does she know she has this issue?"

I laughed out loud, "Yes!  Just ask her, she'll be the first to tell you."

I am sure that there are times when people are thrown off by our openness and honesty about the collective struggles in our home.  They don't expect it.  We see no point in hiding or pretending these things don't exist.  How can you work on overcoming a problem you don't acknowledge?  How can a child measure progress or learn coping mechanisms if they can not recognize that there is an issue?

I have an even bigger concern, that if my children constantly see me trying to hide their issues or pretending they doesn't exist they will feel I am embarrassed or ashamed.  I would not feel embarrassed if they had diabetes or asthma, why should I be ashamed that their brain is wired differently than other peoples?  I do not want them to ever feel ashamed that they have ADD/ADHD or any of the other co-occurring disorders that have come with it.

For the record, that does not mean I have never been embarrassed by some of the choices they have made.  


I proceeded to tell him one of my favorite examples of her lack of understanding in social situations.  She was in junior high and one of her class mates made the mistake of asking her what she had done over the weekend.  She came unglued, unleashing her outrage.  How dare this person ask such a private question?  Why would she share such intimate information with someone that was little more than an acquaintance?  How could they pry like that into her private life?

It was hard to stop her mind from racing and calm her down.  Even harder was explaining the concept of small talk and polite conversation.  "Oh," she said.

She has worked hard over the years to at least respond appropriately to some of the more common interactions; but, she still has her issues. Communicating is something that she has improved on, by leaps and bounds but not something she has mastered by a long shot.  She is caught between not knowing what someone really means in a conversation and the right way to respond.  In between, is a space just big enough for the impulsiveness of ADD/ADHD to squeeze in.  She often acts before she has really considered what is meant and how she should respond.

Sometimes she realizes mid-sentence that she has said the wrong thing, occasionally she stops and fixes it before moving on.  Sometimes she just doesn't figure it out until it comes back around and she is shocked by the outcome.

Take today for example, it's Easter Sunday.  Her Young Women's leader is talking about Easter dinner and asks Mariah what our plans are.  She responds and never gives it another thought.

It was all good until her leader's husband showed up to invite us to their house, worried we had no food for Easter.  What?  I wasn't sure how he got that impression and then he explained, it all made sense in a Mariah sort of way.

See Mariah was not sure at all how to respond to her leader's question.  She wasn't outraged at the intrusion, progress for sure, but she was still a confused.  She opted for a conservative response. "Oh, we'll throw something together and call it Easter dinner."

This is only a couple hours after talking about roast and cheesy potatoes on the way to church.

We use these moments as teaching moments.  Trying to explain what people mean and how other people may take the communications and social cues she send out.  She hadn't seen the underlying potential for concern in her response.  That someone would think we had no food for a descent Easter dinner, that they might envision us eating PB&J.

As we talked about it she shook her head, "I just really don't get this stuff."

What Box? Where?

This weekend has given me more material for this blog than I really care to admit.  After all, do I want the world to know that my 11 1/2 year old son, Hunter, tried to flavor his bath water with lollipops.   For that matter do I want the world to know that the summation of the experience was that he thought he really needed more lollipops to make it successful.

Ironically, Mark and I had been discussing our families inability to think inside the box, in fact, as we were reviewing a few experiences it became clear that we are far beyond the notion of 'thinking outside the box.'  We are somewhere around, "Box?  What box?  Where?"

Some people would definitely have issues with our embracing our uniqueness so wholeheartedly.  I am sure that some of our extended family question our tactics, feel that we should conform more.  Teach our children not to embrace who they are and what they are but squash it as much as possible.  As if it could or should be willfully set aside.

I want to be clear that we are not saying we or our children should act any way they please anywhere they please.  We have standards we expect to be met and consequences both good and bad.  We encourage choice with the understanding that they make their choices but do not choose the consequences. We, Mark and I, feel and have tried to teach our kids to embrace their uniqueness while respecting others and the boundaries of the situation they are in.

Boy that sounds simpler than it really is, it is a lot of constant work teaching them to recognize and establish boundaries.

For example, we went out for Chinese food for lunch on Saturday.  Our favorite family owned restaurant, The China Garden (in Fresno, CA).  Hunter's medication was clearly wearing off, actually that was a common problem at the table, and he was getting more and more hyper.    His hyper is not running around jumping on things hyper, his brain speeds up, he will sit in the same spot but is very fidgety and talkative, usually obsessively about one subject. He spent a great deal of time turning straw wrappers into a surly disguise while repeatedly asking Fernando, who is like a big brother to him, about a certain aspect of a video game.

Here is where my standard were enforced.  You can use all the straw wrappers on the table, no matter how embarrassed we get.  You have to stop driving Fernando crazy, and instead of your volume getting louder and louder you need to tone it down.

Fernando had asked him to stop because he was in public, to Hunter he was not in public, he was in a restaurant we always go to.  Hunter's world and perspective had shrunk to the table we were at with family and friends.  I turned him around and had him look at the other tables, "Hunter, this is the public, the other people around you."  Ahhhhhh...public.

So we are adding a sidebar box called Box? What Box?  Where? to illustrate the rather unique thought process and perspective that flows so freely in our house.  The perspective that leads a little boy, Jaren, in a new ninja suit to offer a sweet and humble family prayer asking for protection and safety for his family, say amen and then add maniacally - "protect them except from me." Then strike a menacing ninja pose.

Or to come up to me this morning with these little toothbrush shaped erasers that his sister got for Christmas and tell me that he wanted  his own set of toothpaste and toothbrush erasers so he could draw a picture of nasty teeth and then clean them.

But why encourage that mindset? Mark said this morning, "Our imagination is fed by what others see as impossible because it lies outside the boundaries of their own BOX."

We feed it because on the other side is art, music, humor, literature, film, acting, science that might never be dreamed of or created if we never got outside the box.  I feed it in faith because I am more of a why person than a why not person like my husband.

Yesterday it was a most painful rendition of Phantom of the Opera by a 6th grader that was just beginning to sing, sung over and over and over again. It was her sister who cried because she couldn't read music after her first music lesson but was reading it two lessons later. Today it is Border Patrol sung by those same young women who now have a message to share and the voice to move it forward. (www.blissmethod.com)

Math, Music and Social Skills

How does one receive a 0% on an non-graded assignment?  That is what Mariah wondered about her Math Lab post that many of you have read (if not see She Turned it in But Will They Post It).  She was sure that she was going to have to submit her rather plain alternative, "My name is Mariah and I am afraid of math."  When she finally got a hold of her math teacher and was able to ask her about the post.

Mariah, Rachel and Hannah attend a virtual high school through our school district called Dunlap Leadership Academy.  All of her work is on the computer and her teachers are remote, though they go up to the schools computer lab everyday to work on school (you can also do school remotely - it  covers 7 counties - but we already have 3 kids using our internet each day and they want a little social interaction). 

While Mariah had her teacher on line she cornered her about the Math Lab post - had she read it?  Did she need to redo it?  Apologize?  As it turned out the teacher was having problems with the school and it had arbitrarily given Mariah a 0%.  The teacher loved it and actually passed it around the school to other math teachers who all agreed that while Mariah might not be a math genius she was pretty smart and very funny.

In the mean time she insulted her music theory teachers intelligence by telling her basically, "I know the answer I am am just seeking your professional opinion and wondering if you really teach music or know anything about music."  Ahhhhhhhhh Mariah.  You can see why when Mariah tells us she's been talking to a teacher we stop breathing for a moment.  Waiting to hear if it is witty and brilliant or demeaning and insulting.

Mariah has never been known for her social skills.  It is truly one of her great ADHD struggles.  I remember well and share often a time in the 7th or 8th grade when some poor band-mate made the mistake of asking Mariah what she did over the weekend.  Mariah attacked her verbally then later asked how she could ever think that she knew her well enough to ask such a private question.  Imagine her surprise when I introduced her to the concept of small talk.

Over the years she has worked hard to develop those pesky social skills.  Probably the greatest skill she has gained is the ability to go back and try to communicate starting most conversations with, I really suck at this so please forgive me - I was trying to say...

She had that conversation with the music teacher - it ended on a good note.