My #ADHD Family

I think I may have inadvertently stepped on someones  toes on twitter the other night when I posted that my #ADHD son had done something.  I suppose that's not hard to do when you only have 140 characters to sum up some situation or make a statement.  Anyone that has read my blog knows that I am nothing if not wordy and twitter is nothing if not concise.

I don't have any proof that I offended her, there was no direct mention of me in her post but it seemed like she was talking to me. This person seemed to be annoyed that a child would be identified as an #ADHD son and not just a son.  I am pretty sure that they thought the child was being classified by their disability, separated or singled out.

It did get me thinking, I do that all the time on twitter put my #ADHD son or daughter or husband.  Mostly I do it to sneak that stupid hash tag in there and not just let it hang at the end of a post.  I have never thought of it as separating out one of my children as ADHD - maybe because all three of my sons have ADHD and three of my four daughters have it and so does my husband of going on 23 years.

I don't think of it as separating them out because really in our house, my daughter without ADHD and I would be the minority- we would be the ones separated out as non-ADHDers.  It would be much easier and faster to list us as the ones without it than to list those with it.  In our house we are the minority, the not "normal" ones, and I would even go so far as to say the ones with the disability.  After all, we're the ones that are struggling to keep the pace of thought, of action, of energy.

Heaven knows when I say my ADHD son or daughter or husband I don't do it disparagingly, I know that they know I don't say it with any kind of hint that they are less than because of their ADHD.  I am sure if you would ask them they would tell you I say it proudly.  In fact, I have been asked before if I would change it if I could - if I would take away their ADHD if I could.  I think most parents would like to see their children not suffer and struggle but let me tell you what I have told each of them individually - UNEQUIVOCALLY I would not take away their ADHD if I could.  Doing so would intrinsically change who they are as people and I LOVE who they are.

I see their ADHD in every decision they make, every trial they struggle with, every song or poem, or story they write, piece of art they create, every scene they act in, every original idea they come up with.  I see it in their unique perspective, in every interaction they have with the world, in every choice they make.  Sure, it is a struggle for them to deal with.  I know there are days that they wish they didn't have it.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle for them and for me.  But in very real ways aren't we built as people by how we face our struggles and trials.  Don't we ALL face them in one form or another.

I see their ADHD and I am proud of them for who they are, what they create, for their compassion, for their empathy to others, for their quick wit, their humor, their perseverance, their dedication, their desire to be good and try hard in the face of great obstacles.

Maybe the world sees it as a disability, I don't see it that way.  I see it as as who they are, as their state of mind, and I LOVE those beautiful minds.

BRAVE - Embracing Your Inner Mother Bear

©2012, All pictures are the property of Disney/Pixar

We had anticipated its release for months, watched and re-watched the Brave trailers and teasers, planned what our excursion to see it in theaters would be like. Then we found out that, my husband was going to have to be out of town for the memorial service of his beloved uncle when the movie was released. We, ourselves, would have to be brave. We would wait for him to get home to see it.  Then his wonderful aunt stepped in with a solution. 

She sent tickets for us to go see the movie here while she and Mark would see it there and then we would Skype about how absolutely wonderful it was.  It was perfect.  Perfect, except that by the time we sat down in the theater I had been single parenting it for nearly a week. Yeah, I have a couple adult children but I will remind you that all of them have ADHD so they really aren't always 20 and 18 years old - they're on occasion, most occasions, more like 17 and 15 years old.

That day we had endured the accomplishment of chores (used the movie as a motivator), scorching Central Valley heat with no air conditioner, a trip with seven kids into the store to get movie treats (that's right I took seven indecisive kids into the store for treats). Not to mention trying to get from the entrance of the theater past all the distracting movie posters, video games, shiny lights, and survey-takers to make it to our screening. I had mediated arguments, consoled candy woes, redirected and redirected and redirected again, reminded pretty much everyone what socially acceptable behavior was repeatedly.

Finally, the screen darkened, the movie played, and I watched as the beautiful faces sitting down the row from me lit up with excitement and wonder. I took a breath, a deep one, I made it, and it all looked promising. Then I watched the movie... Wait a minute! This was my house on the screen if you multiply the fiery redhead a couple times and add another brother or two. Even the kids kept nudging me and whispering, "It's US!"  And the mom, the one constantly trying to keep order, teach social etiquette, and help her daughter grow into the wonderful powerful leader she knows she is going to be...me.

Suddenly, I wasn't so sure I wanted to be in the theater anymore. It wasn't the magical escape from reality I was expecting...it was my life!  And then the mother got turned into a bear. Really!? I smiled and nodded through Skype. Later, I would confide to my husband that the jury was still out on this movie for me. I would somewhat tearfully tell him that I was ready for him to come home.

Since then I have thought a lot about it.  I am that mom, I am a mother bear when I need to be, and I am okay with that. 

As parents of kids with ADHD or ASD or SPD or LDs or some combination thereof (and more), we don't have the luxury of not engaging in mother bear parenting. Our kids are brilliant but it takes a mother bear to uncover that brilliance so the world can see what we see easily.

We mother bears research disorders setting aside pleasure reading for books like The Out of Sync Child has Fun, Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults, and Overcoming Dyslexia. 

We mother bears tell social stories, teach our children how to recognize when they're getting overstimulated by using number and smiley/angry face scales, we teach self-advocacy, right the world when it's unfair and unbalanced (which is nearly every day). We console children who know they're different from their peers who recognize that they will never get an award for staying on task, keeping a clean desk, turning in all their homework on time. 

We mother bears fight back very real demons like self-doubt and inadequacy. Sometimes those demons creep in on the heals of well-meaning but misinformed adults who don't understand the harm their looks, words, and actions can do. We stand between our children and those who don't understand, no matter who they are, sometimes even family, to advocate and educate.


We mother bears are up all night with kids who fight insomnia, depression, anxiety. We are at the school helping mediate in the classroom, we are in the principles office, at 504/IEP meetings often feeling guilty and accused when really we are just trying to protect and help what's ours.

We mother bears laugh at the comedic brilliance, at silliness, and uniqueness. We see greatness in our child's perseverance, diligence, and endurance. We glory in every bit of progress we see and trust me, we see the most minute bits of progress as huge steps. We see potential when the world sees trouble.

You know, I would rather be a mother bear than anything else in the world.  In some respects, I am here to say bring it on! This mother bear is here to stay. Because at the end of the day, like at the end of the movie, I know my kids recognize how important it is for me to be their mother bear. How do I know? My daughter has set a date for us to go see Won't Back Down. She says we have to see it together, "Because it's about a mom that takes on the school for her daughter, just like you."