Role of a Parent in the Pursuit of Passion and Talent

I am not a soccer mom, I appreciate them, especially those that have their kids in year round leagues.  I admire their dedication to braving the elements, cut up oranges, Gatorade, and driving.  It's not that I wouldn't ever be a soccer mom it's just that my kids have never leaned towards those kinds of activities. In fact, I did a little time as a volleyball mom and little league mom.  I was almost a track mom, then my daughter came home totally disillusioned, "Did you know that you have to RUN in track?" I did, but apparently she didn't, what a rude awakening that was.

I am an art mom, art, film, acting, music, and almost any creative endeavor mom. I step over painting supplies, pick clay out of carpet, yell at those who would bump the camera, table or lights set up for stop motion.  I sit on set intolerably long periods of time, watch clips as they're edited together, give opinions, and ooh and aah at visual effects.  I read newly written poetry, short stories, and listen to endless ideas for future poetry, short stories, novels, film, and animation ideas.

Last night I caught my 14 year old son as he got out of the shower and told him he needed to remove the mascara raccoon eyes before bed.  That's a conversation that I never expected to have.  He's in his first stage play.  He's done some local commercials and short films but he's never had to wear heavy stage makeup before. 

Our kids, these amazing souls, are in our care as they develop. We, as their parents, have the responsibility of helping them discover who and what they are.  It's an important job, a hard job.  In fact, as parents, we set aside many of our own needs to make sure that we can help our kids develop in a healthy way.  When you have children who are wired differently, alphabet soup kids ADHD, ASD, SPD, ODD, or any of the other many disorders that change the way the brain receives, processes, and reacts to information everything we do as parents becomes more vital.  Helping our kids find and pursue their passions becomes even more critical to their development now and in their future.

Interests, obsessions, passions are not always where their natural talent lies.  Our oldest daughter wanted desperately to sing, over the years we worked out ways to get her vocal lessons.  To almost anyone who heard her sing early on this might have seemed like huge mistake.  As even she will tell you, she was awful, painful even.  But in pursuing a talent she wanted but was not naturally gifted at she learned some very valuable life lessons like dedication, perseverance, work ethic, sacrifice.  Recently, she was talking to one of her siblings about success, she was quick to remind him of how horribly she sang at first, how vital constantly working at what you want to be successful at is, and how it all turned out for her.  She has an amazing voice now and the life skills that she has learned getting that voice are not lost on her.  She understands how to set and achieve a goal.

at home ALWAYS "on"

Encouraging the pursuit of a passion can be hard, especially when dealing with the uniquely wired, because interest almost always equals obsession.  Obsession almost always equals being followed around day and night by a child who is absolutely fixated on one particular subject spouting facts, quoting, rehearsing, singing.  It takes a lot of patience to take in all they may be putting out.  Our now amazing vocalist, for example, sang nothing but Phantom of the Opera for a whole summer, 24/7.  She sang it so much that we weren't sure she actually talked at all that summer.  She sang it so much that her then 4 year old brother went to preschool one day, picked up his teachers hand and broke out into song, "Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye remember me once in a while please promise me, you'll try..."

It is tempting, as parents, focused on our children's future, to think only of whether a skill is going to be useful to them as an adult.  I remember a friend who was horrified by her 7th grade daughters ninja obsession.  She wanted nothing more than to shut it down.  It was an obsession shared by my daughter, her best friend.  According to the other mom I was not nearly horrified enough.  They read on the subject incessantly, they drew ninjas, watched ninja movies, even learned some marshal arts.  I wasn't worried about it, I knew it would pass but when I talked to the other mom she was afraid that if she encouraged it, if she didn't squash it immediately, that it might be all her daughter did with her life.  While it is true that our children, in the pursuit of their passions may stumble on what they may do for the rest of their lives most likely they will just explore many ideas, activities, hobbies, that will be fond memories and life lessons but not career paths,  As I told this mom, I feel safe in saying that neither girl would end up a ninja.  I was right.

In some cases, however, they may find their future.  That's not a bad thing.  Especially for kids with ADHD and other similar disorders, finding a career they are passionate about increases their chance of success as an adult.  The ADHD brain does not do well when it is bored, it does exceptionally well when it is stimulated by something it loves.

I watched my son on stage the other night, his lack of inhibition (fueled by his ADHD) filled the room as did the laughter when his physical comedy stole the show.  I saw him buzz with the exhilaration at the audience reaction.  It was his first stage play, he had never had a live audience to feed his energy before.  I saw his confidence swell.  He found a niche, certainly a passion. 

For kids that fight everyday to remember and process what they are learning in class, to remember to put their name on their papers, to remember to turn in their work, who feel different from their peers, who know they struggle to keep up and to fit in; finding their passion, their talent, their niche provides a critical sense of success and accomplishment.  It gives them a balance to their struggles, an edge, a path to success in the future. 

Will he be the next Jim Carey as the family in front of us proposed?  I don't know and for right now I don't care.  This passion is giving him insight, teaching him skills he will use in everyday life, building confidence, teaching dedication, work ethic, sacrifice, team work, and most importantly opening his eyes to his own possibilities.  We will support him in the pursuit of anything that teaches those lessons, brings him to that sort of positive place.

And at the end of the night we will laugh when his 4 older sisters try and help him get the mascara off while lecturing him on his new found appreciation for all that girls do to look beautiful.

* special thanks to my kids for collecting all the art and writing stuff in the picture and to Mary for taking it for me

A One Man Circus, an Assistant, and a Magician

We often discuss whether something that has happened in the house is blog worthy.  Mark, my husband, gave me a standard to follow the other day.  He said, "if you laugh so hard that you cry, it is definitely blog worthy."  He said that as he was laughing and crying about the very stories you're about to read.

Jaren is 10 years old now.  It seems impossible because I swear he was just a preemie in the NICU a couple days ago and preschooler yesterday.  In preschool Jaren decided that we had completely misnamed him.  He wanted to know why on earth we had named him Jaren when XO Aro was available and a much better name for a spy.  He took it very seriously.  He insisted on being called XO Aro and signed all of his papers by the same name. This while writing everything in perfect mirror image.

I really consider this intense imagination and thought process our first signs of his ADD/ADHD.  XO was part of a long string of characters which included Fasty Walks Through Walls.  He would run as fast as he could in circles, then stop and say, "Was I fast?  Did I make your hair flip up?"  At about 3 years old he announced we could call him Peter Parker because the spider bite transformation was complete.  Then there was The Phantom of the Opera, he grabbed his preschool teachers hand and started singing her songs from the musical at recess one day.

While eventually he gave up on being renamed XO Aro, he has never left behind his complete obsession with spies and spy gear.

This Christmas we gave him a present that I don't think we will ever be able to top.  It was not super expensive but it was perfect for him.  We created a spy case for him.  We got a little silver briefcase, filled it with black foam, and made cut outs for all kinds of tools.  There is a mag-light with a belt carrier, a light that straps to your head that can be a regular or red light, there are rubber ninja throwing stars, and a multi-tool with a tiny flashlight, among other things.  There was even room to add some items he already had, like a Swiss Army type knife. 

This case has been carried nearly everywhere since Christmas morning. He uses it constantly, and shows it to everyone that will look at it.

Yesterday, Jaren came into the living room waving a multi-tool in one hand and the Swiss Army knife in the other.  He was a little hesitant but he asked his big brother, Hunter, if he wanted to play.  I would guess that nothing could have prepared him for his sister's reaction.  Mary screamed in horror, "No!  Are you stupid?  Mom will be really pissed if she finds out you were knife fighting during break!"

Uh, for the record, mom will be,"really pissed" if she finds out you were knife fighting at anytime, not just during break. Mom also doesn't like it when you use words like "stupid" and "pissed".  Though I do understand that they were used as excited utterances in this case.

Even though she was only a few feet away, she had completely missed the part of the conversation where Jaren said that he wanted to use the multi-tools as Transformers in a pretend game.  She saw the knives and assumed that she knew what the boys were up to.  She was sure that Jaren was asking Hunter if he wanted to have a knife fight with him.

Typical ADHD moment in our house.  Typical that the boys would look at a multi-tool or Swiss Army knife and see a Transformer and want to play a game with them.  Typical that people would not be completely engaged in the conversation, only catching part of the information.  Typical that they would jump to a conclusions, based on the partial information.  Certainly typical that they would react without getting the details first.

This all happened on a day when Hunter was trying to come up with some good entertainment for my anniversary evening, especially since Mark was not going to be home (see post: 20 Years Ago Today).  He decided he was going to put on a juggling act.  This was no small task since he has never juggled before.  Onto the internet for quick reference juggling lessons.  He would create, as he called it, "A one man circus."  He had already recruited Jaren to be his assistant.

The balls were flying in multiple directions all around the living room.  The dog, who is more than obsessed with tennis balls, was trying to grab them midair.  Mariah had a very valid question, "How can you call it a one man circus if you have an assistant?"  Hunter was quick to point out that it was really a one man circus, with an assistant, and a magician.  He had recruited Mary who was now madly looking up card tricks.

Silly Mariah, she didn't understand the impact of a name.  Hunter explained, "A one man circus, with an assistant, and a magician sounds much better than a three man circus."   This was proclaimed while practicing the grand finale.  He was trying to juggle while standing on his little brother's back, who was on all fours trying to turn around in a circle.

I don't know, most days I might name it my very own a three ring circus. Definitely entertaining.

* As a side note -- they never actually put on the circus they had practiced in front of me on and off all day -- they got distracted.

Imagine That

Rachel was about 10 or 11 years old, she came screaming  down the stairs in a full panic.  It scared the living daylights out of me - I was sure that someone was badly injured.

When I finally got her calmed down enough to speak, the story came pouring out.  They had made a make believe pool in their bedroom with blankets on the floor.  Rachel was freaked out, Mary wouldn't listen to her - Mary was about 4 or 5years old at the time. 

This was not a new problem.  For some unknown reason, Mary, since she could communicate, had insisted that she was the oldest child in the house.  You can imagine how well this went over.  Rachel had the position, all the pressure, and responsibility but no amount of convincing could change Mary's mind - she was the oldest.

Gasping as she was crying Rachel explained, "Mary is swimming in the deep end of the pool.  SHE'S TOO YOUNG!  SHE CAN"T SWIM IN THE DEEP END - SHE'S GOING TO DROWN!"

Drown...in the imaginary pool?

Rachel was not sure how to take my relief - to her the possibility of real injury was as real as the pool was in her imagination.  I explained that life was pretty unfair if you couldn't swim in the deep end of the imaginary pool regardless of your age or skill level.  It took some convincing, but, we moved on.

Imagination has never been in short supply at our house.  In fact, imagination has been and is still central in our home.  It is another character trait that seems altered and heightened by ADHD.  This post could probably have been Creativity and ADHD Part III.  The imaginary world has such a  powerful presence in the lives of our children that is sometimes it trumps or replaces reality.

Rachel's imaginary friend, Da Da, was so real that when it was time for her to go Rachel announced that she had moved to Detroit.  At the time I had no idea she even was aware of a city called Detroit.  Young Mariah, who is very creative but much more left brained than her sister, ended up in front of her dad one night with a very serious question, "I don't understand, where do I get an imaginary friend?"

I suppose she figured it out as she has become quite the comedian, her imitations and accents combined with her make believe conversations leave us in tears from laughter.  They became the outlet for her imagination.  Somewhere along the line she figured out that imaginary friends were created not found.

When Rachel was in kindergarten her classmates would line up for a part in the plays that she put on during recess.  Her plots and back stories were extensive and detailed.  As she grew up she exerted her rank as oldest to enlist her siblings in her plots.  She even made them sign contracts to attend practices and perform.

Her siblings were her living imagination -  the actors on her stage.  Whether it was kings and queens or a superhero luncheons they were, for the most part, willing participants. Mariah might disagree since she spent much of her younger years as the prince, "Hand Lewis" (really Han Solo), or whatever other male character that Rachel dreamed up before the brothers were old enough to participate.

Is it wrong that Mary answered to Chewy or Chewbacca from she was 2 to about 5 years old?  That was always her role in the Star Wars plays.

As Rachel grew older her stage changed from the living room and backyard to a sketch book and computer screen. 

Now her imagination comes to life through the characters in her stories and drawings.  They have likes and dislikes, pasts, issues, hobbies, Facebook pages.  We had to have a "talk" when one of her friends was unknowingly flirting with a fictional character online.

It all rubbed off.

Sometimes, I wonder what the neighbors think.  What would you think if you drove by and a little ninja was scaling a pillar on someones front porch?  Or you looked out your window to see your new neighbors running around with painted hand prints on their faces like Orcs from The Lord of the Rings peering around the corners of the house.  Sometimes the kids remind me of the grandfather in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, dressed up in whatever appropriate garb and headed out to whatever imaginary world awaits beyond the front door.

Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't change it.  Even when that wild imagination becomes a lot to manage -- and it does, even when I am tired and worn out; I would rather have that floating around my house than so many of the alternatives.  In fact, so many times when I am at the end of my rope or I've slipped off, it is that imagination that makes me laugh and puts life back in perspective.  It is wonderful, especially in a world where those simple parts of childhood seem to be slipping away.

Heaven knows the realities of this world take over soon enough.