Cutting the Apron Strings? Transitioning Adult Children with ADHD

Okay,  I am not sure cutting the apron strings applies to adult children with ADHD.  Maybe it is more like unraveling the apron strings one string at a time.  Or maybe the apron strings just fray apart from being tied so tight and tugged on so many times.  Regardless, there doesn't seem to be any distinct cutting in our house.

I really couldn't speak to what's "normal."  Nothing in our ADHD house, where 6 of our 7 children have severe ADHD and co-occurring conditions, could ever be construed as "normal" though it is certainly normal to us. I know in many houses 18 and graduation brings a landmark of change.  If we were to handle reaching adulthood in that manner I am sure it would be a messy disaster.  Adulthood, as we tell our children, is not a distinct and abrupt move it is a transition.

And let me tell you we are transitioning all over the place. We have three that are 18 or older and are making strides towards independence.   Each of their stories, like their personalities, like their struggles with ADHD symptoms is different.  Ironically, it seems like this last week our two adult daughters have taken a lot of big steps forward.

And She's Off...

Our kids have never been big on staying away from home, they like routine, structure, their own belongings and surrounding. Our oldest used to hide it well but then we found that when all the girls would go to camp or spend the night at someone's house she was the subversive one.  She would pull her youngest sister aside and whisper in her ear, "don't you miss your teddy bear...how are you going to sleep tonight with out him?"  Then pull aside another sister, "Doesn't their dog remind you of your dog?  You must really miss her, I bet it's hard to be away from her, maybe we should go home."  When one of them would finally crack, she was the martyr that would volunteer to come home with them.

She's still in no hurry to leave the nest.  So, when she came to us and asked what we thought of her going on "vacation" to visit her best friend since elementary school in Utah for two weeks we were a little surprised but encouraged it.  A little trip, a flutter off the side of the nest and then back.  An exercise in adulthood as she took responsibility for making travel arrangements and plans.

It has been a slow march with her as she has carefully taken over more and more responsibility for her own care, making her own doctor's appointments, refilling her own prescriptions, handling her own money.  Adding one responsibility at a time has allowed her to master juggling the new skill before taking on more.  As we walked her into the airport she was going over checklists with us.  Reading material...check, art supplies...check...meds...check.  She figured out that she would have refill her meds while away, then assured me, she could handle it, not to worry.

Everything was together, her biggest concern now was that if she started reading or drawing in the airport during a layover she would get so distracted that she would miss her flight.  Her father warned her to watch that, he himself had almost missed more than one flight that way.  We took pictures, waved, and I cried a little as we walked out of the airport without her...why?  Because she is growing up.  It's slow, sometimes painfully slow, but it's working and she is feeling the success and freedom that everyone her age should feel.

We got a call from her last night...her wings are a little tired from her journey outside the nest.  No little sisters there to push into coming home early.  Not that she really wants to, she is having a great time, great success, great growth.  And she just learned another valuable lesson, you can always call home, always be reminded to eat lots of protein, be told you're not getting enough sleep, always have someone listen to your troubles, always hear that you're loved.

Mommy, I have friends!

I know, not the kind of statement you would expect your 2nd year college student to make unless they happen to have ADHD and social skills have been a prominent problem in their life.  This would be the daughter that freaked out on the girl in 7th grade that asked what she did over the weekend because it was a personal question and none of her business.  The highly intelligent daughter that has stated throughout her life that she feels it a moral obligation to let people know when they are idiots, otherwise they might go their whole lives and not know.  You can see where she might run into problems in high school.

It was never that she didn't have any friends there was always one or two that she was close to and a whole raft of people following her around that she had jumped in to defend from one bully or another.  Very few, however, that she felt an equal bond with.  I always told her that she would really hit her stride in college.  As an intelligent. deep thinker, she would find more of her kind on a college campus than in elementary, junior high, and high school.  Between her growing and developing socially and her peer group shrinking to those who really want to be in school she seems to have found more of her people.

And with friends has come social opportunities and more growth.  She has been learning over the years how to manage her impulsive tongue and her quick wit (the combination of which can be deadly) she has also spent years learning to manage her auditory sensory sensitivity.  More friends, more social opportunities, more need to successfully navigate a noisy overwhelming world.

Most recently she was asked to go to a concert of a band she really loves.  She has braved outdoor venues before, like Warp Tour, but that's different than being in an enclosed space with that many people and that much noise.  Excited but nervous was certainly the way she woke up the morning of the concert.  I knew that she was fretful when she called early in the morning to go over plans for how things were going to work out late that night.

Finally, after trying hard to be awake and supportive I said, "call your father."  He's also ADHD, also has auditory sensory issues, also has no tolerance for crowds, and loves live music.  When she called him he lead the conversation with, "are you freaking out about tonight, let me give you some advice."  He knows her, as we say in our house, he speaks the native language and has years of tried and true coping mechanisms ready to share.

He told her that she has to expect certain things:

1. It is going to be loud... very loud.  One of two things will happen, it will either A.short-circuit (deaden) her overly sensitive audio senses and it would be almost calming, like white-noise or B it would freak her out.  If A. happens then she will be fine, it will probably be relaxing because it will mask all of the other crap that she picks up and allow her to focus on the music.  If B happens then she needs to have a back-up plan.  I told her that the back up plan should be to take her ear-buds and if it gets too overwhelming to put them in to help deaden the sound.  If that is not enough, when she is starting to panic, she needs to go out into the lobby and find a place to anchor herself where she can regroup. The lobby anchor point should be scoped out prior to the concert starting so she knows where she is going if things get chaotic.
2.  There will be IDIOTS in all shapes and sizes... don't react to them, just look at them, acknowledge them and check it off of your mental list that you knew you would see idiots.  Kind of like your own game of Where's Waldo.
3. Your sense will most likely overload, just role with it and follow the directions in 1. if they are to much for you to handle.  Sound and smell will most likely hit you the most, so just know that it will and don't be surprised when you experience it.
This daughter is not a tell it to her once kind of girl - she likes to go over them, make sure she heard right, reiterate, then write it all down and have you sign it to be sure - they went over the directions repeatedly until she was comfortable..
Then he texted her prior to the concert, this was their conversation copied out of text...

Mia: Thank you guys so much for letting me go to this concert tonight. This means so much to me I'm so excited. :) its like a landmark for me. <3 :=":" p="p" thank="thank" you.="you."> Daddy: You are welcome honey... Like I said to you earlier when you get in there, get the lay of the land and have a plan in place so you know what to do of out gets overwhelming. Take your ear-buds in case you need to use them.  Love you.... I think you will do fine.... Remember - there will be idiots, just plan to ignore them and have a good time.

(the next morning)
Mia: Ohmaigawsh. That was so amazing......
Mia: O.o morning!!!!!!!
Daddy: Morning.... So you had a good time then

Mia: It was the BEST......EVER......SO AMAZING.....SO COOL.....
Daddy: LOL... Cool!

I suppose in a "normal" house these experiences would seem so everyday that they wouldn't even draw attention but in our house these are some pivotal moments, landmarks, rights of passage successfully navigated and marked off the list so we can move onto the next set of opportunities to grow.  In our house each challenge met equals a few more threads plucked out of the apron strings on the way to adulthood.

Parkas in Summer, Shorts in the Winter

My dad is a safety fanatic, truly obsessed.  So when I was a kid our dart board was Velcro.  The "darts" were ping pong balls with little strips of the scratchy side of Velcro.  The dart board itself was soft material.  You had to throw that dart-ball just right; because, if you didn't the smooth side of the ball would bounce right off the board.

The more I experienced ADHD with my husband and children, the more I learned about it,  the more I saw a similarity between my old dart board and the ADHD brain.  So much information comes at the brain,  there is not much rhyme or reason to what sticks and what doesn't.  It is just like those little dart balls - it has to hit just right to stick.


Some things stick so well that you can hardly get them off the board.  

In my years as a parent I have spent all summer trying to get my kids out of their winter clothes, despite the 100+ temperatures.  Right about the time they finally put away the parkas the seasons change.  Then I spend most of winter reminding them that they are cold because they are wearing shorts! 

My current dilemma is how to pry my two youngest off the sides of the shopping cart.  I realize that this might not be something to complain about given the alternative.

I remember when my second child was born, I was panicked about taking two small children to the store by myself.  By the time my last child was born I had six under nine years old.  Of course, shopping had to be done, so I figured it out.  I did it by having them hold onto the cart, several on each side. What a spectacle we were, bulldozing our way through the store!

The kids knew that if they did not hold onto the cart it was a deal breaker - we would leave or they wouldn't get a promised treat.  One by one they all got older, they all reached the point where they could let go of the cart.  I will have to be honest, sometimes their exploits in the store make me question that decision.

My last two, my boys, won't let go of the cart.

That rule stuck and now I am stuck with the rule.  People coming the opposite direction - the boys won't budge.  Narrow isles - I am begging them to let go.   Encouraging them all the way - you are big now - you don't have to hold on to the cart...every second.  Then finally the voice of frustration, "Okay, we're stuck, someone has to let go!"


Then there are the darts that don't stick no matter how many times you throw them.

For example, we have toy box we bought many years ago to use as a shoebox in our house.  No matter where we have lived that shoebox has been within steps of entering the house, you practically trip over it to get through the entryway.  And yet, almost anytime of day, any day of the year, there will be shoes all over my house.

No amount of threatening changes this.  I have not yet found a consequence that has the power to make them remember to put their shoes in the shoebox.  No matter how many times or differing ways I throw that dart it just doesn't stick. I have a friend who is fighting the same battle - she has been confiscating the shoes that aren't put away.

I thought about that for a moment - I may have tried that in the past - to be honest, I don't remember.  I do, however, know exactly what would happen if I tried it today.  My children would all be shoeless.

Truth be told, regardless of motivations disciplining a child with ADHD is just different than one without.  Traditional punishments rarely work.  Maybe it is their tendency toward creative problem solving (see post Creativity and ADHD part II).  Their minds naturally go toward a solution that makes the punishment not a punishment.  I cannot tell you how many times I have taken away a privilege only to hear something like, "Its okay that I can't play the Play Station, I have been meaning to read more."

No matter how many punishments I can throw out they can come up with ways to make the punishment work for them.  It is a frustrating process.  I think it is why I am so fond of the "put your nose on the wall" punishment, boredom is the worst and most powerful punishment I have found. 

But, it has yet to get the shoes in the shoebox.

I am sure there are many reasons why some things stick and some don't.  When it comes to the shoes I am sure that when my children come through the door they have long ago left behind whatever they were doing before they came inside.  Mentally, they have already been in the house and working on whatever they are running towards.  They are moving as fast as they can so that they don't lose the idea or forget it.

I have come to a place where I pick my battles.  In addition to being hard to discipline I believe their is a real danger in a child being constantly in trouble, being constantly reminded of how forgetful and in translation how incompetent they are.  I don't want my children to feel defeated, I want them to feel empowered to conquer their struggles with ADHD.  How can they feel that way if their faults are constantly the only thing they see?

So, I choose what rules I will be a stickler about and I do my own "creative problem solving."  I send the kids out once or twice a day to get all the shoes and put them away.  The shoe situation is one of those things that I have had to find a different solution to.

So, if you stop by my house my advice is, watch your step.

Creativity and ADHD Part II

She slid around the corner of the bread isle in Vons - one hand on her hip, one straight up in the air, rock star style. In her self proclaimed over exaggerated, deep, sweaty, Bon Jovi voice she belted out, "Cause I'm wanted...wante-e-ed...dead or alive!"

She is 17.

Everybody turned to look, froze, and stared.  The butcher almost dropped his meat. A man with his young son in the cart, eyes wide as saucers, hastily moved on in an act of protection. 

When Casey Schwatz wrote ADHD's Upside is Creativity, Says New Study for The Daily Beast this might have been what she meant when she talked about a lack of inhibition.  I was reading her article; which talked about divergent thinking, creative problem solving and lack of inhibition - all aspects of ADHD - and their effect on creativity.  A flood of personal examples come to mind. So many that it is hard to choose which to write about.

Some are perfect examples of brilliance, some are a little scary, some are just funny, most are all of the above.  Maybe they are the good, the bad, and the extreme of life with ADHD.

That same 17 year old, Mariah, that shocked the mild mannered shoppers in the grocery store is a musician and lyricist herself.  That same lack of inhibition or impulsiveness that would send her reeling around the corner in the super market allows her to create, sometimes instantaneously, a masterpiece of music and lyrics. This clip is only a little bit that will be in an upcoming movie.  There is no doubt in my mind that her impulsiveness transforms her creativity.  She speaks through her music.  I have watched it overtake her, an irresistible force that cannot be contained.  It is hard to describe, it is such an energetic and real experience.

 

Sometimes the speed at which this creative movement takes place is astounding.  I have watched people sit in awe as my oldest would carry on a conversation and draw at the same time. From scribble to detail in moments.  Her younger siblings all have fond memories of what they called "drawing stories."  She would sit and illustrate a story as she made it up and told it to them. The speed at which she creates, transforms her artistic ability to movement and emotion on paper.  It is not overly thought out.  It is simply expressed.  In fact, whether it is in her art or writing, when she does try to plan, the planning really becomes a stumbling block for her. Her inhibition or impulsiveness is her greatest tool.

This force of creativity and energetic thought fights for an expression.  Unanswered, this creative force, will fester and  like a balloon that is filled with too much air - it will eventually pop, emotionally and/or physically,  in one way or another.  I have seen that too. 

Some years ago my husband, Mark, started working on a children's story to express this very real ADHD experience of being overwhelmed by thoughts and ideas.  "Bean Pole McCoy was a regular boy - except for his really large head."  His head was so full of ideas that he could not manage them all.  His head grew and grew until it over took everything in his world.  You can see in Mark's illustration how these ideas and Bean Pole's growing head overshadow his whole world.  I know from listening to my Husband and all of my many ADHD children that this is a real and persistent struggle.

In addition to a lack of inhibition the article also talks about divergent thinking.  I am not at all sure that the term "thinking outside the box" even begins to describe the type of divergent thinking that is involved in ADHD.  I would say it is a perspective difference at its core.  I see it in a thought pattern that I cannot even follow or understand.  The intrinsic difference between the "why" thinker and the "why not" thinker.  Interestingly enough, it seems that my ADHDers all understand the perspective and train of thought that leads them while to me it takes a lot of work to get it, if I ever "get it" at all.

I thought this picture taken by my daughter, Mary, really illustrated that difference in perspective.  I would never think to take a picture over a person's shoulder, catching their candid expression in the side mirror of the van.  Then again, Mary rarely thinks of taking a picture strait on.  I would never see the sunset as Rachel sees it and think of tragic star crossed lovers cursed to only touch in that moment when twilight meets dusk.  I love it and I enjoy their perspective. I enjoy what is created when their divergent thinking, influenced by their lack of inhibition meets their talent.


There is not doubt in my mind that divergent thinking quickly leads to creative problem solving.  There is an element of creative brilliance hidden in some moments of ADHD problem solving.  I say hidden because you have to look past the initial shock value of some of these experiences to find the brilliance.

When Mary was about 4 her bedroom faced the street with a really huge window.  It had mini-blinds that we tried to keep closed so that people couldn't see into their room and because when the blinds were lifted up they left a very long cord hanging down.  Mary had already tried to make a tightrope with a bathrobe tie spanning from the bed to the crib.  We caught her mid air, as she took her first step onto it.  We did not want to see what she could do with a long dangling cord.

We told Mary that she would be in big trouble if she opened those blinds because it was dangerous.  We have always tried to explain the reasons behind rules - it seemed to make our children more invested in keeping them.  And she did keep the rule, she did not open those blinds again.  Imagine our shock, though, when we came in one morning to find a perfect square cut out of those metal mini-blinds with plastic pre-school scissors.  Her explanation was simple, "You told me to not pull up the blinds and I couldn't see out, so I cut a square to look out."  She solved the problem...creatively.

The good, the bad and the extremely ADHD.  What an adventure our lives are - certainly nothing I ever dreamed of when I thought of sunlit nurseries and raising children.  Then again, life is in the journey - isn't it - and isn't it the journey that shapes us. 

Our children have definitely shaped me, they stretch me as a parent and a person everyday.  We strive to shape them by helping them understand their brains and learn, as best they can, to manage that incredible instrument.  We try to feed their talents and give them the positive outlets they need to use their fast paced creative minds, their free thinking brains, to express the many ideas scrambling for a chance to come out.  We also try to teach them to filter and abandon the bad ones; but, that is very much a work in progress.


For example, When discussing how gross and disgusting the trash cans had become in the hot summer, Mariah, came up with a solution.  We don't pay the bill, they will collect the stinky things. Then we pay to restore service and they deliver fresh clean cans. 

Always a work in progress, always an adventure.

 * all ideas, art, photography and music in this post are the copyrighted property of their individual creators respectively: Mark Aro, Mariah Aro, Rachel Aro, Mary Aro.

** pictures can be enlarged by clicking on them