20 Years Today

When my husband called and told me that the last day to work on "the film" (Finding Hope Now) before the latest version was sent off to be screened at the Houston WorldFest International Film Festival was the 23rd of March I laughed out loud.  How very fitting that our 20th wedding anniversary would be the day before probably one of the most significant deadlines of my husband's career.

Fitting, because he is an artist and has worked in various fields of the entertainment industry most of our marriage.  An industry always in a constant state of emergency and deadline.  We called it "crunch" mode when he worked in the platform/computer game industry.  The give it all you have -- work endless hours to meet the deadline --  time.  Fitting, because so much of our marriage has been spent in "crunch" mode.

So, tonight he will be at the studio doing the visual effect for the "retaliation" scene and I will be here with the kids.  We are meeting half way between our house and the studio for an anniversary kiss at 4:00pm.  And making plans to celebrate our 20th on another day.

I am sure there are people who could not or would not understand me being okay with the situation so let me explain. 

First of all, I think this might be a perfect example of how ADD/ADHD  is interwoven through our life and marriage.  People talk about "normal" but really normal is whatever patterns we create in our own life.  Normal is personal.  If we were to approach life trying to meet other peoples' standard of "normal" we would be constantly frustrated and unhappy.  It would be like trying to fit the round peg into the square hole. We have unique challenges in our marriage because of ADD/ADHD and have to have unique solutions to match them.

Mark, my husband, has learned how to wield the power of hyper-focus like a sword but when he is in mindset that allows him to stay on task he has to really stay in it. Meaning, he has to hold onto that state of mind with both hands.  He can't go in and out of it and maintain it.  As a result, he would rather work hours on end to accomplish a task than an hour a day for several days to accomplish the same task.

Half the battle with ADD/ADHD is learning how your individual brain works and use that to work smart.  I could say I have to have him work on my schedule, on a "normal" schedule, but in reality it would not work for him.  It works against his brain and the way it functions.  So, we compromise.  We use that hyper-focus to be successful and we bend our family around what works for us.

For years that has meant working his regular hours, then having family time, then back to work or time for personal projects when the house was quiet.  Mark is a doer, another ADD/ADHD trait.  He is not satisfied to sit and do nothing.  That probably has to do with the millions of ideas that are his constant companion.  Even when he has had time in the evenings, like he has since he started working at the news station, he cannot just sit. 

We were laughing just today that even his work station is set up to multitask (very ADD/ADHD concept)  he has dual monitors on his computer system.  He has a mouse hooked up to be used with his left hand and a Wacom drawing tablet hooked up to be used with his right.  He can use the mouse and draw carrying out tasks on both screens at nearly the same time.

We adjust to meet different circumstances, different commutes, different jobs.  The key being here that we adjust.  We also have an agreement that family takes priority, so even if Mark is working and in the groove of what he is doing he will stop and be there to help put the world back together for a worn out wife, traumatized teens, or anxiety ridden little ones.   Whether it is face to face, on the phone, text, or by email we stay in close contact. 

Through those now 20 years of marriage there has been a constant theme.  I keep Mark from floating off into the atmosphere and he gets my feet to leave the ground every once in awhile.  He has arguably been given the harder task.  In the middle, we find balance of sorts, hovering just above the ground. 

I have discovered I can wait, I am not that good at it, but I can do it.  This cause, this movie, which has been our lives for the last 2 1/2 years is worth pushing off the celebration of those twenty years.  It marks a milestone in Mark completing a life long goal to work in film.

The anniversary gift, the biggest one, is to see this long planned passion and goal come to life and be recognized.  The ultimate gift is that at the end of the week the studio, about an hour away form our home, gets dismantled and reassembled in our house.  No more commuting home only on the weekends.  There will be new adjustments, a new normal to create but I am rather looking forward to this one.  Maybe the best anniversary present yet.

- . - - - - . - - - - - . . - - . - . . - - . - - - . - - . - - - . - - . - . - - . Morse Code For, “No! You Can’t Make Me!”

Mariah got caught texting at school.  Well, actually she was emailing her little brother from her phone.  None the less, she could have gotten her phone taken away, but she didn’t.  Instead the teacher that caught her ended up walking off a little dumb founded leaving Mariah to her email.

She goes to a very small charter school that offers an online curriculum.  Most of the students attend from their homes but there is a “school” site with a principal and teachers and about 20 students in a one room computer lab.

It baffled Mariah at the beginning of the year that she could bring her cell phone to school but couldn’t use it.  Being Mariah she took it straight to the principal.  He explained to her that if there was an emergency at the school - especially a violent one - that parents wanted their children to have cell phones for communication. 

This tickled Mariah a bit.  She told the principal that she could see how it would all play out.  Someone would come into their one room school guns a blazing.  Her cell phone would save them as she warned her fellow classmates by text, “Franklin, don’t look now but the shooter is right next to you.”

We all love the principal of the school.  He is a great educator and mentor to these students.  He told her in that situation she could use her cell phone but not in any other.  No technology for this technology based school unless it was an emergency.

So when Mariah got caught using her phone she was quick to respond, “It’s not what it looks like.  It’s important.  I’m emailing my little nine year old brother.” 

The teacher could see her screen.  He did a double take, “Is that Morse code?  Your nine year old brother knows Morse code?”

Mariah’s response was simple but very true, “You would be surprised at all the things my nine year old brother knows.”

Our house runs on a continuum of focus - at one end there is absolutely no ability to focus whatsoever and at the other end is extreme obsession.  In between, there are degrees of momentary focus, focus, hyper focus, and varying levels of fixation.    

For the most part, I ride the wave of whatever is swirling in the hyper focus to obsession range.  I try and roll with it if it is not destructive.  I do have my limits though, for example, I don’t care how obsessed someone is with paint ball blow dart guns I am not buying one.

Some of it is like the tide -- it rolls in for a little while and then rolls back out.  Star Wars, instruments used for spying, Lord of the Rings, various foreign languages, Red Wall, Pokeman, Ninjas, Transformers, even movies or songs.  Anything that captures the attention, tickles the brain, or in others words is stimulating to the mind.   They love to ride the wave. 

Most of the time these are momentary fixations with a subject that come, get explored and played with a bit, and then go away for awhile.  They almost always come back to be re-examined and added to.   They roll in and out or our lives. 

This is good; my poor little non-ADHD brain can only handle so many random facts at a time before I think it is going to explode.  I welcome the rotating obsessions as a break, a chance to absorb information, to process it, and brace myself for the next round.

Morse code is one of those obsessions shared between Mariah and Jaren. 

It began a few years ago when we read an absolutely fabulous book series called The Mysterious Benedict Society.  It captured our house.  It was amazing to watch our kids; then six to sixteen, sit for hours listening to the story being read aloud then beg, beg, beg us to read more. 

The characters in the story, all unique in their own abilities, use Morse code to communicate in a very perilous time.  That is where it started.   

It rolls in and rolls out. 

Later that same day at school one of the other students got annoyed at Mariah for tapping on the desk.  He told her to cut it out.  She didn’t say a word to him; she just shot him back a look and kept tapping.

- . - - - - . - - - - - . . - - . - . . - - . - - - . - - . - - - . - - . - . - - .

It means “No! You can’t make me!” in Morse code.

Things I Say... A LOT!

Sometimes I get really sick of hearing my own voice!  Especially when I am saying the same things over and over...and over again.  I know that every family hears some of these same things uttered and reiterated, but I am not sure that every family spends hours accomplishing one or two simple tasks. 

Consider an ADHD home:  I am sure that some of you KNOW what I am talking about.  

We start several hours early to get to school or work or any event that requires leaving the house. I never have a day without a fight or without an endless search for a missing shoe or struggle to get someone ALL the way dressed and teeth brushed. I understand that I have six kids, so automatically I am repeating myself more than the average mom, but take a look at my list and tell me if this is normal. 

I figured I would leave some things off the list: get up, brush your teeth, get dressed, change, you're not wearing that, try again, how many days have you been wearing that? get off the computer-- PlayStation-- Xbox-- sit down, stay still, stop moving, and no, I can't let you wear that out of the house because it will ruin your chances at a  social life in the future!

When I asked my kids what things I say repeatedly, the #1 answer was hands down variations of the following.   These land like sprinkles on the cupcake of my day.

Take your medicine.
Did you take your medicine?
Why is your medicine on the counter?
Why haven't you taken your medicine?
You NEED to take your medicine.
I need you to take your medicine.

And the winner is ...are you sure you took your medicine?  This I say right before I schedule a med check with the psychiatrist (thank you Dr. Matthew House).

Here is my disclaimer: I know that medication can be a touchy subject, but it works for us and our family (more stories for another day).   Parents have to do their own research and pick their own paths - find what works for their families. 
 

While medicine helps tremendously and takes my kids and husband about 80-90% of the way to a normal ability to focus and follow through, it does not do everything.  My husband Mark has years of creating and using coping mechanisms while our children are still learning to do that.

I spend a lot of time redirecting, there is a lot of FOCUS, EAT, pay ATTENTION, get back on task, FOCUS, you can not do the dishes from the living room, your bedroom or the bathroom, HELLO...what are you SUPPOSED to be doing, REMEMBER what you are doing, DO your JOB and back to FOCUS.  

I have been tempted to buy one of those counters and see how many times I say “focus” a day but I think I would give up after 100 or so.

Not a day goes by with out the multiple variations of “no”.  My favorite is from my dad and one I heard all the time growing up;”wanting and getting are two different things.” Well accompanied by “the answer is still NO.” and  “Very creative BUT NO.”

Sometimes I just have to ask why? This one rarely yields a reasonable answer and is usually followed by, “I know your IQ... so what were you thinking?” An accident? Really?

There are always the things I say in or around an embarrassing moment like,

“That's NOT appropriate.” You HAVE to respect people's space.  Some said in desperation to avoid the embarrassing situation like, FILTER and reel it back in.

We are going to be LATE! Never seems to get the urgency I feel it deserves. 

While, “So I can throw away everything I find on the floor.” seems to get instant attention, “WAIT” and a mad dash. 

Believe it or not this has come up more than once.  NO you can't buy them - THERE IS A HOLE IN THE CROTCH! I don't care if they fit perfect - THERE IS A HOLE IN THE CROTCH! I am NOT going to buy something that I have to fix - THERE IS A HOLE IN THE CROTCH!  

Somewhere in there, occasionally is...Mommy needs a timeout.