The Difference Between "Normal" Teenage Behavior and a Teen with ADHD

For those of you who have been wondering why there haven't been any new post put up here in awhile let me tell you, life has been a little crazy. I guess that's normal, but, somewhere in the middle of all the craziness a wonderful thing happened. I was asked to blog about ADHD for EverydayHealth.com. I will still be writing here, I promise, it has just taken me a few months to readjust the juggle. I hope you will keep checking here for updates and that you'll follow me on EverdayHealth also. My blog there is called Living A Distracted Life .

In the meantime, I received the best inquiry from a friend of mine today. Jase made me laugh so hard I had to share it. I know those of you that parent ADHD kids will find it as absolutely 100% accurate and as funny as I have.  Thank you, Jase, for guest blogging for me today!

It cracks me up when I tell someone about something Jacob has done related to his ADHD and their response is "Well, that's all teenagers..." No, no... See, if that explanation might fly with someone who has one kid or has never had much experience with kids, but for those of us who have parented multiple children and worked with kids in various settings..trust me, we know the difference. Allow me to illustrate...

Parent: You need to clean your room.

Typical teenage boy: Says "Let me get to where I can save this game." Never gets there. You tell him again with threat of losing game privileges, he whines that you are ruining his life. He goes to his room, shoves everything under the bed and in the closet, returns to video game. He wears dirty clothes to school because he can't find any clean ones. It's your fault.

ADHD/ODD teenage boy: "I can't save here. Hang on." Never gets there. You repeat yourself, trying to be understanding that his attention span is short. Still doesn't get there. You repeat yourself again more forcefully with threat. He looks at you as though he has never been told to do anything in his life. You repeat it, again. He insists he can't save, you insist he cleans. He gets mad and stomps into bedroom, leaving the game running. He picks up 2 articles of clothing, finds item he hasn't seen in 6 months, decides to tinker with it, forgets to clean room, and walks through the house. Sees video game still on, sets down found item on table, returns to game. You walk in, ask "Did you get your room clean?" He looks at you as though its the first time he's ever heard those words. You threaten again, tired of being understanding, he insists he can't save, you say you don't care, he argues with you for 20 minutes about why he can't clean his room all the while the character on the screen is spinning in circles, he stomps into the bedroom angry and mouthing, and starts shoving things into drawers. Finds skateboard. Decides to go skating. Comes back with skateboard. "You need your helmet if you are going to ride that." He looks at you as though he has never heard those words before and complains that he doesn't know where the helmet is. "Did you clean up your room?" He looks at you like you are speaking Swahili. "Did...you...clean...your...room?" He says, "I think so. Maybe." You say, "You don't know if you cleaned your room?" He says, "I'll go check." He leaves skateboard by the front door and returns to room, shoves more clothes into containers, finds helmet, and returns to living room. He sees video game still on, puts helmet on the floor by the skateboard, starts playing again. You walk through, "did you find your helmet?" "What helmet?" "I thought you were going to ride your skateboard? Did you get your room clean?" "I think so." You say, "I'm going to go check. You'd better hope that room is clean." He says, "Wait, I'll go look." Whines, stomps, and complains that you are ruining his life. He finally manages to get the room clean enough that you decide the battle is no longer worth it and that one day you will just set fire to the house. He comes back in, finds previous toy on the counter, picks it up. You say, "Are you finished with your video game?" He says, "Oh yeah, just turn it off." You ask, "Do you need to save?" He says, "No, it has an autosave." You die a little inside, sigh, push the vein in your forehead back into place so you don't have an aneurysm, and turn it off. "If you aren't going to ride your skateboard, you need to put it away." Looks at you as though you have lost your mind and says, "I didn't get it out." You start to believe that you are going crazy, lose your temper, and threaten his life. He realizes your 2 twitches away from serial killer and decides to comply. He takes previous toy, skateboard, and helmet to room. Three hours later he is still in the room. You breathe a sigh of relief and think for a moment that you've broken through and he is actually cleaning. You go check on him and find that he has hot glued the toy to his skateboard for a hood ornament, drawn designs on his helmet, and is using your good sewing scissors to cut decals from aluminum fol. You notice that all the clothes are now back on the floor. "Why are all these clothes on the floor?" He says, "I couldn't find any glue sticks." You say, "Pick this shit up. Put your clothes where they go. Put my scissors back. Right now." You sit down in the kitchen to gather your thoughts, because you can't remember what you were doing. You begin to circle the house looking for your brain. You return to the living room. Skateboard is in the kitchen, scissors are in the fridge, half a glass of milk is on the table, glue gun (still on) is dripping on the floor, and he's...cleaning his room. "Why is the skateboard in the kitchen, and are you planning on drinking this milk?" He says, "I was going to put it all up, but you told me to clean my room. I can't do everything." It's still your fault.

Lisa, am I right?

So, what do you think? Leave a comment, let me know.

Helping Your ADHD Family Memeber Dealing with Crisis

Today it's Arapahoe High School. Last year it was Sandyhook. Before that it was Aurora. No matter where we live tragedy is a part of life. Learning how to deal with it and helping our children get through it are survival skills for our day and age. My heart goes out to all those affected by the shooting at Arapahoe High School.

 

originally published July 21, 2012

1156 Miles to Aurora - Dealing with Crisis and ADHD

If I got in my car today I would have to drive 1,156 miles to get to Aurora, Colorado and yet today it feels like Aurora is right here.  The tragedy and hurt is tangible in my house not because we have family or friends that have been directly effected by it but because we identify with what has happened in this community.  We all feel apart of Aurora, of their horror, of their pain, of their loss.

There is no doubt that everyone is affected, sorrowed, unsettled by any event like this that occurs and then reoccurs over and over again as it is passed back and forth, turned upside down, torn apart, and put back together again hour after hour, day after day in news media in an attempt to understand it.

While my heart goes out to the family and friends who are suffering during any crisis like the one in Aurora, my concern has been the people that live in my house and the way I see tragedy intersect with the symptoms of their ADHD.  We walk a fine line of balance in our house to begin with - always battling the tendency to obsess, hyper focus, over identify with a circumstance that is not really ours.  A mind that can so vividly imagine wondrous worlds can also vividly imagine other people's pain and anguish.  I see a  great deal of compassion in my ADHDers and a heightened level of perception towards other people's emotions.  We also battle anxiety and depression.

Combine this with a disaster and our carefully balanced scales tip rather quickly.  The question then is what do we do to find balance when tragedy strikes and the world shrinks.

Resist the urge to immerse yourself in the tragedy.  With news feeds running round the clock replaying over and over 911 tapes and footage of disasters we have to learn to turn it off.  I am not saying that we remove ourselves from the world or ignore what is happening in it.  I am saying learn to control how and when we take in information about disasters.  We really don't need to watch the same information presented over and over again.

Today I told my children, especially the older ones.  Step away from it.  You can check on updated information but don't obsessively listen and watch the same feeds over and over.  Set a limit to check several times during the day and stick to it. 

I also told them to control how they get the information.  Television media is designed to be captivating, to make us want to sit for hours with the sights and sounds pounding us.  In a disaster I personally don't feel that is healthy.  It lends itself to a sense of panic, making the world seem particularly dangerous.  It feeds anxiety, dread, fear, depression, hopelessness, it tips the scales.  Instead of watching for hours visit an internet news site for the latest information, they will have video clips and sound bites if you have to have them, get the information and get off.

As a parent it is our responsibility to regulate the media for our younger children.  We have to resist the urge to keep trauma running in our living rooms over and over.  That is hard to do, but they are depending on us to protect them and help them process situations like these.  Having the events play over and over is like living them over and over.  It is too much reality.

There is a natural tendency when these things happen to try and make sense of it.  To find a tangible reason for a senseless tragedy, something to hang on to.  We need understand that there is never a good reason for such acts of violence and trying to find one  leads in never ending circles of unanswerable questions.  Sometimes we need to be satisfied with the fact that there will never be a good answer to the question why.

Because our children will be asking themselves the same questions and wondering how they find that sense of safety and security that are momentarily lost in an event like this we need to help them process those feelings and questions.  We have to be available to talk about the situation and work through the feelings that come up because of it.

For example, my oldest daughter read an account online that one of the victims had just texted her friend encouraging her to come to the theater for the show.  Not long after that she was gone. I knew what my daughter was thinking, she was thinking that she had been talking to her best friend while her friend waited for the midnight showing.  She was thinking about how she would feel if that was their last conversation.  She needed to be able to talk about that connection she had made that turned this into a very real, very scary scenerio for her.  A "it could have been me" moment.  She needed to process it, talk about,work through it.

Every person as an individual will react differently to a crisis, don't judge your child's reaction.  Look beyond it to see what is really troubling them so you can address it.

Reassure our children that measures will be taken to try and prevent this sort of thing from happening again.  My family went to see a movie tonight.  We are a family in love with movies, we love watching them, we love making them.  For our family this was sucker punch to the core of what makes us, us.  Even though more than one of children were hesitant to go to a theater we made a point of going.  We talked about how there would be added security and other measures to insure their safety.  Because we talked about it they were very aware of the added security measures.  They saw the changes and seeing those changes helped make the theater a safe place to be again.

Help your child feel like they can be a part of the solution.  We live in an unpredictable world and while we cannot prevent tragedy from happening we can always figure out a way to help.  Whether that is through the silent support of thoughts and prayers, sending get well or condolence cards, or helping to raise or donate money to a memorial fund.  Taking action gives back a sense of control.

Life is fragile, sometimes it seems so fragile that we should stop living, we have to remind ourselves and our family members that we cannot stop living.  That we need to push past that fear, not let it control us, drive us from participating in our world.  In the face of disaster we can teach our children that courage is not the absence of fear, courage is the strength to keep going in the face of fear.

This is an important lesson to learn, our kids show courage everyday in battling their disorders, in facing the challenge that is their amazingly unique brains.  That same courage can help them face down many challenges in life.

Aurora is not 1,156 miles away tonight - it is in my heart, in my family's heart.  My husband has a great saying, love is what we have been through together.  We will regain our equilibrium faster when we make a conscious effort to go through the events that shake out world together.

Self Medicating in a Positive Way

I was talking to the friend the other day who had a terrible day. One of those when life comes out of no where and sucker punches you leaving you a little breathless and reeling trying to find your footing. We talked for awhile but truth being what it was talking wouldn't change much. It was one of those, "it is what it is," situations that doesn't bend no matter how much we want it too. A struggle that takes long term coping mechanisms. In parting she said she was off to, "self-medicate." Normally this would have freaked me out a bit because when I hear or see or use the term self-medicate it has always had the negative connotation of using drugs or alcohol to escape or cope. But that's not what she said, not what she meant, because she didn't stop there. What she said basically was, "I'm going to go self-medicate by diving into to some creative writing."

roller blading

Self-medicating as a positive way to cope, I had never thought about it that way.

But it tickled my brain and as it settled I started to shift my own paradigm. Suddenly, I saw self-medicating in a whole new light. My own son came to mind. We have always made a point of making sure our kids knew they had ADHD and whatever co-occurring conditions that each of them have individually, no secrets here. In addition we have made a point of making sure they understood their conditions and how their brain works. So it wasn't a surprise one night when I overheard my son talking to his dad, "I am having a panic attack," he was vibrating with neurotic energy, "can I go roller blade? I need some dopamine right now!" A personal awareness victory for sure. A triumph for self-advocacy, he knew what he needed to pull his world back into balance and asked for it. Exercise would be the no-brainer on the list of things you can do to lift your mood, re-balance your life, release some dopamine, and feel better. Exercise is a quick way to get those happy chemicals coursing through the brain and body but certainly not the only way.

Engaging in a creative activity results in the same flood of chemicals. For my friend it's writing, we have some writers in our house. Writers, artists, musicians, filmmakers, actors the rush that they get from engaging in these activities is a powerful way to self-medicate. In addition to the chemical release in the brain that reenforces that these activities are good and bring happiness, these more creative outlets allow the individual to express what they're feeling. They're a form of release.

I remember a meeting with one of my daughters and our family psychiatrist. He was explaining to her the importance of having a pressure release. He compared it to air in a balloon. Life is crazy, demanding, hard and as we move through it we collect air in our balloons. If we don't let some of that air out on a regular basis eventually there is just too much air and our balloon pops.

Nai Da Zip

When we use creative releases we have a way of expressing our joys, fears, frustrations, pains, hurt, love, happiness, rage. It can be a beautiful and profound way of expressing, releasing, self-medicating. Sitting in the middle of my creative house I can see it manifest in many different mediums. My one non-ADHDer most recently created 2 new cartoon characters, Nai and Zip. A little creature, Zip, is full of energy and mischief. Zip's hair changes color with his mood. Zip is here and there and pretty much everywhere. When I asked her about it she told me flat out Zip was the manifestation of all her ADHD siblings in one little character. She is Nai. Nai Da Zip gives her an outlet. As I came to realize, by my friends comment in passing, it gives her a healthy way to self-medicate through the chaos of our lives.

With this new perspective I see

running lines for The Mighty Kubar

more clearly their thoughts, emotions, feelings woven into their pieces of art, echoed in the lyrics of their music, poured out in the emotion of their acting, recorded in the scenes of film, typed out in the words and thoughts of characters on the page. This new revelation didn't bring any earth shaking changes to our house, we were doing these things before and we will continue to do them. But I feel like I have a new tool in my tool box to help my family through the rocky, bumpy roads of life. A new positive release to encourage them to use when everything is overwhelming and troublesome, when they feel off kilter.

And one that works for me too, I can disappear for while into another world, work out my feelings, express myself, get some positive brain chemicals flowing, and emerge feeling better about the world.

What I came to realize, after I gave it some thought, was creative endeavors are a great way to self-medicate, maybe one of the best because they fulfill so many wonderful purposes at once.  As I am writing, right now, there are several kids singing, guitar being practiced, drawing, a set being dressed to start filming on The Mighty Kubar tomorrow, and acting all at this very moment. And I think of my friend and her writing and the great coping mechanism it is to her. I'll never think of self-medicating in the same one-sided negative way again. In fact, now I think I can only think of all the great and positive ways we can find balance and happiness by self-medicating through positive ways.


** The Mighty Kubar and all the artwork, music, lyrics posted here are the property of Hannah Aro, Rachel Aro, Mark Aro, Lisa Aro respectively